Today...

I'm kind of in a melancholy, sad mood this evening.

Sarah and I had a Play & Say group this morning.  It was essentially an hour of watching and interacting with her as she played with all kinds of toys.  It was an opportunity for the Speech Pathologist to observe her in a more comfortable and casual setting compared to the first assessment.  The SP did notice that Sarah's talking overall was much better than when they first saw her in May.  I did explain that I didn't feel the initial meeting gave Sarah a fair chance to show what she could say since the setting was new and strange and she has a real fear of medical facilities.  Thankfully, today Sarah was really chatty and we were given some good tools on how to work with her.  I worked really hard at not putting up the barrier walls that I so desperately wanted to build.  Walls that would harden my heart and close my ears to hear what they had to say.  I think I did okay.

I am certainly thankful for our healthcare system.  The resources that I've used (speech and home visits) are free.  I'm not having to pay out of pocket for them.  I guess it still hurts me inside that I *need* to use them.  I've heard all the well-wishers tell me that she'll do great, she'll benefit from it... all that good stuff.  I love and cherish the encouragement and prayers coming from everyone but my heart is so very sad.  The tears just seem to come so easily lately when I think of how far she has to come to *catch up*.  It is really hard to see other kids her age and even younger who don't have the delays that Sarah does.  To hear other two and three year old talk in 5-8 word sentences that are completely understandable is not only hard but it hurts me.  I'm the only one in Sarah's world that understands most (if not all) of what she says.  Doug and the kids can understand lots as well but we really have to watch for context when she speaks. 

I borrowed a book from my friend Karen, called Prayer Saturated Kids and I fear how my kids can be prayer saturated if I'm not.  If I don't model  true faith in God and trust Him, how can they?  Tonight I read the following:

"For various reasons, God sometimes doesn't answer our prayers in the way we've asked.  Perhaps the request is not within His will.  Other times we waver in our faith.  Other times our prayers are not answered immediately because our request is not within God's timing.  The bottom line is that no matter what happens, keep trusting God.  He is faithful."  Page 104, Prayer Saturated Kids

I know this to be true.  I know because I was brought up to know and believe it.  I guess when I was given this information and news, I felt let down.  This plethora of testing and assessments didn't fit into MY schedule or plan for Sarah.  When she was only 8 days old, we dedicated her to God.  Knowing that she was His child but ours to care for while she lives on earth.  That being said, I need to continue to work at accepting what He has laid out for her and her life.  I may not always like it but I have to do my best to work through it.  I'm far from that point.  I have lots of emotions to work through.  This just happens to be one of those tough days.   There's a small part of me that just feels like I'm alone in this and that no one understands.

Thank you for reading this and encouraging me.  I do my best to accept all the love and prayers that everyone gives me... I'll keep plugging through it and we'll be alright.