Mother's Day 2014

It was Sunday, May 9, 1999. My very first Mother's Day as a mom with my two day old son and the last one I would ever spend with my mom. Just two months and two weeks later, I said good bye as she walked in the waiting arms of Jesus after her heart simply gave up the fight to go on.

This particular Sunday of each year fills me with so many ups and downs. I travel the emotional roller coaster all day, experiencing joyous highs and tearful lows.

In the midst of the day, even though I am a mom and I get to be extra recognized, sometimes it's hard to be cheerful and smiley. The feeling of missing my mom never goes away and a small part of my heart is gone forever. I will always remember her... not a day goes by that she doesn't cross my mind, even if it's just for a fleeting moment. 

When I sat down to write my thoughts on my Mom, just pouring out my heart, this is what I came up with:

If I could have one more day, I would make us a cup of tea so we could talk.

I would ask you to write out all your favorite recipes because it's so precious to see your handwriting.

I would think of all the questions that I wanted to know the answers to and we'd write them out together.

If I knew what I'd be doing today, all those years ago, I would seek your opinion on so many things. 

Raising teenagers, baking secrets, housekeeping tips and home management ideas.

If I knew that I would be saying good bye forever, I would record our conversation so I could hear your voice again.

I'd ask you to write me a letter. With encouragement, support, prayers and guidance. I would treasure that forever.

I would take more pictures of us. Of you. I'd take a video of your laugh, your smile.

I know you weren't perfect. Or maybe you were.

Perhaps I've simply forgotten all the unpleasant memories and pushed them aside for only good thoughts and images.

I hope I've make you proud. That if you were here, I would hear you say "good job Tess."

If I could have one more chance to hug you, see your face, hear your voice.

If on that day, when I waved good bye after our last supper together,  I knew I wouldn't see you again, I would have told you how much I loved you.

That I was so thankful for the precious 23 years and 5 months we shared.

I would tell you that I appreciate everything you've done for me. 

You were a model for me. You lived a strong life and fought such a hard battle in the end. 

I hope I can be as wonderful and lovely as you. A heart full of joy, a face that radiates light and a soul that emits the love of Jesus everywhere I go. 

Happy Mother's Day Mom, you are loved today and always.

Mother's Day

This particular Sunday of each year fills me with so many ups and downs. I travel the emotional roller coaster all day, experiencing joyous highs and tearful lows. It'll begin with a sweet kiss from my 'baby' as she declares she is hungry. At 6:45 in the morning. And then a warm hug from each of my older kids who are getting taller by the day. 

Then I'll read a Facebook post about a friend who is spending the day with her mom. And I'm not. And once again I'm caught off guard by the tears that threaten to slide down my cheeks. I cry at the unfairness of not being able to celebrate with the woman who I called "Mom" for 23 years. 

Today was spent with my sister and her family. Another mom that I love with all my heart. We were surrounded by our husbands and kids... All who love us both so much. We're planning to head to a park, barbecue hot dogs and hang out before Doug, the kids and I make the trek back home. 

At one point, no one was in the house but me and as I was looking at a picture of my mom, the tears forced their way out again. It's been almost 14 years since she left this earth and although I've learned to deal with the grief differently, it still hurts. A lot. 

I married a man who has an amazing mother. Even though she has never tried to take my mom's place, she has done a wonderful job of being there for me. Our relationship has gotten stronger as I've gotten older and I value the times we spend together. Plus, she's an amazing grandma!

Today is a day that holds a lot of different feelings. I will have fun with my own kids and I also don't think there's anything wrong with me taking some time to be sad. 

Happy Mother's Day to all my mom readers. Have a wonderful day!

It's Mother's Day...

~Shirley Van Neck~

Had I known 10 years ago that it would have been the last Mother's Day I spent with my mom, I wonder if I'd have done anything different. Knowing that in 9 weeks, she would be physically gone from me. It's been so long and I find myself forgetting more and more what she was like, what she did, how she sounded, even the scent of her perfume.

I try hard to keep her memory alive:

• a beautiful picture of her shines on a small part of my living room
• my babies all wore a simple pale green sleeper that she bought her first grandchild
• I consider yellow roses to be my favorite because they were HER favorite
• I have friends who use the same turkey dinner stuffing recipe that she did
• my first daughter has her name... Shirley
• I drink my tea the way she liked... lots of sugar and milk
• I usually make sure my babies are dressed, especially when we leave the house. She didn't think a baby should go out in pyjamas
• I cook like her, using many of the same ingredients that she did
• I do things a certain way because that's how she did them

I know that no one is perfect but my mom was. Maybe I just picture her "perfect" because my memory won't allow anything negative to be thought of her but that's ok. She didn't yell at us kids, the house was always clean because I don't remember what it was like when she had four kids all under 9 years old, supper was always on the table when my dad got home, life was organized, she was always in control. I put her on a very high pedestal. I looked up to her and when she was gone, I didn't know how I would go on. Here I was, 7 week old baby in arms and no mom to tell me what to do for diaper rash, colic, or sleepless nights. There were (and still are) things I wish I asked her about and wonder what she'd think of me now. I hope she'd tell me that I'm doing a great job of being a mom. That if the laundry isn't done right away, that's alright. That if the house is a mess when my husband comes home, that's ok too. That burnt potatos will be fine with some gravy on top. I'd like to think she's super proud of me. That she would look at her four beautiful grandchildren and say how pleased she was of them.

On Mother's Day, I try not to get too self absorbed in missing my mom. I have four kids who adore me and want to serve me and make me as happy as possible. I will receive a bouquet of yellow flowers (ok, dandilions), handmade cards, breakfast in bed and coffee. I will delight in their faces as they gift me with treasures they have found or made in school. During "Mother's Day" I will do my best to be cheerful and happy for my excited kids who want to bless me.

May you all have a Happy Mother's Day!