Homeschooling Mom of Four

The House

2012-01-22T06:38:00.000-08:00

I've always thought the people who lived in this house before us did the colors wrong. Not that there's anything really the matter other than it's mixed up. The baseboards, window trim and doors are all in a taupe-like color while the walls are white. I love color and I love to paint but I worry that too much color against the trim and doors will look odd. It really doesn't leave much for my imagination. And I really don't feel up to the task of painting endless feet of baseboards and doors. So for now, it stays that way. When we first moved in, I was on a black and white kick and bought a lot of prints (from Ikea) that went well together. Well, I've been hanging out on Pinterest a lot lately and seemed to have found some ideas in color that I really like.

Before...

After!

(The bathroom isn't really yellow, it's the lighting)

I got the free printables online and the frames at Wal Mart!

Cheap canvases covered in coordinating scrapbook paper.

A piece that was on clearance at Wal Mart

My vision for the bonus room wall

I'd like to do this on the wall going up the stairs.

Anyhow, these are just some of the little things I've done. I've tried to keep it financially friendly and even though it's far from perfect, I like how some of it is coming together.

Oh, this is one more thing that I've printed and will frame. Then to find the perfect home to put it on...

I really like it.

I hope you have a fantastic Sunday.

Wordless Wednesday

2012-01-19T19:07:00.000-08:00

Cousins. Friends.

My youngest blessing.

Catching Up

2012-01-18T21:30:00.000-08:00

For my faithful blog followers, I apologize for the long break between posts. It's been a long and busy few weeks.

I've kept my hands busy by making a few quilts. I loved how all of these minky/cuddle fabric quilts turned out. They are so heavy and warm, making them perfect for this super cold snap we are in!

Sarah's Quilt

Andrea's Quilt

Joshua's Quilt

So yes, I know, I have one more to to make for Arianna. I plan to take her to the quilting store so she can pick out her print.

I've also been spending {way too much} time at the dentist. In December, Arianna began to complain of a sore tooth. Lo and behold, the x-rays showed quite a few (seven actually) cavities in her poor little mouth. Trip after trip was made to the dentist and in a matter of 5 weeks, her mouth was taken care of. She. Was. So. Brave. She never flinched with the freezing needles and barely complained. The pride I have for her nearly brings me to tears.

Very proud of her silver tooth!

Once she was done that, the older two kids had routine check ups, each to be told they have great teeth and don't have to come back. Now, after watching my brave little seven year old, I knew it was time to toughen up and go myself. Knowing I had a few that for sure needed work, I grudgingly went. Last week was one major filling for a broken tooth and I'm so thankful he was able to save it and not need a root canal. Today I spent three, yes THREE hours in the dentist's chair getting four teeth fixed. I have to say, after the freezing wore off, I was in some pretty serious pain. I'm hoping that the Tylenol 3's and a good night's sleep will help me stay on top of it.

I've also been doing a lot of thinking about Sarah again. We attended a playgroup session last week and I'm not 100% sure what I expected from it. It appeared to be just a large room of toys with nothing too scheduled other than a few minutes with a story, song and snack. I'm not really convinced that it was (or is) going to do her a whole lot of good. It also made me really sad that she was "grouped" with other children of much more serious needs. I was really hit hard by that reality.

Last week, my sister posted on FB that her little daughter {who will be 3 in March} went skiing. Skiing. Wow. There is no way that my 3.5 year old could do that... she can't even walk confidently in shoes, never mind skis. I love my beautiful little niece. She's my only one and has a very special place in this auntie's heart but admittedly, hearing that she was skiing was also hard on me.

It took me a while but I did get out of my sad time because Sarah is mine and she is perfect for who she is. I don't need her to count to 20, say her alphabet or... even ski. She loves beading with her beads from Grandma, can spend HOURS sitting at the counter with play-doh and will stack her blocks countless times and each time they are knocked down, it's funnier than the time before that. She is sweet, loving and will give endless hugs. She may not be ready to ski but watching her learning to run more confidently is encouraging to me. I continue to see more and more improvements in her abilities each day and I am so proud.

My heart bursts when she comes toddling towards me in her fuzzy, footed sleeper each morning. "I need Mom" is my favorite and her most common little phrase. I mean, what mom doesn't love to be needed. :)

Loving to bead... on just about anything.

The older kids and I also re-started school. It took a few days but I think we are finally back into the swing of things. Each of them is halfway done their math and LA curriculum and if we keep it up, we should be done our year by the end of May.

The other night I made a lasagna for our weekly supper with Doug's family. This lasagna was big. I used 2.5 pounds of ground beef, 22 lasagna noodles, 3 jars of pasta sauce, 2 cans of tomato paste, 1.4 Kg of cottage cheese, and 0.5 Kg of mozzarella cheese. It easily fed all of us to being full plus I was able to individually freeze the leftovers for lunches for Doug. What a wonderful tradition this has been. I love getting together with them, sharing a meal and totally enjoying each others' company.

Well, I think that about wraps the catching up for now. Hopefully things will settle down (a bit) and I'll be able to keep up with the blogging!

Back to Routine

2012-01-09T21:45:00.000-08:00

If I were to say that our first day back at the books was pleasant, successful or even tolerable, I'd be lying. After a very long break (we didn't do much in November due to Sarah's appointments and essentially took three weeks off in December), getting into the routine of school was like nailing bubbles to the wall. The older two weren't too keen on getting out of bed in the first place and it really didn't get a whole lot better from there. I had a visit with a friend which was a wonderful break in my day but I felt like I nagged at the kids most of the day and to what benefit? In the end, I released them to the beckoning sunshine, made a cup of coffee and snuggled down to watch a movie with my runny nosed three year old.
I made a delicious supper, we watched Mr. Popper's Penguins (cute movie) and spent the evening just being together.
I tucked all three of my kids into bed with a hug, kiss, an apology and a promise that tomorrow will be better.
As Miss. Stacy, from Anne of Green Gables said while walking home with Anne, "Tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it."

Seven on Saturday

2012-01-07T06:52:00.000-08:00

I love it when my nephew comes over for the day. He's kind of like a little brother to Joshua.
I'd like to start reading and eventually completing the BBC's Top 100 Books.
I'm in an organizing/purging phase. Children beware!
I have a soft spot for sleepy toddlers in fuzzy sleepers.
Coffee is my weakness. Especially with my creamer. One of my daily treats.
I am completely in love with my family.
I am weirdly particular about grammar and spelling.

And that's all for now. I hope you all have a blessed weekend.

Sarah's Quilt

2012-01-05T19:52:00.000-08:00

So I stumbled upon a beautiful quilt kit which was full of ultra soft Minky material. The backing to this quilt had the cutest monkey print... who better for than Sarah! I couldn't resist and in a matter of 8 hours, I had made this super plush, ultra soft quilt for my monkey loving girl!

Here's the happy owner snuggling in!

Doug figures I should make one like this (different prints of course) for our KING sized bed. I'm not so sure about that.

Bloodwork

2012-01-04T13:44:00.000-08:00

When Sarah saw the genetics doctor in November, we were given a requisition for blood work. We knew the results would take 9-12 months anyhow so I didn't feel any urgency to get it done. December flew by in a flurry of activities and suddenly January was upon us. Rather than stalling, I finally just made an appointment for Sarah at the lab so I wouldn't have any more excuses.

I went today and was happy to see my preferred lab tech working and requested that she did the blood draw. The moment I sat down in the waiting area, Sarah began to cry, asking to go home. Poor darling didn't know what was going to happen but she was sure she wouldn't like it.

It was determined that Sarah has small veins (no kidding) and it would be a tough deal. In addition to the tech doing the poke, we had an additional tech hold her arm so I could hold her furiously fighting little body. The initial poke went in, the vein was cooperative and it seemed like we were fine, until something moved and they *lost* the vein. So, we flipped sides and began to look at the other arm. Once again, the first poke was successful but this time, they had a third tech switch the vials so that there would be no chance of moving the needle. So it took three lab techs plus myself to get the required amount of blood. Poor thing was SO upset by this point.

As we headed out, I stopped at the pharmacy for a treat of her choice. Sarah picked a King sized Kit Kat bar and enjoyed most of it on her own.

This afternoon has been spent cuddling with me or any one of her siblings watching movies.

Something new... and fun

2012-01-02T07:06:00.000-08:00

I didn't get this idea on my own, but rather from a fellow blogger. It's called blog-jogging, a fun way to meet other bloggers and maybe even make a few friends.

The idea is to visit bloggers I know and comment on their blogs then visit the blogger that commented before me on their posts.

I figured this would work out pretty well since we were reading the same blogs we must be destined to be blogging friends.

I started just this morning and it's been quite fun to find new blogs! There are some WONDERFUL writers out there, many of whom share my love for kids, homeschooling and even coffee.

So, let's try this! Start on my post, make a comment and then go visit the person who posted before you. If you're the first, just scroll down to where someone has made a comment on a previous post and start there. If you feel like making a comment there, just link back to me so they know where you *came from*.

And, have fun. :)

Blog Train

2012-01-01T20:44:00.000-08:00

I would like to first thank Lisa at An Ordinary Life for this blogger award. It's exciting for me to know other people are reading my blog!

I have only just discovered her blog myself today. However, after perusing it this evening it's one I will often visit I am sure.

The rules of this award are:

Thank the person that nominated you with a link back to them.
Tell everyone seven things about yourself.
Pass this award on to 15 newly discovered blogs and let them know that they’ve received an award!

Seven things about myself:

I have been homeschooling my four kids for 7 years now.
I married my high school sweetheart in 1997.
I have lived in the same city for my entire life.
My youngest daughter has a {new} diagnosis of Cerebral Palsey
I love coffee.
I am a morning person.
I am a photographer... loving newborns, children and families!

My 15 (er... 13) personal choice award-winners (though they may not be newly-discovered):

Happy New Year to all my readers. I hope this blog post leads you to new places that you'll visit.
Stephanie

2011 in Review

2011-12-31T09:34:00.000-08:00

Well, to say this was an eventful year would be an understatement. Here's a look at what our year looked like.

JANUARY

The year started off fresh and new. No expectations. A clean slate. It was interesting to see what this year held for us.

FEBRUARY

We took the older three kids out of their part time school program to full time homeschool. Quite a big adjustment but one that we all were happy with.
I celebrated my 35th birthday.

MARCH

Kept on with some light schooling as we were in a phase of unschooling and deprogramming. Lots of trips to the science center, walks and park days.

APRIL

Doug and I began to question the level of Sarah's speech and had it assessed. This was the first step in a long road of further tests.

MAY

Arianna and Joshua celebrated their 7th and 11th birthdays respectively. A fun time partying with family and friends.
Following the speech assessment, we had Sarah's development checked out.
Doug started a new job at Merge Systems.

JUNE

My mom's brother celebrated his 6th year after a heart transplant. God is good.
Sarah turned three years old!
Results from the developmental assessment showed a fairly large range of delays in all her areas of growth. Registering in Early Intervention for Sarah.

JULY

This month was spent at parks, with friends and enjoying the (very few) warm days outside.
Met our new pediatrician. He specializes in children with special needs and delays.
Sarah received her first official diagnosis of having Microcephaly.
We also began the lengthy process of referrals to specialists for Sarah

AUGUST

Spent a day making jam with Doug's mom. I think we came out at 48 jars of raspberry jam!
Doug and I celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary together.
Sarah saw an opthamologist for her eyes. Although they are deep set, her vision is fine.
We celebrated Doug's birthday with our annual lobster boil with Alicia, Paul (their kids) and Nathan and Melanie over. It was a great time!

SEPTEMBER

I began homeschooling grades 2, 6 & 7. A grand adventure lays ahead of us!
Joshua started youth group (Shock!)
Andrea celebrated a much anticipated 11th birthday and received her precious bunny as a gift!
Sarah continued to receive home visits from Wendy every couple weeks. We are learning more each time and I'm always wanting to find ways to help Sarah at home.

OCTOBER

Doug put his back out on Thanksgiving Monday. So bad that he needed crutches and daily visits to the chiropractor for a week. (He still sees the chiro on a now weekly basis)
Joshua, Andrea and I began helping at Daybreak at church. Sarah attends the toddler program and Arianna does school with a friend those mornings.

NOVEMBER

Sarah had a playgroup assessment. Nothing new showed up. Still a lot of pressure to put her in a preschool. I continue to put my foot down, insisting that (for now) she is better off at home.
She also had an MRI, Genetics testing and a pediatric follow up.
We received the blow that Sarah has Cerebral Palsy. Lots to process.
The genetics doctor suggests some type of chromosomal abnormality that can possibly be determined by blood work. There is a chance though (30%) that nothing will show up and we won't be any further ahead.
I think I homeschooled 5 out of the possible 20 this month. Kind of a write off. Thank goodness for traditional homeschooling.

DECEMBER

Our dog needed surgery to remove a stone in her bladder. To date, she seems to be doing better.
No appointments this month other than one home visit.
Doug officially resigned his position of Chairman of the board at church. He remains on the board as an elder.
His back is still in recovery mode. Seems like it's two steps forward, one step back. Almost like a little reminder for him to take it easy still.
We did a little bit of school but nothing much. There's always next year.
Arianna received two major tooth fillings, one being a root canal. She was so brave!!
We celebrated Christmas with many family and friends. It was a time to remember our Saviour's birth and think about what really matters.

Well, that's about it for this year. We're currently *staycationing* at Doug's parent's place for the New Year's weekend and enjoying the peace and quiet. Lots of family time and hanging out together.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-12-28T07:25:00.000-08:00

I blog-lifted from my dear friend KELLY this morning. Over the past few weeks her little guys have all had some sort of the stomach flu. The poor girl. You can check out her good looking dudes in the link above.

Here's my handful of blessings. I love them from the bottom of my heart.

Christmas

2011-12-23T07:05:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year again. The season of Christmas lights, carols, baking treats, family, presents and an overall feeling of festiveness. I have had a harder time this year and I really can't put my finger on it. My heart just wasn't as *into it* as I have been in the past. Maybe because of Sarah's diagnosis. Maybe because of other family stresses that we've gone through. Who knows. But what I do know is that as the special day of December 25th approaches, my excitement and anticipation is growing. I love to wrap presents. I love to buy things for people that make them feel special. I love to bake and share it. Just thinking about spending Christmas Eve morning with my in-laws makes my heart excited. Sitting by their wood burning stove, drinking a coffee, watching the kids delight their grandparents is enough to make me wonder if I'll even sleep tonight. Thinking about driving down Candycane Lane after the carol service at church and watching the kids open their traditional pajamas. I'm eagerly anticipating their delight as they open the Lion King Special Edition DVD for us to watch while we sample oodles of appetizers, treats and drinks.

When I was growing up, my siblings and I were told we couldn't wake our parents up until a certain time. I'm sure it wasn't that late but it could have been 10:00 in the morning for what it felt like to me. The early riser. Guess who wakes everyone up now? Yes. Me. I don't sleep much on Christmas Eve and it's me who slips into everyone's bedroom, gently (and excitedly) waking them up. Even though my excitement of the season didn't start quite as soon as other years, I don't expect that the morning of this year's December 25 will be any different.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-23T06:32:00.000-08:00

From us to you, have a very

Merry Christmas and a blessed new year!

My son

2011-12-11T09:28:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, Joshua was at a youth event and for whatever reason, he decided to empty his pockets and show me what he had in them. This made me smile because ever since he was a little boy, he's always carried "stuff" in his pockets. Anyhow, the picture below shows what he thought was important to bring along.

flashlight
2 plastic bags
pen
pocket knife (we'll discuss why this isn't a church appropriate item later)
compass
magnifying glass
extra toilet paper (not shown in picture)

I love that on the fun side of this picture is that on Friday night, Joshua attended his first "formal" banquet at church with the youth group. It was a dressy affair and all the kids looked great!

I must say, my young man cleans up pretty nicely! Growing up. Strong and handsome. I love him so much!

Sadie

2011-12-03T15:00:00.000-08:00

We have a little black dog. She's a Havanese poodle cross. She has been part of our family since she was 9 weeks old. Like any animal, Sadie has become a member of our family and we are all quite fond of her. Earlier this spring, Sadie had a seizure. We had kind of hoped it was a bit of a fluke but over the course of time, she was having more and more of them. After numerous trips to the vet to sort out her phenobarb levels, it seemed like we had them under control. So we thought. She is recently began having at least one seizure per week and sometimes more.
About three weeks ago, we noticed that she was having lots of *wet* accidents on the floor. Not just the odd one but multiple times a day. We were beginning to think this was a neurological response to the seizures and that we would possibly be thinking about her quality of life. One morning, she had four accidents before 11:00 and so I called the vet. Thankfully, our vet was in and could see Sadie that afternoon. After doing an examination and taking all my concerns into consideration, the doctor went to take a urine sample to see if Sadie had a bladder infection. Because she had gone at home, there was nothing to sample but the vet requested an x-ray because she could feel something in that area. As it turns out, Sadie has a stone in her bladder. This stone is the size of a large cherry. Now inside a little 11 pound dog, that is a pretty good sized rock. Our options were few. One being surgery to remove it (not a cheap fix let me say) or a more... final procedure.
I came home with Sadie and explained it to the kids. Three sets of tear filled eyes looked at me and Andrea finally voiced "well, you ARE going to do the surgery right Mom?" I told her that I'd talk to Dad and get back to them about what we thought. Lying in bed that night, Doug and I talked about our options (few as they were). Since we determined that the peeing in the house is most frustrating and that we feel we can manage the seizures, we decided to go ahead with the operation. Sadie is still really young and as I said before, a member of the family. I also told the kids that because of the cost, we would have to give up all extras like eating out, coffee runs and other treats. They were all very eager to comply.
Although this surgery will fix the bladder problem, it won't cure the seizures. She is still an epileptic dog and we will (for now) continue to medicate and manage this issue.
Who knew a little bundle of black fluff would work her way into our hearts so deeply...

What is Cerebral Palsy

2011-11-26T07:47:00.000-08:00

I stumbled upon a fantastic website FILLED with information about Cerebral Palsy while I was searching and I wanted to get the important {to me} points all on one page that I could see them. Whenever I become involved in something, be it homeschooling, scrapbooking, photography or now, CP, I tend to become passionate about it and try to learn as much as I can about it. Right now, my fingers are busy clicking on site after site, to learn whatever I can about my daughter. The following information is taken from that site.

What is Cerebral Palsy?

- While cerebral palsy is a blanket term commonly referred to as CP and described by loss or impairment of motor function, cerebral palsy is actually caused by brain damage. The brain damage is caused by brain injury or abnormal development of the brain that occurs while a child’s brain is still developing before birth, during birth, or immediately after birth.
- Cerebral palsy affects body movement, muscle control, muscle coordination, muscle tone, reflex, posture and balance. It can also impact fine motor skills, gross motor skills and oromotor functioning.
- Current research suggests the majority of cerebral palsy cases result from abnormal brain development or brain injury prior to birth or during labor and delivery.
- An individual with cerebral palsy will likely show signs of physical impairment. However, the type of movement disorder, the location and number of limbs involved, as well as the extent of impairment, will vary from one individual to another. It can affect arms, legs, and even the face; it can affect one limb, several, or all.
- Cerebral palsy affects muscles and a person’s ability to control them. Muscles can contract too much, too little, or all at the same time. Limbs can be stiff and forced into painful, awkward positions. Fluctuating muscle contractions can make limbs tremble, shake, or writhe.
- Balance, posture, and coordination can also be affected by cerebral palsy. Tasks such as walking, sitting, or tying shoes may be difficult for some, while others might have difficulty grasping objects.
- Other complications, such as intellectual impairment, seizures, and vision or hearing impairment also commonly accompany cerebral palsy.

Cerebral palsy is non-life-threatening: With the exception of children born with a severe case, cerebral palsy is considered to be a non-life-threatening condition. Most children with cerebral palsy are expected to live well into adulthood.
Cerebral palsy is incurable: Cerebral palsy is damage to the brain that cannot currently be fixed. Treatment and therapy help manage effects on the body.
Cerebral palsy is non-progressive: The brain lesion is the result of a one-time brain injury and will not produce further degeneration of the brain.
Cerebral palsy is permanent: The injury and damage to the brain is permanent. The brain does not heal as other parts of the body might. Because of this, the cerebral palsy itself will not change for better or worse during a person’s lifetime. On the other hand, associative conditions may improve or worsen over time.
Cerebral palsy is not contagious; it is not communicable: In the majority of cases, cerebral palsy is caused by damage to the developing brain. Brain damage is not spread through human contact. However, a person can intentionally or unintentionally increase the likelihood a child will develop cerebral palsy through abuse, accidents, medical malpractice, negligence, or the spread of a bacterial or viral infection.
Cerebral palsy is manageable: The impairment caused by cerebral palsy is manageable. In other words, treatment, therapy, surgery, medications and assistive technology can help maximize independence, reduce barriers, increase inclusion and thus lead to an enhanced quality-of-life.
Cerebral palsy is chronic: The effects of cerebral palsy are long-term, not temporary. An individual diagnosed with cerebral palsy will have the condition for their entire life.

**All information on this post was taken directly from MY CHILD. I do not claim any part of this is as my own**

The Results Are In

2011-11-24T10:19:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had a moment where you feel like your world is about to come crashing down on you? Today, Doug and I received some news about Sarah that has put us into a bit of a state of shock.

We were given the results of the MRI. I think I went in with the hope that we'd be told that there was nothing going on and to have a nice day. That unfortunately was not the case.

Medically speaking, Sarah's "corpus callosum" is slightly thinned. This means that the connection between the two halves of the brain is not as thick as it should be, therefore causing the delays. In Doug's not so medical terms, he confirmed that Sarah's brain is simply wired differently. Not wrong or bad, just different.

They also found that there is "periventricular white matter" , consistent with "periventricular gliosis", WHICH as I understand, is the cause of her balance issues.

All these findings are likely caused by a lack of oxygen to Sarah's brain while I was pregnant with her. The doctor told us that his diagnosis for Sarah is a mild form of Cerebral Palsy.

Cerebral palsy (CP) is a disorder that affects muscle tone, movement, and motor skills (the ability to move in a coordinated and purposeful way). Cerebral palsy can also lead to other health issues, including vision, hearing, and speech problems, and learning disabilities.

CP is usually caused by brain damage that occurs before or during a child's birth, or during the first 3 to 5 years of a child's life. There is no cure for CP, but treatment, therapy, and special equipment can help a child who is living with the condition. Cerebral palsy affects muscle control and coordination, so even simple movements like standing still are difficult. Other vital functions that also involve motor skills and muscles such as breathing, bladder and bowel control, eating, and learning may also be affected when a child has CP. Cerebral palsy does not get worse over time.

(Information taken from this SITE)

Sarah will continue to progress at her own speed. She will not regress nor will she reach a point where she stops learning. She will for now continue to be behind her peers physically and developmentally. She may never catch up but she will ultimately reach her full potential, whatever that may be.

I feel raw at the moment. If someone were to ask how I am doing, the answer would be "not great". I managed to drive home in a state of disbelief, shock and even fear. What does the future hold for us? What am I going to do with this plethora of information? I feel sad, deflated and broken. My heart is aching so bad right now.

Genetics Day

2011-11-22T06:01:00.000-08:00

Yesterday brought us to the second major test that we've been waiting for. The one that was delayed an extra month. Overall, the appointment went well. It was in fact, Sarah's best in that there was very little crying. Only one stint where they wanted to weigh her and she simply didn't like that.
We answered a whole bunch of questions that the nurse asked us, everything from my pregnancy history, miscarriages, to Sarah's development and growth.

The genetics doctor was very gentle mannered and "nice" for lack of a better word. Initially, his appearance of a mad scientist who just came out of the lab, had me a little worried but my fears were eased by his soft tone and spirit. He again, asked us the same questions that the nurse did and the same questions I answered on paper before the meeting but whatever.

I'd like to say at this point, I am grateful for Wendy (again) who came along to this appointment. She took notes for me. I am such a visual person and if it wasn't for her, I'm not sure how much I'd remember.

The doctor has requested some blood work for Sarah. *sad* He is going to test for three things, two of which he's pretty sure won't be the case. They are common abnormalities and Sarah displays one or two symptoms of each but not enough to be 100% sure. The third test will determine a possible chromosomal abnormality. This will not tell us if her make-up is normal vs. not normal but rather it may possibly show an increase in one chromosome or a lack of another. That could explain *maybe* why the delays are such, why she doesn't have much hair, the balance, lack of potty training... I don't exactly know. We were warned that the first two tests Fragile X and Rhetts will take three months to get answers from and the chromosomal test will be nine months. The doctor can't see any pattern in Sarah to confidently decide on a syndrome but is suspicious of some chromosomal issue. One comment that he said that caught me off guard was that Sarah doesn't look like Doug or I. I personally don't think any of my kids *look* like me but I was a little put out. I have heard from many people who know us that Sarah DOES look like Doug, and even though the doctor is a professional, I'd rather take the opinions of my friends instead.

So, all in all, the afternoon went well. I finished it off with a cup of tea with my sister who had kept my older kids for the afternoon and then arrived home to the aroma of a roast in the slow cooker. All I had to do was pull the meat apart and we ate. I have to say, that was probably my best decision ever. What a nice way to end the day!

Thank you for praying my friends. I appreciate you all.

MRI day

2011-11-17T15:55:00.000-08:00

Well, the day dawned bright and early for me after a long restless night. Did I sleep? Yes. Did I sleep well? No. Lots of tossing and turning, thinking and spending long stretches praying and crying.
As I wrote this first part, Sarah was blessedly still sleeping. She did wake up to nurse at 5:30 which is what I hoped would happen as our cutoff time was 6:00. At least I knew that she had a little bit of nourishment in her little tummy.

As it turned out, our morning greeted us with the first snowstorm of this winter season. Great. The drive to the University wasn't all that bad... a little slippery and blustery but Doug's a good, confident driver. When we arrived at the hospital, we asked for directions to where we should be and they sent us down a long hallway, turn right... whatever. We go to admit her and are told we need to be at the pediatric MRI area. Ok. Off we go, down the elevator, more hallways and turns. We arrive at the unit and are informed that we actually DID need to be where we were in the first place. I was doing alright but could feel the push of a cry-fest approaching. For the benefit of my daughter, I swallowed it down and head back the the original unit we were at. Again, we are told we are in the wrong place and in fact need to be in, a totally different area of this GIGANTIC hospital. My local friends and family know and understand how large and complicated the UofA is. I'm feeling slightly lost, frustrated and confused. A lovely older nurse guided us to the general vicinity of where we were to be. Once we asked another person, she also took us straight to the correct MRI unit. This took 30 minutes. Thankful that I'm pretty strict about arriving early.

Once we signed in, a nurse quickly administered some EMLA cream to Sarah's tiny hands. My daughter was less than impressed and tried to insist we take it off. About half an hour later, they took her vitals, I put cute little hospital jammies on her and knew that the time was coming. Sure enough, it was minutes later that they called me to the back, ready to anesthetize her. Because she was crying, Sarah's veins were nice and big (relatively speaking) for them to put the IV in. In a matter of a minute, she went from screaming and fighting to peacefully limp in my arms. I held it together. I did not cry. In the waiting room was Doug and my sister in law Melanie. It was so nice to have someone to talk to and pass the time by. I didn't want to leave the area because I insisted on staying close to Sarah.

It was only 25 minutes later when they told me she was awake. All I could hear was her tiny little voice saying "I nee' mom." I picked up my limp little girl and held her close. She was in my arms again. We waited the 20 minutes in the recovery room and were sent home. Sarah came out of the anesthesia wonderfully. We even stopped for a quick lunch on our way out and she has been chatty and happy all afternoon.

Notes I'd like to end this post with:

~ I am thankful for the nurses who are so passionate about their job. I felt like I mattered to them and that Sarah was just as important and special as the next kid.
~ I am glad that I like to be early.
~ I am blessed to have a mother in law who will lovingly watch my children while I am busy.
~ I am thankful that Doug's job allows him to be flexible. I couldn't have done today without him.
~ I have a wonderful aunt who offered to make supper for us tonight.
~ I'm grateful for all my friends who held me in prayer today. I believe that the fact that I didn't cry all morning is because of their prayers. Thank you.

It Happened to Us

2011-11-04T14:59:00.000-07:00

A miracle that is. I think for the most part, we often think miracles happen to other people but never us. I have an inspiring story to share.

For quite a few years, Doug has been fighting vertigo. In his words, he described it as laying on a record player and being unable to get off. The past 2-3 years for him have been much harder with needing medication to control it and missing up to five or six days of work a month. If was a really bad spell, it would keep him in bed for a day or more.

On the weekend of October 1, Doug attended the annual Elder's meeting at Camp Nakamun. As was anticipated, Doug began to feel the onset of a dizzy spell come so he went to his room to take a pill. As he said to me "we believe in the power of medicine and the power of miracles". When he arrived back at the session, one of the elders noted that he wasn't feeling good. Doug simply shrugged it off and replied that he'd be fine in a bit. Suddenly, Henry announced that they needed to pray for Doug. Pastor David (who was speaking at the time) asked if he could at least finish his presentation. Henry stated again that they needed to pray for Doug. When asked if Henry felt the power of the Spirit on him, Henry said he didn't know but they needed to pray. With that, Henry began to pray for Doug. While this was happening, Doug's ears began to get hot and Henry started to feel a bit dizzy. Quite often when a person prays for healing, they will feel or experience some of the symptoms that the person they are praying for feels.

Doug's ears felt hot for most of the afternoon and it wasn't until around 3:00 when he noticed that he wasn't dizzy and yet, the medication should have worn off.

It has been just over a month since this has occurred and even with other issues (a back injury), Doug has not experienced one bout of dizziness. He has woken up in the middle of the night to pick up one of our girls from a sleep over, he can get right out of bed with out stumbling and he can go from a sitting position to standing with no feeling of head rush.

He has been healed of his vertigo. We praise God for this miracle even in the times of frustration with a very painful back. God is GOOD!

Connections Playgroup Part II

2011-11-03T19:30:00.000-07:00

I had a visit this morning from Wendy to discuss some of the findings of Tuesday's session. One of the suggestions was to get a referral to the Glenrose in the Physical Medicine department. The OT was concerned about how much Sarah drags her toes when she walks (her shoes are proof of this). The Phys Med area would focus on her walk, her gait and her gross motor skills. They would then work with us on physical and occupational therapy for Sarah. They also would be able to suggest {again} that we have the assessment done and by this point, we will have already had a foot in the door, so to speak.

We are also going to investigate other programs in our area that might be willing to work with us at home. Wendy warned me that the group is going to try to tell me that Sarah needs to be in a program and that I can just set my heels in deep and say no. I think that makes me sad. I'm sad that the professionals don't think that I am able to do this. As Sarah's mom, I do not feel that a preschool/program/structured system is the right road for her. {If you read this and disagree, please be nice and don't voice your opinion yet} I firmly believe that the best learning takes place in her home with me, her dad and her siblings. Her grandparents, aunts and uncles are all very involved in her life and together, I am determined we can make it work.
Wendy brought over a handmade matching game for Sarah.

There were four pictures of Curious George on a piece of paper.

Then she brought out four cut outs of the same pictures.

When the *game* was first brought out, Sarah just whispered in awe, "George, mom." It was so sweet how her favorite monkey happened to find his way into Wendy's bag.

For now though, we simply wait. Wait until more testing. Wait until we hear from other services. Wait until the full report from this assessment comes. I'm getting good at waiting. I just don't like it.

Connections Playgroup Part I

2011-11-01T18:16:00.000-07:00

The day started bright and early as we had to leave the house for 8:00 in order to arrive on time (adding in traffic and rush hour) for our 9:00 appointment. This was a play based session where all Sarah had to do was play. The room was neatly stationed with various toys all designed to encourage different areas of development. Her favorite was the little slide... I'd bet she went on it close to 100 or more times. Up and down, over and over. After being observed by an Occupational Therapist, Psychologist, Nurse, Speech Therapist, and Speech Pathologist, we all got together (including our EI counselor) and had a 30 minute debriefing. All the specialists spoke of what they saw in Sarah and we discussed what we were looking for in this particular session.
I made it clear that none of my kids, Sarah included, have gone or will go to a preschool. I felt it was important to make my position known early on. I explained that I want to know where Sarah is at and what I can do in my home to help her learn, develop and reach her full potential. They seemed open to that and they gave us some leads of groups that may or may not help. But unless we look into them, we don't really know.
It was decided also that until the medical tests are done (Genetics and the dreaded MRI), we can't really determine what more to do. Hopefully those two tests together will be the climax to the last 5 months of attempting to figure out what's up with my little Miss.
Our EI counselor is coming for {another} home visit on Thursday to discuss the details and findings of today's group assessment.

1 Peter 1: 6-7
So be truly glad.There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

As I read this, I'll admit that I find that being joyful can be hard. I'm physically and emotionally tired and some of these trials are really exhausting. God is faithful though and has promised to stand by me through all of this. I'm working on laying my fears and pain at His feet and taking delight in my family.

Deflated.

2011-10-19T15:34:00.000-07:00

I think that's the best way to describe how I feel today. The morning started with a home visit from our EI Counselor and in addition to her simply doing her job, she's become someone I trust, confide in and appreciate.

I agreed to do an informal screening this morning just to see where Sarah is at and to see what progress she has made in six months. It was exciting and encouraging to see the improvement in all areas of development. I'm one who likes to have things written down. I'm a visual person and so I need to see the changes on paper. So, in my organized fashion, I whipped up a little chart that compares where Sarah was at 35 months and where she is at 40 months.

The yellow highlights Sarah at 35 months and the blue highlights 40 months.

Area of Development	Skill Level	Age Difference
Fine Motor	27-28 months	7-8 months
	33-34 months	6-7 months
Gross Motor	25 months	10 months
	28-29 months	11-12 months
Receptive Language	27-28 months	7-8 months
	33-34 months	6-7 months
Expressive Language	27-28 months	7-8 months
	29-30 months	10-11 months
Auditory Memory & Recognition	24-25 months	10-11 months
	28-29 months	11-12 months
Visual Memory & Recognition	18-19 months	16-17 months
	23-24 months	16-17 months
Self Help Skills	31-32 months	3-4 months
	37-38 months	2-3 months
Social Skills	39-40 months	4-5 months (ahead)
	48-49 months	8-9 months (ahead)

So yes, she IS improving but she also is still getting older and the way I see it is that she is no further ahead at this time. Although she isn't at the level of a 18-24 month old, she's still up to 1.5 years behind. It was when I looked at it this way, I felt my everything simply fall. My heart, my energy, my spirit. I guess it leaves me to wonder if she'll ever catch up. It is hard to send her to a play-based program at our church designed for two year old kids, knowing it is perfectly suited for her. I believe that she wouldn't thrive or succeed in the preschool program geared for 3-5 years old.

We had an appointment booked with a geneticist since August. Two months we waited. Three days before, we receive a phone call cancelling that appointment. Just. Like. That. After three phone calls back to them, I receive a new appointment... for November 21. Another month to wait. Four days before that one, we will be at her MRI and another week after that, we'll be following up for the MRI. I'm already looking forward for the month of November to be over.

I'm feeling incredibly discouraged today. As much as I know and believe I need to follow through with all of this for my daughter, my momma heart wants to just leave her be. Save her the pain of needles, doctors, nurses and tests. I wish these next words were mine but I credit my friend Jessica for saying what I haven't been able to put in words:

"There are no guarantees in life, and although we don't want our children to be in pain, we know that even this present suffering can be "worked out" for good as we love and train our children in the middle of their suffering."

I'm not sure when (or even if) Sarah will ever understand why we are doing this for {to} her. For now I will continue to advocate for her and do whatever I can to help her.
Philippians 4:6-7
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 41:10
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

One of those weeks...

2011-10-14T07:35:00.000-07:00

The weekend was spent as a family, with family... celebrating Thanksgiving together. On Monday, we didn't have much planned other than Doug figured he'd build one of the two gates for our new fence. Then, he put his back out. Cleaning out the shower. Nice. Now, for the most part, he seldom does anything part way and in fact, this back issue has put him out of commission ALL WEEK.

Tuesday:
The pediatrician appointment for Sarah that we had booked three months ago. I ended up having to drive myself (and Sarah) to the office alone. Now I'm not really afraid of driving in the city but I do find the infamous "Whyte Ave" to be a little intimidating. Thankfully I had a reliable GPS and good directions from Doug. As planned, Sarah's EI counselor met us there. She was going to be the one to push the doctor to get us in at the Glenrose. I forgot and she didn't know that the pediatrician is allergic to perfumes and other scents. That meant that she had to leave the room. So for a while, I felt very alone. I did muster the courage to ask him what we should do about the Glenrose and his suggestion was to wait until the completion of the rest of the tests.

When I got home, I drove Doug the chiropractor, Andrea to her music lesson, made supper and went to the bank so Joshua could open an account. I went to bed exhausted... I'm sure I was sleeping by 9:15.

Wednesday:
I stayed home all morning to be with the kids. They'd taken the entire long weekend off of schooling so we had a little catching up to do. I (again) drove Doug to another chiropractor appointment, drove Andrea to the auditions at church, threw a pizza in the oven and ended another day.

Thursday:
I headed into the city to meet my sister and aunt for a coffee date. I had a nice visit with them and it was good to connect. Sarah also loves the facility of Cafe O' Play and I know it's good for her motor skills. I made it home for lunch, a third chiropractor appointment, a facilitator home visit, lasgana in the oven, dealt with a little dog's seizure and eventually all four kids to bed.

Friday:
I woke up to realize I would (in addition to everything else), bring the garbages to the curb. Doug has another appointment this morning that I will drive him to, then to the city to sell some Kijiji items, make meals and try to squeeze in some school work.

*sigh* I'm just plain weary this week. Driving, serving, helping... I feel like my job description has multiplied greatly and I'm doing my best to fill in the role of mom, teacher, wife, nurse, taxi, chef... I'll be glad to have this week over.

Another Update

2011-09-27T18:30:00.000-07:00

We made the decision to apply for financial assistance from Family Support for Children with Disabilities. In order to receive this funding, we needed to get a referral letter from our pediatrician stating Sarah's needs and his concerns. This is what it says:

Sarah has developmental delays and Microcephaly. She will always need special education. She has documented delays in speech, fine motor and gross motor and visual memory as well as auditory recognition skills. Her condition is chronic and organic. Any help you can give this family is appreciated and appropriate.

Dr. M.

I knew these were the concerns but I guess seeing them so black and white is harsh and hurts a bit. Maybe inside, deep down, I had hoped that the letter wouldn't say anything like that and we wouldn't be able to apply...

Philippians 4:13 "I can do ALL things through Him who gives me strength."

A year ago and now

2011-09-26T20:29:00.000-07:00

2010

2011

2010

2011

2010

2011

2010

2011

Seven Random Facts

2011-09-22T14:19:00.000-07:00

I received this idea from a young blogger this afternoon. Simply to write 7 things about myself that my readers may or may not know. So here you go...

1. I am passionate about my children. How and where they learn is so important to me. I love homeschooling them and teaching them about life.
2. I fell in love once and married that young man who captured my heart in grade 12. I am still crazy in love with my husband who is also my best friend. I look forward to growing old with him and raising our family together.
3. The past few months have taught me how to be my child's greatest advocate and do whatever I need to, ensuring her greatest successes. I've also learned how to lean on my Father in my saddest times and thank Him for the joys.
4. I hope to one day live on an acreage. I can see our homeschooling journey grow and bloom in the quiet of the country. I can see so much learning potential if we are out of the hustling, bustling city.
5. One of my dearest friends lives in Alabama. We don't talk often on the phone, but we do text and Facebook often. I can't wait to see her in person again.
6. I really don't like winter. Being cold makes me miserable.
7. I am a morning person. I love my coffee and the hour before the house rises up. Time to think, read and pray. I also use that time to prepare myself for the day to come and whatever it has in store for me.

There you have it. Feel free to join the blog train and leave a comment in the section below.

Worries

2011-09-21T05:45:00.000-07:00

Today I stumbled upon a blog that is written by a stay at home, homeschooling mom. In it she talks about finding joy amidst the worries that life can throw at us. Today, I am going to find joy and set aside my worries.

Joy in my children.
Joy in their schooling.
Joy in my home.
Joy in what I do.
Joy in how I do it.

Setting aside my worries about health, academics, my endless list of to-dos, the lack of time... today I will not worry about those things. Worry takes away joy.

1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Sarah Update

2011-09-19T20:25:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I blogged specifically about Sarah so I thought I'd give an update.

Wendy continues to come every few weeks to play with Sarah. Her visits are both encouraging to me and at the same time, can bring me down a bit. She brings wonderful materials for Sarah to touch and explore which is helping Sarah improve her visual memory & recognition. Sarah's current favorite item is when Wendy brings a bag of dried beans to hide toys in. My sweet girl quickly takes off her socks and wiggles her feet in the bag. It is a wonderfully sensory activity and I know she enjoys it.

The last visit was one for me to vent a bit. I received a call from the Glenrose Hospital and essentially felt like the door was closed in my face. They told me they couldn't help me until or unless Sarah was in a "program" such as a preschool. I hung up feeling defeated. I can't and won't put my tiny 3 year old in a school type place. I don't believe it will help and I'm not open to that idea. I also asked Wendy to help me begin the process for FSCD funding. Family Support for Children with Disabilities. Funding that would help with childcare since I feel that the people I ask to babysit must be quite a bit older and somewhat experienced with her. People who are ultra patient and understand that she is not of 3 year old abilities. That, is hard for me. I think when I complete the application and (if) we are approved, reality will hit once again. I think the most encouraging words Wendy says to me are "It is really tough isn't it?" Yes. It is tough. I appreciate the fact that she doesn't fluff around it telling me that it will be ok and so on. She accepts my decision to keep Sarah home and I appreciate that too. She is my advocate and on my side. Admittedly, I also have times (usually after she leaves) that I wish I didn't need these visits.

I try hard not to be too down or frustrated but like everyone else, I have bad days. Days that I cry more, wish and pray that I didn't have to go through this.

"I am pressed but not crushed,
persecuted, but not abandoned,
struck down, but not destroyed.
I am blessed beyond the curse,
for His promise will endure
and His joy is going to be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night,
His joy comes with the morning."
~Delirious~

I'm doing my best to believe these words... really I am.

Random comment

2011-09-15T15:50:00.000-07:00

by Arianna today. While driving around the city doing errands:

"My feet stink. Does anyone wanna smell them?"

Mmm... no honey. Put your shoes on and now we'll open the windows for a minute....

A Bunny

2011-09-11T13:59:00.000-07:00

For quite a while now, Andrea has been friends with a girl who lives on a farm. I can't recall how many times I'd pick Andrea up from Tia's with a plea to buy a bunny. I always gave a firm no. The last time (about 2 weeks ago), I was asked once again. After Doug and I talked about it alone and with Andrea, we agreed to let her get one. It was her money that bought the bunny, bag of food and some wood chips. Today was the day that Tia delivered the bunny. There was great anticipation in our house by everyone as the newest member of our family arrived. The hutch was set up, water bottle and food dish filled and Miss. Pixie was introduced to her new home.

Starting to build the hutch

The completed hutch

A very happy 11 year old!

About 2 pounds of supreme cuteness!!

Has it been that long...

2011-09-10T06:37:00.000-07:00

since Doug and I were in youth group at church? I don't recall my first youth event but last night, I dropped off my "baby" at his. It was an odd feeling of letting him go. I didn't get out of the van to say good bye. He didn't hug or kiss me either. Some bittersweet feelings as I watched my firstborn head off with his friends, ready to face this next chapter in his life.

I remember many youth events... in fact, it was a Friday night (a football game to be specific) that I told a friend of mine that I wanted to date Doug. Who knew that asking him to be my date for my grad night would eventually lead us down the aisle into our marriage of now 14 years!

Anyhow, it was just an odd-like sensation bringing Joshua to something that I so clearly remember about my own growing up years. Maybe it made me just feel older. More grown up. How silly is that! Am I ready for junior high... I hope these are great years for him. Years of friends, growing and changing.

Wow. Junior high....

Happy Birthday Andrea

2011-09-10T06:20:00.000-07:00

Eleven years ago today, I went into the hospital ready to have our second baby. I had no idea at the time how this sweet little bundle of pink would change our lives forever. From a cute, round faced, pig-tail haired little girl to a tall, slim, mature young lady... the years have gone by so fast.

You are an amazing girl and I can see God doing amazing things in your life. You have a heart to tell people about Jesus and I know He has great plans for you.

You are wonderful with children... both your own younger sisters, and the kids you babysit. You have a natural gift to play with them and I can see much of me in you when I was that age.

You can sing. I love listening to you praise God through your voice.

You are smart. Teaching you is a joy and it's so exciting to have those "lightbulb" moments together as a concept becomes clear to you!

You are creative. I've seen you design Halloween costumes, dresses and other items. You are crafty, artistic and talented. I can't wait to see how you put all those to use as you grow up even more.

You are not a morning person. Your birthday present this morning will tell that! *smile*

Birthday 2004

Joshua is your closest friend and yet a greatest pest at the same time.

Birthday 2005

Arianna models you. She adores you and watches everything you do. She wants to be just like you!

Birthday 2006

Sarah adores you. You are her "go-to" person when I'm busy in the kitchen or when I need to run out for a bit. You are her hero!

Birthday 2007 - First motorcycle ride!

Your dad and I love you. We love watching you grow into a young woman and we are amazed at how far you've come in your life. I pray that God protects you in these fragile years and that He continues to show me how to be the best mom to you.

Birthday 2008

Birthday 2009

Birthday 2010

Today is your day Andrea. I wish you the happiest of all birthdays and that this year is filled to overflowing with fun, happiness and blessings!

2011

Moving On

2011-09-02T06:05:00.000-07:00

We moved into this house in November 2009. Around that time, a sweet 11 year old girl moved into a house across the street. Andrea and Cassie clicked like I've never seen before. Two girls who danced together, spent endless hours at one another's houses, one waited for the other to come home, shared clothes... you name it. They were the greatest of girlfriends. In June of 2010, Cassie's family decided to move back to their home in Ontario. To my young 10 year old, that might as well have been across the world, not just across the country. Andrea cried for a long time after that. The girls have stayed in touch by phone (yes, we've paid more than enough in long distance charges) but it's not the same.

Last night, after a conversation on the phone with Cassie, Andrea fell into a funk. She was gloomy and unhappy. Around 10:00 she came to me crying about how much she misses her friend. We had a long talk (why do these happen late at night?!) and I told Andrea that she needed to let go of the ultra-sad feelings she has about Cassie living so far away. I reminded her of the friends she has close by and although they will never BE Cassie, they are still wonderful girls to have around. I encouraged her to call other girls that she knows through our homeschooling lines and do what she can to play with them. I reminded her that Cassie will always have a special place in her heart and no one can replace that special friendship they had. I also had to encourage her that there ARE other kids who live much closer and can be super friends as well.

Thankfully, she went to bed happily thinking about her upcoming birthday and the plans she was creating to celebrate it.

Cassie & Andrea

Fun Monday

2011-08-30T07:55:00.000-07:00

I took the kids on an impromptu trip to an outdoor pool today. What a great way to spend the day! We all came home sun-kissed and some of us a little pinker than others. I remembered to put sunscreen on everyone except Joshua. Poor guy has quite a sunburn.
One of the pool rules is that in order for the kids to play in the deep end and use the diving boards, they must swim a length of the pool without stopping. This, is not Joshua's forte. He tried {unsuccessfully} twice and I managed to encourage him to do it once more. Thankfully, he did it and was able to have the freedom that his sister and cousins did.
Arianna was happy to keep a life jacket on which meant I could just follow Sarah around. Arianna also surprised me by doing a flip off the diving board! Wow, she's sure gotten braver over the years!

It was (at times) exhausting to keep an eye on Sarah. She has no perception of danger or depth of water. Also, with her balance issues, I had to ensure I held her hand at all times. Thankfully, she was just as happy to spend lengths of time in her stroller eating snacks. That gave me a few minutes here and there to watch the older ones and let my guard down a bit.

Overall though, it was a fantastic day! When we got home, I somehow managed to send all three older kids to both sets of grandparents which meant I had the evening to myself! Oh, sweet alone time!

New Gadget

2011-08-25T06:03:00.000-07:00

On my blog now. You now are able to receive my blog posts via email. On the top right hand corner, you can see the link to add your email. I don't have access to that information, the blog updates are simply sent to you automatically. If you prefer, I can add you manually to receive them.

Release

2011-08-24T19:14:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a while lately and despite my wanting to write something... my mind came up blank. I haven't *really* started school, we have no news about Sarah, and life in general just seems to be chugging along. Last weekend, I attended our church service and shared these thoughts with Doug:

After months of stressing, worrying and crying about the concerns for Sarah, I finally released my struggle and gave it back to God. It was at church one evening and I don't remember the speaker or even the message but I came to the realization that I can't and don't need to deal with this on my own. That this is where God wants me to be and I am doing the best I can for my little girl. I will {try} to wait patiently for the appointments and when those days come, do my best to lean on my Father to hold me up. I imagine and expect many tears to fall yet. I'm just one of those people. I cry lots. I suspect I'll also have angry days as well.

Now, that being said, I still struggle a bit because I am still the parent and will have to help administer the tests... no one will take that difficulty away. I will be the parent who watches her *baby* fall into a deep slumber to prepare for an MRI. I will hold her bitty arm so that we can get the necessary blood work done. I look forward to when all this stuff is done and we {hopefully} will get some answers.

Romans 5:3 reminds me that "We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance."

Wordless Wednesday

2011-08-24T06:10:00.000-07:00

08.24.11

Today

2011-08-19T09:03:00.000-07:00

Thankful Thursday (08.18.11)

2011-08-18T19:32:00.000-07:00

my husband of 14 years
my four amazingly wonderful children
God's forgiveness, mercy & love
the fabulous volunteers who hang out with my kids at VBS
my in-laws and their generosity (love their garden!)
friends~ both local and across the US
my health
the tools that make my life just a bit simpler
life

School Pictures

2011-08-15T09:34:00.000-07:00

As I enter a new year of homeschooling I had thought about how public schools all get photographers to come in and take pictures of the students. Although my kids were in a hybrid program last year, and did get their photos taken, I {personally} thought I could do better. And I did. So this year, I am offering homeschool families the opportunity to get their kids' pictures taken. I don't know if anything will come of it but I thought I'd throw it out there!

Jam Day

2011-08-12T06:21:00.000-07:00

I spent the better part of yesterday at my mother in law's, making freezer jam. We made five batches and each batch yielded seven jars of jam.

Picking through the fruit

Off to get some more raspberries!

Even Sarah got in on the action!

The mixture sitting and waiting to be poured into jars.

Thirty-five jars of jam! And 7 were left at my mother-in-laws.

After four hours, Grandma and Sarah needed a rest!

A delightful spread on toast this morning!

So Crazy Hard

2011-08-11T18:44:00.000-07:00

I received ANOTHER batch of forms to fill out this afternoon. Ten pages of medical and developmental history for Sarah... this one for the Preschool Assessment Service.
My least favorite question is:

What are your main concerns about your child? The answer that comes from my heart is "nothing... it's the doctor that wants the assessment." I don't even know IF I'm concerned. Yes, she's behind. I understand, admit and accept that. I don't know that it's a concern though. No idea what to put in that blank.

This all just makes me sad, angry and ready to cry. I hate having to go through all this.

Wednesday Thoughts

2011-08-10T14:17:00.000-07:00

Although I haven't had as many sad days as I did at the end of July, I still have moments. They are unpredictable and can show up at any time. The last meltdown was at a wedding. No reason... just a moment of tears.
I was discouraged the other day. Sarah had a wonderful year from age 2-3... no tantrums, screaming, nothing. Now as she is past her third birthday, she's just busier, mischievious and looks for trouble. This is sad for me since these are behaviors that most parents see at 18-24 months. Maybe just confirmation that she is as delayed as we're told.
I have moments where I wonder if she's regressing. I hate to be such a downer but it's what I see. Maybe I'm wrong and I'm imagining things.
Today we started school. It was time to have a bit of routine back in our day and I was tired of the kids hanging around. It went reasonably well. For day one. I am really looking forward to schooling them this year.
I am marvelling at the independence of my older three kids. Today, Joshua biked to the church on his own for a weekly program they have. Andrea and Arianna went to a park today by themselves that mean they had to cross a busy (light controlled) street. I know I could have gone with them but I was tired and I knew they would be delighted to be on their own.
I love the warm summer days we've been having. I'm dreading putting jeans, sweaters and coats back on...

That's all for now...

Wordless Wednesday

2011-08-10T13:46:00.000-07:00

Opthamologist Appointment

2011-08-03T13:15:00.000-07:00

I was up early this morning. I had every intention of hopping on the treadmill before breakfast but the tightness in my chest from the cold I've been fighting was just too much for me. Instead, I went downstairs to enjoy a cup of coffee and some kid-free time.

Overall, the appointment went well. Sarah was (for the most part) cheerful and cooperative. Both the opthamologist and the intern were really good with kids and didn't force anything on Sarah.

When all was said and done, he determined that her eyelids are "hooded". That just means her eyelids are more prominent than average. The initial concern was that this hooding could be preventing her from seeing to her full potential. This is not the case. Her optic nerves are smaller than normal but most of her body is. *smile* We left with the knowledge that she doesn't need surgery or glasses and that her vision is not the cause of her balance issues.

This is both good and bad. I'm glad she doesn't need anything to correct her vision but that means there's still something else going on. Now we continue to wait...

Goldfish Crackers

2011-08-02T15:49:00.000-07:00

I had recently seen a link for homemade goldfish crackers. You know those crazy addictive cheese flavored crackers? So good! Anyhow, I thought to myself, "I'm creative and like to try new things, let's give them a try." I used the recipe from FOODBUZZ and set out to make them. Let me first say, the best part about this is that you very likely have the five ingredients in your house right now. So here's the recipe:

1 cup Flour
4 Tbsp Butter, room temperature
8 ounces Sharp Cheddar Cheese, grated
3/4 tsp Salt
2 Tbsp cold water

1. Pulse everything together in the food processor until it resembles coarse sand.
2. Pulse in water, 1 tablespoon at a time.
3. Remove, wrap in plastic, and chill for 20 minute.
4. Roll out dough, and cut into desired shape. You can use a toothpick to make the eyes and smile if desired. Place on lined cookie sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for about 15 minutes, or until crispy.

Now I'm sure you're wondering how I made those fish shapes... I saw the instructions for this on Miss. Anthropist's Kitchen. All you need is a pair of sharp scissors, some tape or stapler and a pop can. Here's the instructions for that:

Draw outline of goldfish on a piece of paper for reference. (Mine was about an inch in length)
Take an empty soda can and cut through it horizontally using a sharp knife.
Using your scissors, cut a strip of metal from the soda can (it should be the circumference of the soda can).
Straighten edges with scissors
Using your goldfish paper template, determine how big the head will be and fold both sides outwards accordingly. Don’t fold too harshly or the strip will break. If this happens, just cut off another strip and start again.
Using your template, determine when to fold the tail. Make sure the end of the tail overlaps at some point, and cut off the excess strip if necessary.
Staple or tape or glue the ends of the tail together. (I used tape over the tail).
For more safety, you may put a protective layer of tape over the top part of the fish (the non-cookie cutting side where you’ll be applying the pressure) as a protection against the metal when cutting.

My tips:

* I'd add a touch more salt. I just like salty foods. I'd also probably add a touch of garlic or onion salt for a bit more flavor.

* Make sure the dough is rolled out quite thin, otherwise you have very thick crackers

* I didn't store them air tight because I didn't want them soft.

Dreams & Waiting

2011-07-30T11:42:00.000-07:00

I hate bad dreams. I always dwell on them and wonder if they'll come to pass. I often dream quite vividly, especially if there's something going on in my life at the time. For instance, I'll dream of scrapbooking the night before a day of crafting. Or I'll dream of fabric and quilt pieces before I begin a quilt project. Odd stuff like that.

Last night I dreamed about... you guessed it, Sarah. In the dream we were given a diagnoses similar to autism but with a few quirks. She would never get bigger physically or emotionally. In a nutshell, we were told that she would remain our *little girl* forever. It was absolutely heartbreaking. I'm sad that these are the thoughts that are with me both day and night.

Waiting is hard. Excruciatingly so in fact.

Wait for the referral papers to arrive in the mail.

Wait to hear that the doctor's office has received them.

Wait to hear from the specialists.

Wait for the appointment.

Wait for the results.

I'm tired of waiting. I'm trying to be patient and have peace about this all but it's tough. A dear friend of mine told me that tears are good for us. That's encouraging to know.

Phillipians 4:13 says: I can do all things through Christ, because he gives me strength.

This is the verse I'm clinging to on the hard days.

Quick Project!

2011-07-30T06:23:00.000-07:00

I had seen on Homemade Mamas WEBSITE, a tutorial on how to turn a shower pouf into a bath toy pouch. I happened to have one lying around and gave it a shot! It is so cute and took me about 10 minutes to whip up! It will look so fun in the bathroom!

Click HERE for the tutorial.

Here's mine:

Evenings

2011-07-28T19:53:00.000-07:00

Seems to be the hardest part of the day. After the busyness of the daily activities are done and I finally sit down in the quiet... I get a little sad (or a lot). I have time to reflect on what we've done and I wonder what the future holds for Sarah. I don't mean to reflect on the negatives, they just seem to come out. I think about how this isn't life threatening but it is life altering (in the words of Doug). What does the future hold for Sarah? For our family?

Just now I was thinking about the upcoming MRI (in 3.5 months) and it actually made my stomach turn. To say I'm not looking forward to it is an understatement... I'm dreading it. The anesthetizing, the procedure, recovery and the potential results.

*sigh*

Balance

2011-07-28T19:48:00.000-07:00

I have been struggling with this for Sarah since it was confirmed that she is globally delayed. I've had a wonderful EI worker come to our house every 2-4 weeks to play with Sarah and teach me how to help her develop further. Some of the exercises (if you will) take a fair amount of effort and time on my part. Planning and helping her stay focused. I know that these times will help her grow and become stronger...

but...

a small part of my momma heart wants to leave her alone. No therapeutic *playing*, no working on areas of weakness... nothing. Just let her be perfectly three years old. She will learn things as she chooses and will gain confidence and knowledge at her own pace...

but...

I need to give her the tools required to reach her full potential. I need to help her reach the top of HER mountain, however high that may be.

I wish I knew the answers...

Tough Questions

2011-07-22T14:32:00.000-07:00

I received a package that I need to fill out for Sarah to be evaluated at the Glenrose Hospital. At the bottom of the form are two questions.

1. What are your main concerns about your child?
2. What questions would you like answered?

Hm. How do I honestly answer those? What ARE my concerns? I have no idea how to put feelings and tears onto paper. I don't even know if I have any questions...

I never thought I'd be in these shoes. I just didn't imagine that this was the path we'd be following for our daughter. I guess I'll think on it and do my best to put the words down.

Pediatrician Appointment (07/18/11)

2011-07-18T16:15:00.000-07:00

I'm not totally sure what I expected out of today's visit at the pediatrician. I left with a plethora of information and I'm still processing what we found out.

Let me first say, it was amazing that I actually got in to see this doctor who isn't accepting new patients and who specializes in kids with delays and special needs. We initially saw the nurse who spent the first hour with us going over all of Sarah's birth history, growth information, developmental milestones, measurements and even blood pressure. After an additional 10 minute wait, Dr. M came in to see us. When all was said and done, it was determined that:

Sarah will get another MRI of her head to see what is going on in it. She has a very small head due to failure of brain growth (Microcephaly). This can (and is very likely) causing the delays in her balance, speech and other areas of development such as fine and gross motor skills.
We have been asked to get genetic testing done. We were offered this when she was younger and we didn't get it done... we likely will look into it now.
We've been referred to the Glenrose for more intense and therefore conclusive testing and assessments.
She needs to see a pediatric opthamologist for her eyes.
I need to work on stretching her hips. They are really tight and are part of the balance issues she has.
We'll go back for a three month follow up.

Dr. M continued to tell us that this is something she will {very likely} deal with for the rest of her life. She will require helps and special education for many years. I'm glad my home school can incorporate special education! Until we get results from the testing though, we won't be able to know what her full potential is and what we can do about it. He agreed that the play therapy from our local Early Intervention Program is good for her. At this point, I'm not going to put her into a preschool/special needs school. My biggest concern is that my sweet and quiet little girl would be so compliant that she may not receive the help she needs. I can do that at home. I have a little *school* of four students and with all five of her family members surrounding her, she will get all the help she needs here.

During the initial exams, she cried. She didn't like having her blood pressure taken or her ears checked. She was equally upset when the Doctor started manipulating her hips. She kept crying with these huge tears rolling down her cheeks, "I wan' go hoooooome". Poor little girl.

I am so thankful that Doug and Melanie (my sister in law) were able to join me at the appointment. I am was emotionally charged to begin with and it was a blessing to have two extra people to support me as well as hear things that I may have missed.

Earlier I mentioned that Dr. M isn't accepting new patients. It just so happens that my beautiful sister in law is a nurse for him and she asked if he would accept and look at Sarah. He agreed to see her and as hard as today's visit was, I'm very thankful.

In Loving Memory - Part 2

2011-07-13T14:54:00.000-07:00

Here are some thoughts that have gone through my mind today:

Do people remember this day and why it is so hard and painful for me? I know they used to but I wonder if over time, others have just forgotten...
I wish that on July 13 of every year, I could have a few hours to myself. To think, cry, read, sleep... whatever I wanted, without having to think about the kids. I feel that is one of the harder parts. I have no time alone to be sad.
I would have liked to have bought myself a bouquet of yellow roses. They were my mom's favorite and because they were, I've become quite fond of them myself. My dad used to do that for me.
I don't think that over time, it gets easier. The pain is still there and although, maybe not as fresh as it was 12 years ago, this is one of the hardest days in a year.
Someone used to call me on this day. I miss that friend a lot.
I feel sad (and even a bit angry) at those who do not have a good relationship with their mom. I'd do just about anything to have mine back.
She would be the one person I could talk honestly and openly to about anything.

(Not bad, the tears just started now)

I'm sad that she didn't get to see more of her children get married or more grandkids be born. She would have loved and doted on every single one of them.
I feel like I've been short changed on life. I don't have the opportunity to tell her about the kids, their successes, their joys and their tears. What would she think about my choices in how I've raised them?
She was such a strong woman in her faith.... I feel so immature when I compare myself to her. As of late (with Sarah stuff), I've faltered and stumbled in my walk with God.
I feel alone. I am very thankful for the prayers that friends offer but it just doesn't fill the void... at least not today.
For many years I embraced the role of the "Big Sister" which forced me to keep my feelings in check, especially when on of my siblings were feeling down. I often put on the brave, happy face that I felt I needed to show them. Thankfully, I've let my guard down and allow myself to be sad and emotional when I need to.
I am thankful for the years I had. She taught me how to be a homemaker, wife and mom. So much of how I do things is because that's the way she did it.
I hope for a long life on earth, watching my children grow up and growing old with Doug. I am so thankful for eternal life in Heaven. I look forward to one day being reunited with her, just as she was with her mom.
Something I try so hard at believing (but don't always do such a good job of) is written on her headstone: GOD IS AND ALL IS WELL.

I may add more later. This is all that's coming to me now.

In Loving Memory - Part 1

2011-07-13T13:41:00.000-07:00

Today I found the words that I spoke at my Mom's funeral. It's quite long but I thank you for hearing my heart. Also remember, I was quite a bit younger and in emotional turmoil. Any quotes from my Mom are in italics. I will write a response to this later...

My mom put her whole life in God's hands. Much of what I will try to say today is from the journals she wrote in. Shortly before her surgery in April, she had written:

“How could I leave? How could my family make it without me? All I could do was hang onto my faith that night and over the next few days. God took me through the valley. His answer was simple, 'I love you and I love your family and no matter what the outcome, I will take care of all of you.'”

She continues to write:

“God will help John and the kids through and I have to trust Him to just that. My mom died when I was 29 in 1984 and I felt I was much too young. My kids are younger and I can't even think of what it would be like for them. My greatest fear is that they will turn away from God in anger.”

I truly believe the opposite has happened. My faith in God has become much stronger since her illness began in December of 1997. She was a light that shone to me and helped me get through the storms. After reading numerous journals, I know that it was God who helper her along and it is God who will continue to help me along as well.

The next thing I want to say came from a piece she wrote titled On Being a Mom. It is too long to read entirely so I chose some special lines.

“I love my children and it has always been important to me that they know it and feel it. I hugged and kissed my babies, they often fell asleep on my chest. I tried to tell them I loved them. I used words, actions, and connections. I tried to listen and really hear them. I tried to make each feel special, protected, encouraged and obedient. I tried to mold their behaviour so they would be likeable children. I tried to teach them clear moral standards and the meaning of loyalty and sharing. I encouraged them to be their own person. I taught them to work hard and do their best. To live with gusto and enthusiasm.”

After reading that, I realized that I want to be the mom to Joshua that she was to me. I feel that those are a set of guidelines that I need to follow and raise my own son by. I hope I do a good job. The last thing I want to quote is a prayer Mom wrote on August 4, 1998.

“Father in Heaven, I ask in the name of your Son Jesus, that through the power of the Holy Spirit, that I may be healed completely. Fully and totally healed and restored. I long to be whole and physically strong. Please hear my prayer O God.”

The first time I read that, I was angry with God. Why didn't He answer her desperate plea? Why couldn't he have done that for her? Then I began to realize that He did. Maybe not the way we would have wanted – to have her earthy heart healed – but I know her Heavenly heart is beating in perfect rhythm. She is running down the streets of gold praising the God she fully trusted. She is a witness to me and I have learned a lot from her and her personal testimony. I thank God for the special times I shared with her after Joshua was born and I will treasure those days forever. I would just like to add:

Mom, you taught me everything I know – how to cook, clean, and bake; how to be a good wife and mom. You were the best teacher in the world, and as my role model, I hope I continue to live the way you would have wanted me to. I will never forget the many talks we had and any time I have a cup of tea, I'll be thinking of you. You were my best friend in the whole world and I wasn't ready to say good-bye. We are both too young to lose each other and I still need you more than ever. On Tuesday morning, I promised I would take care of Joshua for you, and I know you'll be watching out for us. I love you Mom and will miss you always.

Time To Say Goodbye

2011-07-13T06:19:00.000-07:00

This is the song that was played at my mom's funeral. The only difference is that the recording we used didn't have Sara Brightman. I couldn't find a copy with just Andrea Bocelli.

&amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;gt;jjjj

The translated lyrics are:

When I'm alone I dream of the horizon and words fail me.
There is no light in a room where there is no sun
and there is no sun if you're not here with me, with me.
From every window unfurls my heart the heart that you have won.
Into me you've poured the light,
the light that you found by the side of the road.

Time to say goodbye.
Places that I've never seen or experienced with you.
Now I shall, I'll sail with you upon ships across the seas,
seas that exist no more,
it's time to say goodbye.

When you're far away I dream of the horizon and words fail me.
And of course I know that you're with me, with me.
You, my moon, you are with me.
My sun, you're here with me with me, with me, with me.

Time to say goodbye.
Places that I've never seen or experienced with you.
Now I shall, I'll sail with you upon ships across the seas,
seas that exist no more,

Both
I'll revive them with you.
I'll go with you upon ships across the seas,
seas that exist no more,
I'll revive them with you.
I'll go with you.

Deep Fried Apple Slices

2011-07-11T17:19:00.000-07:00

I found this most wonderful recipe on a website called How to: Simplify (my friend Evonne posted the link on FB) and I whipped up a batch of them this morning! DELICIOUS!

For the rings:

1 large egg white
1 cup water
1 tablespoon vanilla
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
6 large apples, peeled
Canola oil for frying
Cinnamon and sugar

For the icing:

4 tablespoons butter, melted
1/3 cup sugar
1 tablespoon cinnamon
2 tablespoons milk
1 - 1 1/2 cups powdered sugar

Directions:

Whisk egg white until foamy. Whisk in the water and vanilla. Next, whisk in the flour and salt.
Slice the apples into 1/2-inch thick slices. Using varying sized cutters, cut “rings” out of apple slices, discarding smallest circle containing core.
Heat oil to 375 degrees. Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
Dip apple rings into batter and then place into the oil. Allow the apples to fry in small batches and turn frequently. Remove from the oil when golden brown and place on a paper towel. Sprinkle with cinnamon and sugar.
Transfer rings to a wire rack and place the wire rack on a baking sheet. Place in the oven for 5-10 minutes or until the rings turn crispy.
Drizzle the icing over the rings and serve warm. (To make the icing, simply combine all of the ingredients and stir until combined).

A couple of notes:
* I could have done with halving the recipe. The batter did cover all 6 apples but we had LOTS!
* The icing recipe was more than enough, even for the full batch. I'd cut it in thirds or even quarter it.
* They are best fresh. Even after a few hours they got soft and weren't nearly as good.

8 Weeks

2011-07-10T06:48:00.000-07:00

I know it's still another 8 weeks (give or take) until school starts again but I stumbled upon a great website through Facebook (you know how those trails can lead you) and I'm really inspired by how this one mom organizes her day. She calls them Workboxes. You can see how they are done here. Of course one thing leads to another and I've found summer reading printables, great playdoh recipes, and a plethora of information! For the past few years, the kids have been in a hybrid school program where they've gone twice a week to school for most of their subjects while staying home on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for Math and Language Arts. This fall, I am going back to full time home education and I am excited to get started. I hope that the things I find and do will also excite my kids.

She missed me

2011-07-05T07:59:00.000-07:00

Arianna is growing up at a crazy rate. Inside and out. She longs to be bigger like her older siblings, wanting to do what they do. Last night, she was planning to spend the night at her friend's house (which she's done before a few times). I received a phone call at 10:00 saying that a little girl needed her mom. My heart did a little flip as heard that. At 7 years old, she is wanting to be so independent and at the same time, still needing to be close to home. When Doug brought her in, we snuggled on the bed for a bit and then I tucked her in under her own covers.

I'm glad she's still my little girl! Don't grow up too fast Sweetheart.

Nanaimo Bars

2011-07-05T05:34:00.000-07:00

These little delights are a treat that I've enjoyed since I was little. I can even recall asking my mom to make them instead of a birthday cake. For the past couple years, Arianna has asked me to do the same. After I posted pictures on Facebook, I had a couple requests for the recipe so here it is!

Nanaimo Bars

Base:

1/2 cup of butter

1 egg

1/3 cup of sugar

2 cups of graham wafer crumbs

5 tablespoons of cocoa

1/2 cup of coconut (I do less)

1 tsp of vanilla

Melt butter, sugar, cocoa, vanilla and egg in a double broiler pot. Remove from heat and add wafers and coconut. Press well into a greased 9x9 pan. Let cool.

Center:

1/4 cup of butter

2 tablespoons of custard powder

2 cups of icing sugar

3 tablespoons of milk

Cream butter and add custard and milk. Blend in the icing sugar, spread over base and let cool. See note at the bottom.

Topping:

4 squares of semi-sweet chocolate OR 1 cup chocolate chips

2 tablespoons of margarine or butter (Margarine will keep the chocolate softer while butter will make it hard)

Melt chocolate and butter/margarine and spread over center. Let cool, cut and eat!

Notes:

*To change the color of the center, add food coloring. Custard will make it very yellow so if you add red food coloring, you can get an orange/peach or even pink center, depending on how much you add. At Christmas, I add blue food coloring to get a green center. The coloring needs to be added during the first mixing of butter and custard so the color is even.

*If you wish to double the recipe, just use a 9x13 pan.

I just linked this recipe to SWEET AS SUGAR COOKIES! Lots of wonderful treats there to check out!!

Seasons

2011-06-30T20:49:00.000-07:00

We all go through different seasons... not the 4 physical ones that come every year, but rather seasons of friends, family members, hardships and joys. There's many more, but they are personalized, depending on the person. Last week, I took the kids to a barbeque picnic with their former school mates. (We had pulled them out of the part time program in February). This was to give the kids the chance to see their friends in a large group for {probably} the last time. It didn't take long for me to realize that even after four short months, the relationships had drastically changed. The older kids all found the one or two friends that they were really looking forward to seeing and I just ended up watching them for the time. I actually felt that we were intruding on the school's picnic and wasn't totally sure we were welcome. An odd feeling to be sure.
I felt that we were no longer part of the *community* of Stony Creek. It was sad for me in a few ways. One being, that unless I put the kids back in the program (which probably won't happen), that "family" feel is gone. I am so thankful for the amazing friendships I have built with some moms over the years and I hope and pray we continue to be friends. There are a few women who I have shared and opened so much of my heart with and I love them for it. I hope my children continue to phone the friends they've made and that those friends call them up as well. When we left the school, it wasn't my intent to drop all relationships but instead to keep close the ones we all had made.and build on them.
I am in a season of pouring much of my energies into my four amazing children. I am mothering them. Teaching them. Loving them. Advocating for them. Supporting and loving them with all my heart. This is what God wants me to do, where He wants me to be and this is the season I'm in.

Today...

2011-06-30T20:12:00.001-07:00

I'm kind of in a melancholy, sad mood this evening.

Sarah and I had a Play & Say group this morning. It was essentially an hour of watching and interacting with her as she played with all kinds of toys. It was an opportunity for the Speech Pathologist to observe her in a more comfortable and casual setting compared to the first assessment. The SP did notice that Sarah's talking overall was much better than when they first saw her in May. I did explain that I didn't feel the initial meeting gave Sarah a fair chance to show what she could say since the setting was new and strange and she has a real fear of medical facilities. Thankfully, today Sarah was really chatty and we were given some good tools on how to work with her. I worked really hard at not putting up the barrier walls that I so desperately wanted to build. Walls that would harden my heart and close my ears to hear what they had to say. I think I did okay.

I am certainly thankful for our healthcare system. The resources that I've used (speech and home visits) are free. I'm not having to pay out of pocket for them. I guess it still hurts me inside that I *need* to use them. I've heard all the well-wishers tell me that she'll do great, she'll benefit from it... all that good stuff. I love and cherish the encouragement and prayers coming from everyone but my heart is so very sad. The tears just seem to come so easily lately when I think of how far she has to come to *catch up*. It is really hard to see other kids her age and even younger who don't have the delays that Sarah does. To hear other two and three year old talk in 5-8 word sentences that are completely understandable is not only hard but it hurts me. I'm the only one in Sarah's world that understands most (if not all) of what she says. Doug and the kids can understand lots as well but we really have to watch for context when she speaks.

I borrowed a book from my friend Karen, called Prayer Saturated Kids and I fear how my kids can be prayer saturated if I'm not. If I don't model true faith in God and trust Him, how can they? Tonight I read the following:

"For various reasons, God sometimes doesn't answer our prayers in the way we've asked. Perhaps the request is not within His will. Other times we waver in our faith. Other times our prayers are not answered immediately because our request is not within God's timing. The bottom line is that no matter what happens, keep trusting God. He is faithful." Page 104, Prayer Saturated Kids

I know this to be true. I know because I was brought up to know and believe it. I guess when I was given this information and news, I felt let down. This plethora of testing and assessments didn't fit into MY schedule or plan for Sarah. When she was only 8 days old, we dedicated her to God. Knowing that she was His child but ours to care for while she lives on earth. That being said, I need to continue to work at accepting what He has laid out for her and her life. I may not always like it but I have to do my best to work through it. I'm far from that point. I have lots of emotions to work through. This just happens to be one of those tough days. There's a small part of me that just feels like I'm alone in this and that no one understands.

Thank you for reading this and encouraging me. I do my best to accept all the love and prayers that everyone gives me... I'll keep plugging through it and we'll be alright.

Eggs.

2011-06-30T08:25:00.000-07:00

As far as my earliest memory goes, I have never liked eggs. It is even written in my baby book by my mom that at 9 months old, I spat them out. Today, I gave them one last chance. There were more peppers than eggs in the mix which I thought would be ok. Now I think it was just a waste of really good peppers. I couldn't even swallow them. I thought I could be grown up about it and all but no-go. I love French toast, as long as it's cooked well. Other than that and in baking, there's no way I can eat them.

Happy Heart-Aversary

2011-06-24T08:24:00.000-07:00

Six years ago today, my uncle was gifted with a new heart. He was so very sick and was in desperate need of a miracle. Praise God, he was granted a heart transplant. I am so very thankful for his new lease on life and I know how much his family loves him.

Uncle Gerald, I love you so much. You are one of the greatest, craziest and loving people I know. Definitely one of my "favorites"! I hope you have a wonderful day celebrating your life with your family!! xoxoxox

In my happiness for them, I have sadness for me. My mom didn't get the miracle. She was eternally healed but it still hurts me inside. Today I will smile for my aunt, uncle and cousins and yet, shed a few tears at the same time. I won't go into all my feelings, today isn't about me or my Mom... I've posted endlessly about it... you can read about her (if you wish) in other posts.

Happy 3rd Birthday Sarah!

2011-06-21T19:53:00.000-07:00

36 things at 36 months

1. You joined our family on June 22, 2008.

2. I can't believe how much I love you more each day.

3. You are {finally} fully potty trained.

4. You aren't anywhere near sleeping through the night.

5. You have an incredible fear of medical facilities. No sooner do we get in, than your tears start to fall and you sob "I wan' go home."

6. You are by far my littlest baby. Not quite 25 pounds.

7. The majority of your diet consists of dry cereal, bananas, crackers, cookies, toast, and peanut butter. I try to add more veggies, fruits and meat but you'll have nothing to do with it. *sigh*

8. Your favorite movies are Bolt and Despicable Me.

9. Snuggling with daddy watching those movies is a nightly ritual for the two of you.

10. Your siblings are your favorite people. If they aren't around, you wander the house looking for them and call their names.
11. You love sleeping in bed with us.
12. Going in the van is always exciting for you... a new adventure every time!
13. Life would be perfect if you could spend your whole day "ou'thiiiide". Such a cute little lisp you have.
14. You love dolls. Dressing, undressing, feeding, walking, cuddling... you'll be a wonderful momma one day!
15. You were named after you were born. We hadn't picked one out beforehand. That was a first for us.
16. You are getting into things a lot more than you used to.
17. The words "quiet", "mellow" and "easy going" are the best way to describe your personality.
18. I heard "wuv you" for the first time a few days ago.
19. You love to color and write. I am amazed that you hold your pencil properly and can make the tiniest deliberate marks. You always exclaim "I did a "E" (or "A" or "I")
20. "Mine" is one of your favorite words as you clutch your prized possession (at that time) with such fervor.
21. You love to help me clean with the broom or vacuum.
22. Chocolate has a special place in your tummy!
23. In addition to your immediate family, Grandma is one of your favorite people.
24. Everything is proceeded by the words "I need a ________." (potty, bath, cookie, cup, bed... whatever)
25. You love the camera and are always flashing a "cheese" smile at me.
26. You are getting more and more adventuresome. Things most kids do at two, you are doing now... I am thankful for the extra year of not worrying all the time.
27. You still nurse a couple times a day. I love that I've gone this long and have provided you with the best nourishment and extra calories that your tiny body needs, especially at night. This is important to me since you eat so little during the day!
28. Coffee is one of your preferred beverages. I have to watch out if I leave my mug lying around!
29. Somehow you have managed to figure out my iPhone. The other day, you actually called the house with it.
30. You love Curious George. I was so excited to go to The Party Place and buy all the goodies for your party!
31. You love the park. The swings are your favorite and the slides are a close second. I feel like I still have to really watch you closely though... your balance isn't all that great yet.
32. You are delighted when you get to go out with me alone and leave the big kids at home!
33. You love to dress yourself. Layers is important to you. I've found you with pants, a dress, a tee shirt and hoodie on all at the same time.
34. You love footwear. Boots, shoes, sandals or slippers, it doesn't matter. Also doesn't matter who they belong to.
35. You have the ability to capture the heart of anyone around you.
36. Sweet Sarah, I love you. You bring joy and happiness to my days. You will always by my "little one" and I am so blessed to have you in my life. I hope your birthday is full of fun, delights and surprises for you. Have a wonderful birthday sweet girl of mine!

Thanks Kelly for the blog-lift! :)

For a Few Moments

2011-06-20T20:40:00.000-07:00

The girls were out biking, Joshua was at a friend's, Sarah was in bed and Doug had run out for something.... and for just a few moments, the house was quiet. Very quiet. I love the hustle and bustle that my family provides for this home during the day but I also take joy in the precious minutes of quiet. The house was still and I enjoyed the peace. And then everyone came home.

The River by brian doerksen

2011-06-18T20:09:00.000-07:00

I heard this song in the van this evening. Funny how certain songs play at just the right time.

Two. More. Nights.

2011-06-17T09:49:00.000-07:00

Doug left for a work related trip last week Thursday night (1:00 Friday morning actually). Prior to that, he was at Elder's meetings for Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday evenings. So essentially, he hasn't been home since Monday, the 6th. I am thankful for Face Time, emails, Skype and text messages. Unfortunately, there's no touch with the technology we have. I can't feel him hold me. It just isn't the same. So much has gone on since he's been gone.

- Andrea had an injured knee from a playground accident
- She then twisted/sprained her ankle two days later at my dad's
- Sarah fell off her bar-height chair... on her poor little head
- I received Sarah's assessment and had to deal with it on my own
- Sarah had an audiology test. Did that on my own too.
- two garbage days on my own
- grocery shopping
- lawn mowing the grass
- continuous bedtime routines
- chains have fallen off bikes
- kids are being transported to and from events
- endless loads of laundry
- meals, meals, meals

I can make it through the next couple days. I think.

Follow Up

2011-06-14T14:56:00.000-07:00

Our case worker, Wendy came over this morning to give us a more detailed report on Sarah's developmental screening. It is nice to have it all in writing which is much better for my slightly muddled brain. I like to *see* things on paper and be able to visualize it. So here's the low down:

- Fine Motor (possible delay with skill level of 27-29 months)
- Language: Both Receptive & Expressive (probable delay with skill level 27-28 months)
- Gross Motor (probable delay with skill level 25 months)
- Auditory Attention & Memory (probable delay with skill level of 24 months)
- Visual Attention & Memory (probable delay with skill level of 18 months)
- Self Help (average with skill level of 31-32 months)
- Social (average with skill level of 39-40 months)

So what does this all mean? It essentially means that Sarah has delays in most areas of development except for the last two. We will register her for the Early Intervention Program at the local Health Unit. This will include a "Play & Say" group which is a small group (2-4 kids) who will essentially play with the parents and two speech pathologists. The pathologists will teach the parents how to *teach* the kids through play. To take something as simple as playing but turn it into a learning opportunity.

Wendy will also come to our house in a couple weeks and give me some tips and strategies on how to encourage the Auditory and Visual Memory since those are the two that are most confusing to me.

Because I homeschool the kids, we declined further, more invasive testing and will not enroll her in a preschool. I don't need Sarah to match up to other kindergarteners in 2 years... I can (and will) simply create a curriculum special to her needs when that time comes. For now, I am looking at specific tools and ideas on how to encourage further development through her toys, surroundings and the people who are around her the most. Wendy said I was actually one of the very few parents who are as eager to help their child. Many parents want the system to fix their child and they simply can't do that. Sarah doesn't need fixing... she's not broken. She needs help and support filled with loving parents, siblings, family and friends.

That is the nuts and bolts of it all... the mechanical side of things. And now for my heart....

I am coping. It is really hard to hear that in so many areas, she is much younger than her actual age. In many areas, I see her at the same level as my niece who was 2 in March. As Sarah approaches 3 years old, she now has the mannerisms of a two year old. Starting to assert her opinion, saying "no"... that kind of thing. She was the easiest two year old in the world. Compliant, easy going, cheerful and pleasant. No "terrible twos" for us. Now that the evaluations are done, we move on to the next step of working with her.

Nothing really will change other than how we talk to her when we play. To take the play to a level where she is learning new words, encouraged to talk and grow in different areas.

I'm still feeling angry and raw at times. I simply don't want to be doing this. It's kind of like a grieving process and given time, I will be ready to handle what's been placed in in my lap.

I don't even know how to pray about this. It's not something that can or will get better overnight or with a dose of medicine. She won't be *healed*. So how am I supposed to talk to Him about this? I feel alone. Isolated. In a world on my own. It makes me sad today.

Confirmed what we already knew...

2011-06-13T19:50:00.000-07:00

After a very quick, 15 minute audiology test, it was determined that there is NOTHING WRONG with Sarah's hearing in the speech spectrum measuring from 0-5000 hertz. Now that doesn't mean we have other issues to deal with, it just means it's one less to be concerned about. I will be thankful for this little glimpse of positive when I feel so much negative.

Retreat

2011-06-08T15:15:00.000-07:00

The past two weeks have been crazy busy with appointments and such with Sarah. With the busyness came a needy and clingy toddler. Asking to be up, to "see" what I was doing and just wanting to be with me. She was constantly pulling on my leg and it seemed she was always underfoot. I have even tripped over her a few times. I (guiltily) would stall off picking her up since there were dishes to clean, meals to make, a house to tidy, laundry to fold.... the list is miles long. This afternoon as I was blogging in my room, I saw a tiny fuzzy head peek around the corner and a big grin shone behind the soother that was in Sarah's mouth. Normally, she doesn't have them during the day but one must have been hiding in her toy basket or she's intentionally stashing them. I lifted her up onto the big king sized bed that I was on and there we hung out for two hours.

Just me and her. We dressed (and undressed) some dolls, played with geometric shapes and watched cartoons. Good therapy for both of us. Even now, I am typing one handed as she's snuggled up against my chest and my arm is around her. I like being needed.

Thoughts for Today

2011-06-08T15:05:00.000-07:00

Not exactly a joyful day for me. Feeling a little down and discouraged. While at a little 45 minute program at church this morning, we wished a little girl a happy 3rd birthday. I couldn't help but notice how *three* this little one looked and how much younger Sarah looks. No one ever guesses that she's almost three years old... in fact, most people have a look of surprise when I tell them her age. The comment that follows is usually "wow, she's small". Yup. I know. Not many 3 year olds are tipping the scale at a mere 24.5 pounds. Since Sarah's official diagnosis from the evaluation, I've been more keenly aware of some of Sarah's behaviors and it makes me a little sad.

~ She wanders... at times aimlessly. To me, that means she needs to be watched very carefully. She has no real concept of boundaries or danger. While at the park, she has to have someone watch her because she will just walk off an edge or step backwards and fall. She doesn't have a sense of spacial awareness.

~ She gazes at her surroundings. I understand that it is a normal behavior for infants but not for three year olds. Except mine.

~ She's not really steady on her feet. Someone at the park casually mentioned that she appears dizzy. She doesn't know any of Sarah's history but she pretty much got it right. Hearing that from an innocent bystander was really tough.

~ Another time someone asked, if in addition to her being small, she was behind in other areas of development. The temptation to tell her that everything else was fine, was overwhelming. But I admitted to it. Yes. She is behind in most areas including her physical size.

I'm trying to find the blessing in this small phase of ~~her~~ our lives. I don't know what to do... I'm so overwhelmed right now. Tomorrow we are attending a "Play and Say group. We'll see what that is like...

Wordless Wednesday

2011-06-08T07:54:00.000-07:00

One Little Heartbeat at a Time

2011-06-04T07:21:00.000-07:00

I know many of many (most) of my readers will have seen this on my Facebook page and I apologize for the double post. A friend had posted this earlier and I love how it spoke to me. I feel like I've been run ragged off my feet as of late and to be reminded that I AM making a difference was really good for me.
Have a wonderful day!

300th Post

2011-06-03T12:44:00.000-07:00

Not a whole lot of pomp and circumstance with it though. Blogging has been an outlet of joy, anger, frustration, fear and love for me. I share with my readers some of my deepest feelings. It exposes me and forces me to be 100% honest.
Thanks to all of you who read this blog and *hugs* to my faithful followers! Thanks for laughing and crying with me in my writing.

Romans 5:2b-4

And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but wealso glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

40 Weeks

2011-06-03T08:17:00.000-07:00

Let me begin by saying that I love books and I love to read. I have bookshelves filled 2-3 layers deep of books. I have no real interest in a Kindle because I love holding a book. For a couple years now, I've been following the blog of Paige Beselt. When she began writing this story, I was excited to catch the little sneak peeks that she inserted in her blog and I knew I'd want to read the whole book when it came out. I was quite thrilled when her sister had brought a copy to church one night and I couldn't wait to get started.

This book is written like a journal of a young mom's experience and pain through miscarriage and then the joy of another pregnancy. *Anna* is so open and transparent with her emotions and feelings that I couldn't help but imagine it was me she was talking about. Her journal entries and writings are so honest and she opens herself in ways that the reader can't help but laugh and cry with her.

This story parallels my own experiences of losing babies to miscarriage and then the joy and even fear of a new pregnancy.

If you or someone you know has gone through the pain of miscarriage and the joy of pregnancy, I would definitely recommend this book to read.

Poor girl of mine

2011-06-02T18:56:00.000-07:00

Sarah has come down with a bug of some sort. Poor thing is so stuffed up, congested and coughing. It sounds croup-like to me and I know there's not much to do about it. Today was the first time in a few days that she actually ate. Her voice is so pitiful and weak... it's almost sweet, but not really. Amazingly though, she has done so well on the potty despite not feeling well. I'm so proud of her! Everytime she goes, she asks me "Mom happy?" Yes Honey, Mom is happy.

Hoping she's on the finishing end of this cold and on the road to health again.

Today it is about me

2011-06-01T09:37:00.000-07:00

Last night as I was getting the house tidied up before nighttime, I found myself increasingly frustrated with the mess, spilled cups, clutter, toys... the works. It wasn't until I headed to bed that I hadn't set time aside in the day for ME. Usually that "me" time is on the treadmill which is perfectly ok and even enjoyed. I'm doing something that doesn't involved the kids and is improving all areas of my heath (physical, emotional, mental).

This morning I woke up with the promise to myself that I would get a workout done. I pushed myself an extra 10 minutes on the treadmill which I upped from 30 minutes to 40 and I have a goal of doing a consecutive 60 minutes eventually. After a quick shower, I feel much better about myself and am much prepared to tackle what lies ahead of me today.

I need to make sure I set that time aside for me each and every day!

All because...

2011-05-30T21:39:00.000-07:00

I agreed to a speech assessment. That lead to a full blown developmental assessment and three weeks later, here we are...

I saw Sarah's doctor this afternoon to see what his thoughts were regarding the assessment and such. He hadn't received the report yet but agreed that we should continue with the remaining tests just to rule out everything. Once we've received all the testing results, he will refer us to a pediatrician who specializes in neurological development. I think I actually felt my heart drop at that. I mean sure, I want the best for her and I want to do everything I can to help her catch up but I just didn't want to hear a term like neurological. That seems big and scary to me.

My older kids are feeling the stress of me being gone so frequently lately. Thankfully my {amazing} mother in law will hang out with them on Friday so I won't feel as guilty for leaving them on their own. In the same breath though, I am so grateful that they are old enough to spend an hour or two at home by themselves and I have the assurance they can hold down the fort for me.

I find myself asking "where is this journey taking me? What is the purpose of all this stress on me and my family?" Unfortunately, I haven't received an answer yet...

No one...

2011-05-28T18:36:00.000-07:00

*sigh*
Do you ever feel like there's just no one to talk to?
No one who you can share your feelings with?
I'm kind of in that place right now. I have things on my mind but {other than Doug and my sister}I have no real soul mate. No one person who I can open my heart to.
Sort of a lonely evening tonight.

Dental Woes

2011-05-24T10:45:00.000-07:00

I don't like the dentist. Period.
I think my fear stems from YEARS of problems and cavities. Fillings, needles, scraping and scratching at every appointment. I recall hearing something about my weak enamel.
Up until last summer, it had been many years since I had gone. As a result, I had quite a few issues with my teeth. After the initial x-rays and cleaning, I had one quadrant (top left) done which included a root canal, fillings and an extraction. Oh. Joy. I finally mustered up the courage to go again. After paying them $120 just to LOOK in my mouth and take an x-ray, I got a quote (uninsured) to get two measly teeth fixed. Both are root canals and one may end up being an extraction. Now my fear isn't simply of the dentist but how on EARTH I am going to afford it. Thankfully Doug's insurance will cover us in three months... here's hoping I can wait that long.

It's the little things

2011-05-22T21:30:00.003-07:00

... Sarah telling the workers in Sunday School that she had to use the potty! What a huge step in this adventure!
... waking up to a clean kitchen and coffee is brewed
... reading a good book
... listening to my 7 year old talk to me in her sleep and having no idea what she's saying
... hearing an especially meaningful sermon at church
... receiving encouragement from friends
... being greeted by my sleepy son first thing in the morning
... I'm the best because I quickly sewed up a little pouch for a new Nintendo for someone who didn't have any money to buy a case for it
... no matter how many times I fall, my Heavenly Father is always going to be there to pick me up

How I Came to be a Homeschooling Mom Part II

2011-05-22T18:48:00.000-07:00

Last December, a few concerns arose from the school so Doug and I began talking and praying about what we were to do with the kids' education. Of course, full time school wasn't an option for us so that left full time homeschooling as our only choice. We looked at the pros and cons, the alternative options, made sure we had all the information necessary for a good decision... everything. We thought that rather than wait out the year, not knowing what other struggles may occur, we would pull them out. Our actions surprised everyone, especially their teachers. The teachers who have been an intricate part of their lives since they were in grade two and three. The teachers who have seen them grow from little 7 & 8 year olds into mature, grown up 10 & 11 year olds. Arianna was part of this program as well, although she was homeschooled for kindergarten. I couldn't see myself bringing her to one school while the other kids attended another. Plus, she was (and is) such a little homebody, that I knew another year at home would be good for her. She did ok at Stony Creek but I'm not sure it was bringing the best out of her.
On February 8, Doug and I picked the kids and all their belongings from school and took them home. We took a couple weeks off to de-program them from the structure and routines that come from a school setting.
The past few months have consisted of basic math and language arts studies with a splash of a Pioneer Unit and some Government thrown into the mix. We've done volunteer work at the church on Tuesday mornings, we've visited the Telus World of Science, taken a trip to Calgary, helped Grandma with her yard work and done some babysitting. Our homeschooling consists of life learning. We ask ourselves: "what will the kids need to know in order to manage a home on their own.
I love that our facilitator is in agreement with how we're running this show. I like that he's on board with how we've decided to *school* the kids. Now that the school year is almost over, I can look back and think that it has been a really good year!

How I became a Homeschooling Mom... Part I

2011-05-22T12:48:00.000-07:00

This is my story...
When it was time for Joshua to enter kindergarten, I waffled between school and keeping him at home. I had opinions and advice come from both sides and I was really not sure what to do. In the end, I enrolled him in kindergarten at the school (in our area) that consists of a Maranatha program. I knew there would be some Christian teaching and I felt ok with that decision. It's not that I ever second guessed my choice but I often wondered if it was the right thing to do or if I should have done something different. About halfway into his year, Doug and I were finding that Joshua was getting into *trouble* at school. When we looked into it further, his misbehaviour was due to him being bored. You see, Joshua went into kindergarten knowing how to spell, print, read and do math. So while his teacher was teaching the kids to print a certain letter, Joshua simply didn't need to do it. Consequently, he was looking for other things to keep his mind occupied, resulting in a frustrated teacher and many time outs. It was in March that I knew I wouldn't put him in school again for grade one. So, while I homeschooled Joshua for his grade one year, Andrea attended the same kindergarten as him. Although some of her struggles were different, we again decided not to send her back to school for the following year. In September of 2006, I was a full time homeschooling mom. One kiddo in grade two and another in grade one. Add to the mix, a curious two year old sister who wanted to be involved in everything as well.
The next spring, a neighbor lady followed my kids home when they were out biking. I mean it's not typical that school aged kids are running around in the middle of the day. It turns out that her kids were homeschooled as well, and were attending a hybrid program called Stony Creek. The kids go to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays and do all core subjects except math and language arts. We prayed about it and decided that we'd give it a try. As it turns out, it was a wonderful transition for us and the kids. It gave me a couple days a week with just Arianna and yet, I still got to have the kids at home for most of the week. We stayed with Stony Creek for another 2.5 years.

To be continued...

Happy Birthday Joshua

2011-05-21T17:42:00.000-07:00

On May 7, 1999, our family grew to include our first born son. Joshua Michael was born around 3:30 in the afternoon and had continued to bless our lives on a daily basis. I had insisted that he was called Joshua and most people call him that. His friends and those who met him when he was older, tend to shorten his name to Josh. I tolerate it but don't like it. He will always be my Joshua.

Twelve years. Twelve Highlights.

1. You are my morning person. Most mornings are greeted by you first.
2. You have a few really good friends. You hold them close to your heart and spend a lot of time with them.
3. You tolerate school. I don't know many 12 year old boys who really love school though.
4. Despite you wanting a brother, you have three sisters.
5. I see you growing and changing into a young man every day.
6. Although you like to think you are really tough, inside I know you are a softie, just like your dad. Your future wife will love that about you.
7. You are my most easy going child.
8. You love (I mean LOVE) Lego.
9. You look forward to each spring when dad can take you out on the motorcycle again.
10. You love riding your bike. It is the worst thing to take away from you as a disciplinary measure.
11. You enjoy working in the kitchen with me and I enjoy it too.
12. I love you more today than ever and that love for you will continue to grow!

Happy 7th Birthday Arianna

2011-05-21T17:29:00.000-07:00

Wow! I can't believe I said good bye to my 6 year old last night, to be greeted this morning by my brand new 7 year old! Arianna, you are a delightful addition to our family. You bring a sparkle and shine like no one else can.

You entered this world on the afternoon of May 4, 2004. You weighed 7 pounds, and 7 ounces and were my smallest baby born.

Today, you are colorful and vibrant. You are creative, spunky and full of adventure.
When you sleep, you lay flat on your back, similar to the picture above.
You are a pro on your bicycle.
You occasionally have bad dreams at night.
You can be a drama queen like no body's business.
You are sweet, gentle hearted and kind.
I know when you are tired because you get grumpy.
You are thriving in our home school environment and are a delight to teach.
I love you so much and look forward to what you'll do this coming year!

Your party was a pajama/ice cream party. It was so fun to have your four good friends just playing around in their jammies!

Hard Earned

2011-05-20T18:13:00.000-07:00

Arianna was saving her birthday money for a Nintendo DSI XL . She had a good portion of what she needed so I told her I'd *loan* her the remainder of the cost. We headed out to Superstore this morning and I have a very happy little lady. I'm proud of her for saving the money she was given and I have a very happy daughter.

Processing...

2011-05-16T12:58:00.000-07:00

The plethora of information that we received this morning. I so desperately wanted Sarah to preform {well} for Wendy this morning. I will admit to being agitated, stressed and worried about it. I couldn't sit still. I tried to be relaxed and open to everything but it just didn't play out that way. There are quite a few issues where Sarah's development is concerned. In most areas, she is at the age of a 24-25 month old. In one area (visual recognition) she's at the level of an 18 month old and only in her social skills is she at the correct age. So in all areas of development, she is significantly delayed.

Oh. My. What a lot to process.

The case worker was really nice and is there to work with us. We can have as much or as little help from her as we'd like. There are more tests now that we've been recommended we do. Sarah needs her hearing checked out (because of her balance), her vision looked at because she scored so low on her visual skills test, her gait and walk/stance isn't quite right so we have to get an appointment with her doctor as well. Not really how I wanted to begin my summer.

My readers appreciate my honesty? Here goes.

This sucks for me. It took everything in me not to walk out of the living room, hid out in my bedroom and cry while Wendy finished up. I had moments where I wanted to tell her to stop. If it was stressing me out, wouldn't it be stressing Sarah as well? I think I had actually prepared myself for speech delays but nothing would or could have prepared me for the shock of how far behind she is in so many other areas. Would I ever have been ready to hear it? Maybe a small part of me already knew and I was in denial. Resisting the truth. I don't want her labeled as "delayed", "behind" or "needing intervention".

So where did I go wrong? What did I not do with her, that I did with the older kids when they were little? Have I unknowingly prevented her from her full potential? Did I want her to be my {baby} that badly? I can't imagine that I would have intentionally held her back from developing. For some skills to be at a corrected age of 18 months is nearly 1.5 years behind! How can that simply be "where she's at"? Heartbreaking for me.

I know I am my daughter's advocate. I know that I need to do whatever I feel is needed and necessary for her. I also know that the initial shock of this news will lessen as time goes. If you were to ask me today though, "are you okay?" I would honestly say no. I'm not in denial but I am grieving in a way. This shocking news and realization hurts something awful.

I'll give myself some time to process it all and work through my emotions. I'll survive this hurdle in life as well.

"Don't let your hearts be troubled.

Trust in God, and trust also in me."

John 14:1 (NLT)

Weekend Tid-bits

2011-05-14T20:42:00.000-07:00

* Sarah has her assessment on Monday. I'm not really looking forward to it. I actually need great wisdom and strength to release my heart of anger, resentment and frustration. I am trying very hard to remember the Bible verse I've claimed:

"Don't let your hearts be troubled.

Trust in God, and trust also in me."

John 14:1 (NLT)

* We attended a funeral today. It was the first one that the kids have come to. My poor tender hearted boy shed so many sad tears. Our pastor's wife thanked him for crying because it almost give *permission* for the grown ups to cry.
* The funeral experience has promoted and made for many questions and discussions about death, Heaven and all sorts of other thoughts surrounding that topic.
* Doug is going through a job change... big transition for all of us. I'm trying not to worry about how it all will play out but the pessimist in me isn't doing too well with that.
* Sarah is 80% potty trained. She has had just a few accidents and for the most part seems to have figured it out. It is nice to only have to buy one package of diapers that will last us a month.
* We celebrated Arianna's 7th birthday with her friends last night. So cute to see all these little girlies in their jammies eating ice cream and watching a movie! I love birthdays!!
* I really like going to church on Saturday nights... makes for such relaxing Sundays.
* Sometimes being the Chairman's wife is tough. He's always talking to someone about anything. Once in a while, I feel very alone when we're at church and that I should have just stayed home.
* Andrea is almost done a year of voice lessons and she's become quite the singer. I love listening to her sing and create songs of her own.
* It is 9:30 at night and I am already planning what workout I will do when I wake up and looking forward to a hot cup of coffee when I'm done. Nice and strong with a good dollop of White Chocolate Mocha creamer in it. Mmmmm! How silly is that?
* Now that my May birthdays are done, I get to start planning Sarah's June birthday! How can my baby be approaching three? I'm on the hunt for fun and exciting party ideas for her.

Lifestyle Change

2011-05-12T12:36:00.000-07:00

I hesitate to use the word *diet* because I don't need my daughters thinking they need to diet. I also don't want them thinking I don't like how I look. I am just wanting to improve our eating habits and therefore making my family a healthier bunch. If I lose a few pounds while I'm at it, all the better for me. For about 4-5 weeks now, I've cut out all meats except chicken and some fish. I've increased my vegetable intake by huge amounts and certainly feel healthier because of it. On of my favorites is a Greek salad... kind of modified.

10 grape or cherry tomatoes
1/4 to 1/2 a cucumber
1 tablespoon olive oil
sprinkle of feta cheese (I use parmesan if I don't have feta)
1 tablespoon (give or take) Greek salad dressing powder

Stir in all ingredients and gently toss. Let it sit. The longer it marinades, the better it gets.

A more traditional recipe would have olives and onion, neither of which I like.

I've also gotten really creative with different salads and stir fries. The changes in how I eat have been great for how I feel about myself and I know I'm healthier because of it.

Speech Assessment

2011-05-09T12:27:00.000-07:00

Assessment. Delayed. Early intervention. Auditory testing. Group sessions.

All these labeling words continue to echo in my head.

These are the words that came out of today's first assessment for Sarah's speech. A lot of information to process and a lot of different feelings that are going on inside of me. The older kids were always ahead of their peers in all areas of development. Whether it was walking, talking, writing... whatever. To have come to the realization that Sarah is not at the level she should be, is quite a difficult thing to accept. At {almost} three years old, she has the language development of a two year old. So in addition to taking this first assessment step, we consented to an in-home consultation from the Early Intervention Specialist as well as auditory testing at the hospital. I really don't think the auditory test is necessary as both Doug and I are pretty confident that her hearing is fine. But, like everything else, we'll get it done anyhow.

So that was the formal part of the morning. I've had a few hours to chew on the information given to me and I'm sure I'll continue to process what I've learned. It is very difficult for me to accept the fact that Sarah needs help or intervention... call it what you want, it's all the same to me. She is my baby and part of me just wants to leave her alone and develop at her own speed. Since she was 6 weeks old, she has been poked, prodded, inspected, has had blood drawn, received all types of testing, scans... the works. To this day, she is fearful of doctors and medical facilities. It was interesting that she was happily walking into the building and as we approached the Health Unit, she immediately asked to be picked up. That makes me sad for her. I don't think it's right for a 2.5 year old to be fearful of the medical community. My mama-heart wants to hold and protect her from everything like that. I know that this speech stuff isn't invasive to her but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I think I've resisted getting the assessment done because I didn't want to admit that there was a problem. Does that make sense?

She isn't a typical looking *almost* three year old. She has a little bit of fuzzy blonde hair that is finally coming in at the back. She is short and tiny... on the scale today, she was a whopping 24 pounds, 8 ounces. Because of her size and {lack of} hair, people are always surprised when I tell them she's almost 3! The next question is always "Was she a preemie?" Nope. Full term, and actually 9 days late. Now add in her lack of speech and she appears much less than her age. I need to trust God's plan for her. Trust that she is developing and growing just the way HE intended. I will do everything I can to provide the tools to help Sarah improve her speech.

"Don't let your hearts be troubled.

Trust in God, and trust also in me."

John 14:1 (NLT)

Happy Mother's Day to my Mom

2011-05-08T06:50:00.000-07:00

On her wedding Day

The last family picture of us

And my favorite picture of her. I'm so glad my dad requested a solo picture was taken of her.

~Shirley Van Neck~

I could rewrite this blog post but the feelings and words would be very much the same as they were two years ago. So I will re-post the same post and then add bits and pieces how I feel they need to be changed. The original post will be italicized and the new parts will be in regular font.

Had I known 12 years ago that it would have been the last Mother's Day I spent with my mom, I know I'd have done things different. Knowing that in 9 weeks, she would be physically gone from me. It's been so long and I find myself forgetting more and more what she was like, what she did, how she sounded, even the scent of her perfume.

I try hard to keep her memory alive:

A beautiful picture of her shines on the wall of my hallway
My babies have all worn a simple green velour sleeper that she bought for Joshua.
I consider yellow roses to be my favorite because they were HER favorite.
My oldest daughter is her namesake.
I drink my tea the way she did, sweet and milky.
I usually make sure my babies are dresses before we go out. She didn't think babies should go out in their pajamas.
I cook like her, using many of the same ingredients that she did.
When my kids ask why I do things a certain way, I tell them because that's how my mom did it.

I know that no one is perfect but my mom was. Maybe I just picture her "perfect" because my memory won't allow anything negative to be thought of her but that's alright. She didn't yell at us kids, the house was always clean because I don't remember what it was like when she had four kids all under 9 years old, supper was always on the table when my dad got home, life was organized, she was always in control. I put her on a very high pedestal. I looked up to her and when she was gone, I didn't know how I would go on. Here I was, 7 week old baby in arms and no mom to tell me what to do for diaper rash, colic, or sleepless nights. There were (and still are) things I wish I asked her about and wonder what she'd think of me now. I hope she'd tell me that I'm doing a great job of being a mom. That if the laundry isn't done right away, that's alright. That if the house is a mess when my husband comes home, that's ok too. That burnt potatoes will be fine with some gravy on top. I'd like to think she's super proud of me. That she would look at my four beautiful children and say how pleased she was of them.

On Mother's Day, I try not to get too self absorbed in missing my mom. I have four kids who adore me and want to serve me and make me as happy as possible. I will receive a bouquet of yellow flowers (ok, dandilions), handmade cards, breakfast in bed and coffee. I will delight in their faces as they gift me with treasures they have found or made in school. During "Mother's Day" I will do my best to be cheerful and happy for my excited kids who want to bless me.

May you all have a Happy Mother's Day!

My kids

2011-05-05T15:56:00.000-07:00

I have to do a bit of a brag on them.
Brag #1:
This afternoon, I was hit with flu like symptoms. Nauseated, chills, aches, pains, lightheaded... that kind of thing. My daughter tells me to just go upstairs to bed. So I did. I left my potty training two year old in her hands and went to sleep for two hours. When I came down, the house was a little untidy but still standing. Sarah was sitting on the potty and they were all watching Netflix on my laptop. Good kids!

Brag #2:
Our next door neighbors have a newly set up trampoline. I guess the rule is no friends on it... just the two kids who live there. Ok fine. My daughters get their imaginations in gear and come up with a house and restaurants on the deck and backyard. Here's some pictures of what they did:

The house

And "omlette" with "strawberries"

Some of the "food"

The restaurant portion

Arianna pretending to enjoy the omelette.

Andrea presenting her creativity!

Christ the Lord is Risen Today-Steve Green

2011-04-24T06:35:00.000-07:00

I know the older hymns aren't everyone's style but I love listening to this one! Brings back many memories of living at home.

 hh-

Home again

2011-04-20T17:59:00.000-07:00

It's been a couple weeks since I last posted about our arriving at the in laws for a mini *stay*cation. It was a nice two weeks to get away from the rush of the city and constant doorbell and phone ringing of friends trying to play with my kids.

What I will miss:

being far from city things such as lights, sirens, traffic, and rushing around
the peaceful mornings in front of the fire place with my coffee and thoughts
never worrying or wondering about the kids when they are outside
the quiet... all the time

What I am glad to return to:

my washing machine and dryer
my bed
high speed internet
a pot of ground coffee (we only used Keurig cups while away)
having Sarah in her own room
the convenience of getting groceries quickly
routine (it went out the window while away)

Time away is always good and I think it makes us appreciate our own space. I love my house and the home it provides for us.

Morning Person

2011-04-10T05:48:00.000-07:00

I am one of them. Always have been, always will be. Today Sarah woke me, wanting to nurse a bit. Easy for her and she goes back to sleep. Me, I start the wheels in my head rolling. Thinking about my girls having a sleepover down the road. About Joshua who is fighting a cold and wondering if he needs his inhalers. About Doug who came in really late after an evening filled with conversation with a good friend. About how super quiet and peaceful it is on the acreage. I thought about what I have to make before heading to my sister's this afternoon.
Sure enough, after about 20 minutes of *thinking*, I knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. I rolled Sarah over because she WAS sleeping again and just got up. I had a moment of wishing I could fall asleep again but knew it would be pointless to just lay in bed.
I genuinely like being a morning person. I enjoy the time alone. With homeschooling three of the four kids, I find there isn't a lot of *me* time and so I take these quiet morning moments for me. I enjoy my coffee, catch up with my Facebook friends, check the weather, read some comics and welcome the day on my own. Slowly, my sweet littles join me. Usually Arianna or Joshua is first. Then Arianna or Joshua is next. Doug usually bring Sarah down to me next. Once we're up and moving around, Andrea gets woken up. (Note: she is NOT a morning person) The day is then running. I love the busyness that my family has and I am equally thankful that something (or someone) wakes me up early enough to simply enjoy the quiet of the house.

Acreage Retreat

2011-04-07T15:14:00.000-07:00

We are house sitting for Doug's parents for a few days (a couple weeks actually). Rather than just pop in every few days, we were invited to move in. The kids were delighted with this idea and we jumped at the chance. We had hardly brought our stuff into the house, and they had pulled on the rubber boots and made a mad dash for the snow, puddles and MUD! I can hardly wait to see what they look like when they come in. Once we were a bit settled, with a coffee in hand, I began to feel like I was on a retreat. It is quiet, serene and peaceful up here. I think it will be a nice time away for all of us. I feel so amazingly blessed to be part of this family.

A Good Day

2011-04-03T16:28:00.000-07:00

You may or may not know that Sundays are my favorite day of the week. You can read about it in this POST. Today we all got up when we wanted to and then I had it in my head that we'd visit the Muttart Conservatory in Edmonton. We only had to pay for the kids since we had a Groupon to use up. It was fun to just mosey around and check out all the new greenery since our winter has been SO long now. After that we grabbed a bite to eat and headed home. I put Sarah down for a nap and figured I'd grab the chance to have a sleep as well. It's been months since I had a daytime sleep. After I got up, Doug started on supper... it seems he makes most suppers on Sunday and I kind of enjoy the night off that way. The steaks had been marinating for over 24 hours and so they were ready for the barbeque. Add to that some mashed potatos, sugar snap peas and cucumbers and we've got a scrumptious meal. Tonight we'll end our weekend watching a family movie or playing a game! Photos from the conservatory to come later.

Because He Lives

2011-03-31T06:58:00.000-07:00

I have attended the same church since I was about two years old. I was baptized as teenager there, was married in it, and have brought all four of my newborn babies there. The music style has changed over the years for sure. From traditional classic hymns to a more upbeat worship style. Call me old fashioned, but I still love the beauty of the older style of music and sometimes wish it could be brought back.
Many years ago, I befriended an elderly gentleman and his wife. I can remember going to his house every few months with my flute and playing hymns for him while his wife accompanied my on piano. He'd sing along with such a big heart that at times, it was hard to concentrate on playing. This was one of our favorite songs to play. Thinking about it and hearing now, brings tears to my eyes as I'm filled with emotion of how much He loves me. I still love the message this song delivers. The man has long since gone to live with Jesus in our eternal Home and I think it will be a wonderful reunion when the two of us can worship together again.

Sundays

2011-03-27T09:14:00.000-07:00

Our church has three services... one on Saturday night and two on Sunday. We've been attending the evening service for quite some time now and I've found that Sunday has become my absolute favorite day of the week. Often getting six people dressed and out the door by 9:00 in the morning was very stressful, leaving Doug and I frustrated with the kids {and sometimes each other}, the kids upset with us for rushing and leaving no one's heart ready to be at church. Saturday night services allow us to get ready during the afternoon, eat an early supper and finally get into the van, usually at a more relaxed pace.
Sundays are now spent with a few cups of coffee in our jammies, reading the news, catching up on each others thoughts, sharing vacation ideas with the kids, enjoying brunch and really connecting as a family. After our morning catch up, everyone sort of does their own thing and we seldom have anything planned. Maybe we'll go for a country drive, maybe we'll go sledding at Grandma & Grandpa's, maybe we'll stay home and watch movies or play games. It is truly a day of rest.

Enjoy your day!