Deflated.

I think that's the best way to describe how I feel today.  The morning started with a home visit from our EI Counselor and in addition to her simply doing her job, she's become someone I trust, confide in and appreciate.

I agreed to do an informal screening this morning just to see where Sarah is at and to see what progress she has made in six months.  It was exciting and encouraging to see the improvement in all areas of development.  I'm one who likes to have things written down.  I'm a visual person and so I need to see the changes on paper.  So, in my organized fashion, I whipped up a little chart that compares where Sarah was at 35 months and where she is at 40 months. 


The yellow highlights Sarah at 35 months and the blue highlights 40 months. 

Area of Development	Skill Level	Age Difference
Fine Motor	27-28 months	7-8 months
	33-34 months	6-7 months
Gross Motor	25 months	10 months
	28-29 months	11-12 months
Receptive Language	27-28 months	7-8 months
	33-34 months	6-7 months
Expressive Language	27-28 months	7-8 months
	29-30 months	10-11 months
Auditory Memory & Recognition	24-25 months	10-11 months
	28-29 months	11-12 months
Visual Memory & Recognition	18-19 months	16-17 months
	23-24 months	16-17 months
Self Help Skills	31-32 months	3-4 months
	37-38 months	2-3 months
Social Skills	39-40 months	4-5 months (ahead)
	48-49 months	8-9 months (ahead)

 
So yes, she IS improving but she also is still getting older and the way I see it is that she is no further ahead at this time.  Although she isn't at the level of a 18-24 month old, she's still up to 1.5 years behind.  It was when I looked at it this way, I felt my everything simply fall.  My heart, my energy, my spirit.  I guess it leaves me to wonder if she'll ever catch up.  It is hard to send her to a play-based program at our church designed for two year old kids, knowing it is perfectly suited for her.  I believe that she wouldn't thrive or succeed in the preschool program geared for 3-5 years old.

We had an appointment booked with a geneticist since August.  Two months we waited.  Three days before, we receive a phone call cancelling that appointment.  Just. Like. That.  After three phone calls back to them, I receive a new appointment... for November 21.  Another month to wait.  Four days before that one, we will be at her MRI and another week after that, we'll be following up for the MRI.  I'm already looking forward for the month of November to be over.


I'm feeling incredibly discouraged today.  As much as I know and believe I need to follow through with all of this for my daughter, my momma heart wants to just leave her be.  Save her the pain of needles, doctors, nurses and tests.  I wish these next words were mine but I credit my friend Jessica for saying what I haven't been able to put in words:


"There are no guarantees in life, and although we don't want our children to be in pain, we know that even this present suffering can be "worked out" for good as we love and train our children in the middle of their suffering."   


I'm not sure when (or even if) Sarah will ever understand why we are doing this for {to} her.  For now I will continue to advocate for her and do whatever I can to help her.
Philippians 4:6-7
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.  Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.


Isaiah 41:10
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.  Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

One of those weeks...

The weekend was spent as a family, with family... celebrating Thanksgiving together.  On Monday, we didn't have much planned other than Doug figured he'd build one of the two gates for our new fence.  Then, he put his back out.  Cleaning out the shower.  Nice.  Now, for the most part, he seldom does anything part way and in fact, this back issue has put him out of commission ALL WEEK. 

Tuesday:
The pediatrician appointment for Sarah that we had booked three months ago.  I ended up having to drive myself (and Sarah) to the office alone.  Now I'm not really afraid of driving in the city but I do find the infamous "Whyte Ave" to be a little intimidating.  Thankfully I had a reliable GPS and good directions from Doug.  As planned, Sarah's EI counselor met us there.  She was going to be the one to push the doctor to get us in at the Glenrose.  I forgot and she didn't know that the pediatrician is allergic to perfumes and other scents.  That meant that she had to leave the room.  So for a while, I felt very alone.  I did muster the courage to ask him what we should do about the Glenrose and his suggestion was to wait until the completion of the rest of the tests.

When I got home, I drove Doug the chiropractor, Andrea to her music lesson, made supper and went to the bank so Joshua could open an account.  I went to bed exhausted... I'm sure I was sleeping by 9:15.

Wednesday:
I stayed home all morning to be with the kids.  They'd taken the entire long weekend off of schooling so we had a little catching up to do.  I (again) drove Doug to another chiropractor appointment, drove Andrea to the auditions at church, threw a pizza in the oven and ended another day.

Thursday:
I headed into the city to meet my sister and aunt for a coffee date.  I had a nice visit with them and it was good to connect.  Sarah also loves the facility of Cafe O' Play and I know it's good for her motor skills.  I made it home for lunch, a third chiropractor appointment, a facilitator home visit, lasgana in the oven, dealt with a little dog's seizure and eventually all four kids to bed.

Friday:
I woke up to realize I would (in addition to everything else), bring the garbages to the curb.  Doug has another appointment this morning that I will drive him to, then to the city to sell some Kijiji items, make meals and try to squeeze in some school work.

*sigh*  I'm just plain weary this week.  Driving, serving, helping... I feel like my job description has multiplied greatly and I'm doing my best to fill in the role of mom, teacher, wife, nurse, taxi, chef... I'll be glad to have this week over.