Wordless Wednesday

One Little Heartbeat at a Time

I know many of many (most) of my readers will have seen this on my Facebook page and I apologize for the double post. A friend had posted this earlier and I love how it spoke to me. I feel like I've been run ragged off my feet as of late and to be reminded that I AM making a difference was really good for me.
Have a wonderful day!

300th Post

Not a whole lot of pomp and circumstance with it though.  Blogging has been an outlet of joy, anger, frustration, fear and love for me.  I share with my readers some of my deepest feelings.  It exposes me and forces me to be 100% honest. 
Thanks to all of you who read this blog and *hugs* to my faithful followers!  Thanks for laughing and crying with me in my writing. 

Romans 5:2b-4

And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

40 Weeks

Let me begin by saying that I love books and I love to read.  I have bookshelves filled 2-3 layers deep of books.  I have no real interest in a Kindle because I love holding a book.  For a couple years now, I've been following the blog of Paige Beselt.  When she began writing this story, I was excited to catch the little sneak peeks that she inserted in her blog and I knew I'd want to read the whole book when it came out.  I was quite thrilled when her sister had brought a copy to church one night and I couldn't wait to get started.

This book is written like a journal of a young mom's experience and pain through miscarriage and then the joy of another pregnancy.  *Anna* is so open and transparent with her emotions and feelings that I couldn't help but imagine it was me she was talking about.  Her journal entries and writings are so honest and she opens herself in ways that the reader can't help but laugh and cry with her.

This story parallels my own experiences of losing babies to miscarriage and then the joy and even fear of a new pregnancy.

If you or someone you know has gone through the pain of miscarriage and the joy of pregnancy, I would definitely recommend this book to read.

Poor girl of mine

Sarah has come down with a bug of some sort.  Poor thing is so stuffed up, congested and coughing.  It sounds croup-like to me and I know there's not much to do about it.  Today was the first time in a few days that she actually ate.  Her voice is so pitiful and weak... it's almost sweet, but not really.  Amazingly though, she has done so well on the potty despite not feeling well. I'm so proud of her!  Everytime she goes, she asks me "Mom happy?"  Yes Honey, Mom is happy. 

Hoping she's on the finishing end of this cold and on the road to health again.

Today it is about me

Last night as I was getting the house tidied up before nighttime, I found myself increasingly frustrated with the mess, spilled cups, clutter, toys... the works.  It wasn't until I headed to bed that I hadn't set time aside in the day for ME.  Usually that "me" time is on the treadmill which is perfectly ok and even enjoyed.  I'm doing something that doesn't involved the kids and is improving all areas of my heath (physical, emotional, mental).

This morning I woke up with the promise to myself that I would get a workout done.  I pushed myself an extra 10 minutes on the treadmill which I upped from 30 minutes to 40 and I have a goal of doing a consecutive 60 minutes eventually.  After a quick shower, I feel much better about myself and am much prepared to tackle what lies ahead of me today.

I need to make sure I set that time aside for me each and every day!

All because...

I agreed to a speech assessment.  That lead to a full blown developmental assessment and three weeks later, here we are...

I saw Sarah's doctor this afternoon to see what his thoughts were regarding the assessment and such.  He hadn't received the report yet but agreed that we should continue with the remaining tests just to rule out everything.  Once we've received all the testing results, he will refer us to a pediatrician who specializes in neurological development.  I think I actually felt my heart drop at that.  I mean sure, I want the best for her and I want to do everything I can to help her catch up but I just didn't want to hear a term like neurological.  That seems big and scary to me.

My older kids are feeling the stress of me being gone so frequently lately.  Thankfully my {amazing} mother in law will hang out with them on Friday so I won't feel as guilty for leaving them on their own.  In the same breath though, I am so grateful that they are old enough to spend an hour or two at home by themselves and I have the assurance they can hold down the fort for me.

I find myself asking "where is this journey taking me?  What is the purpose of all this stress on me and my family?"  Unfortunately, I haven't received an answer yet...

No one...

*sigh*
Do you ever feel like there's just no one to talk to?  
No one who you can share your feelings with?  
I'm kind of in that place right now.  I have things on my mind but {other than Doug and my sister}I have no real soul mate.  No one person who I can open my heart to.  
Sort of a lonely evening tonight.

Dental Woes

I don't like the dentist.  Period.
I think my fear stems from YEARS of problems and cavities.  Fillings, needles, scraping and scratching at every appointment. I recall hearing something about my weak enamel.
Up until last summer, it had been many years since I had gone.  As a result, I had quite a few issues with my teeth.  After the initial x-rays and cleaning, I had one quadrant (top left) done which included a root canal, fillings and an extraction. Oh. Joy.  I finally mustered up the courage to go again.  After paying them $120 just to LOOK in my mouth and take an x-ray, I got a quote (uninsured) to get two measly teeth fixed.  Both are root canals and one may end up being an extraction.  Now my fear isn't simply of the dentist but how on EARTH I am going to afford it.  Thankfully Doug's insurance will cover us in three months... here's hoping I can wait that long.

It's the little things

... Sarah telling the workers in Sunday School that she had to use the potty!  What a huge step in this adventure!
... waking up to a clean kitchen and coffee is brewed
... reading a good book
... listening to my 7 year old talk to me in her sleep and having no idea what she's saying
... hearing an especially meaningful sermon at church
... receiving encouragement from friends
... being greeted by my sleepy son first thing in the morning
... I'm the best because I quickly sewed up a little pouch for a new Nintendo for someone who didn't have any money to buy a case for it
... no matter how many times I fall, my Heavenly Father is always going to be there to pick me up

How I Came to be a Homeschooling Mom Part II

Last December, a few concerns arose from the school so Doug and I began talking and praying about what we were to do with the kids' education.  Of course, full time school wasn't an option for us so that left full time homeschooling as our only choice.  We looked at the pros and cons, the alternative options, made sure we had all the information necessary for a good decision... everything.  We thought that rather than wait out the year, not knowing what other struggles may occur, we would pull them out.  Our actions surprised everyone, especially their teachers.  The teachers who have been an intricate part of their lives since they were in grade two and three.  The teachers who have seen them grow from little 7 & 8 year olds into mature, grown up 10 & 11 year olds.  Arianna was part of this program as well, although she was homeschooled for kindergarten.  I couldn't see myself bringing her to one school while the other kids attended another.  Plus, she was (and is) such a little homebody, that I knew another year at home would be good for her. She did ok at Stony Creek but I'm not sure it was bringing the best out of her.
On February 8, Doug and I picked the kids and all their belongings from school and took them home.  We took a couple weeks off to de-program them from the structure and routines that come from a school setting.
The past few months have consisted of basic math and language arts studies with a splash of a Pioneer Unit and some Government thrown into the mix.  We've done volunteer work at the church on Tuesday mornings, we've visited the Telus World of Science, taken a trip to Calgary, helped Grandma with her yard work and done some babysitting.  Our homeschooling consists of life learning.  We ask ourselves: "what will the kids need to know in order to manage a home on their own.
I love that our facilitator is in agreement with how we're running this show.  I like that he's on board with how we've decided to *school* the kids.  Now that the school year is almost over, I can look back and think that it has been a really good year!

How I became a Homeschooling Mom... Part I

This is my story...
When it was time for Joshua to enter kindergarten, I waffled between school and keeping him at home.  I had opinions and advice come from both sides and I was really not sure what to do.  In the end, I enrolled him in kindergarten at the school (in our area) that consists of a Maranatha program.  I knew there would be some Christian teaching and I felt ok with that decision.  It's not that I ever second guessed my choice but I often wondered if it was the right thing to do or if I should have done something different.  About halfway into his year, Doug and I were finding that Joshua was getting into *trouble* at school.  When we looked into it further, his misbehaviour was due to him being bored.  You see, Joshua went into kindergarten knowing how to spell, print, read and do math.  So while his teacher was teaching the kids to print a certain letter, Joshua simply didn't need to do it.  Consequently, he was looking for other things to keep his mind occupied, resulting in a frustrated teacher and many time outs.  It was in March that I knew I wouldn't put him in school again for grade one.  So, while I homeschooled Joshua for his grade one year, Andrea attended the same kindergarten as him.  Although some of her struggles were different, we again decided not to send her back to school for the following year.  In September of 2006, I was a full time homeschooling mom.  One kiddo in grade two and another in grade one.  Add to the mix, a curious two year old sister who wanted to be involved in everything as well.
The next spring, a neighbor lady followed my kids home when they were out biking.  I mean it's not typical that school aged kids are running around in the middle of the day.  It turns out that her kids were homeschooled as well, and were attending a hybrid program called Stony Creek.   The kids go to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays and do all core subjects except math and language arts.  We prayed about it and decided that we'd give it a try.  As it turns out, it was a wonderful transition for us and the kids.  It gave me a couple days a week with just Arianna and yet, I still got to have the kids at home for most of the week.  We stayed with Stony Creek for another 2.5 years.

To be continued...

Happy Birthday Joshua

On May 7, 1999, our family grew to include our first born son.  Joshua Michael was born around 3:30 in the afternoon and had continued to bless our lives on a daily basis.  I had insisted that he was called Joshua and most people call him that.  His friends and those who met him when he was older, tend to shorten his name to Josh.  I tolerate it but don't like it.  He will always be my Joshua. 

Twelve years.  Twelve Highlights.

1. You are my morning person.  Most mornings are greeted by you first.
2. You have a few really good friends.  You hold them close to your heart and spend a lot of time with them.
3. You tolerate school.  I don't know many 12 year old boys who really love school though.
4. Despite you wanting a brother, you have three sisters.
5. I see you growing and changing into a young man every day.
6. Although you like to think you are really tough, inside I know you are a softie, just like your dad.  Your future wife will love that about you.
7. You are my most easy going child. 
8. You love (I mean LOVE) Lego.
9. You look forward to each spring when dad can take you out on the motorcycle again.
10. You love riding your bike.  It is the worst thing to take away from you as a disciplinary measure.
11. You enjoy working in the kitchen with me and I enjoy it too.
12. I love you more today than ever and that love for you will continue to grow!

Happy 7th Birthday Arianna

Wow!  I can't believe I said good bye to my 6 year old last night, to be greeted this morning by my brand new 7 year old!  Arianna, you are a delightful addition to our family.  You bring a sparkle and shine like no one else can.  

You entered this world on the afternoon of May 4, 2004.  You weighed 7 pounds, and 7 ounces and were my smallest baby born.

Today, you are colorful and vibrant.  You are creative, spunky and full of adventure.
When you sleep, you lay flat on your back, similar to the picture above.
You are a pro on your bicycle.
You occasionally have bad dreams at night.
You can be a drama queen like no body's business.
You are sweet, gentle hearted and kind.
I know when you are tired because you get grumpy.
You are thriving in our home school environment and are a delight to teach.
I love you so much and look forward to what you'll do this coming year!

Your party was a pajama/ice cream party.  It was so fun to have your four good friends just playing around in their jammies!

Hard Earned

Arianna was saving her birthday money for a Nintendo DSI XL .  She had a good portion of what she needed so I told her I'd *loan* her the remainder of the cost.  We headed out to Superstore this morning and I have a very happy little lady.  I'm proud of her for saving the money she was given and I have a very happy daughter.

Processing...

The plethora of information that we received this morning.  I so desperately wanted Sarah to preform {well} for Wendy this morning.  I will admit to being agitated, stressed and worried about it.  I couldn't sit still.  I tried to be relaxed and open to everything but it just didn't play out that way.  There are quite a few issues where Sarah's development is concerned.  In most areas, she is at the age of a 24-25 month old.  In one area (visual recognition) she's at the level of an 18 month old and only in her social skills is she at the correct age.  So in all areas of development, she is significantly delayed. 

Oh. My.  What a lot to process.

The case worker was really nice and is there to work with us.  We can have as much or as little help from her as we'd like.  There are more tests now that we've been recommended we do.  Sarah needs her hearing checked out (because of her balance), her vision looked at because she scored so low on her visual skills test, her gait and walk/stance isn't quite right so we have to get an appointment with her doctor as well.  Not really how I wanted to begin my summer. 

My readers appreciate my honesty?  Here goes. 

This sucks for me.  It took everything in me not to walk out of the living room, hid out in my bedroom and cry while Wendy finished up.  I had moments where I wanted to tell her to stop.  If it was stressing me out, wouldn't it be stressing Sarah as well?  I think I had actually prepared myself for speech delays but nothing would or could have prepared me for the shock of how far behind she is in so many other areas.  Would I ever have been ready to hear it?  Maybe a small part of me already knew and I was in denial.  Resisting the truth.  I don't want her labeled as "delayed", "behind" or "needing intervention". 

So where did I go wrong?  What did I not do with her, that I did with the older kids when they were little?  Have I unknowingly prevented her from her full potential?  Did I want her to be my {baby} that badly?  I can't imagine that I would have intentionally held her back from developing.  For some skills to be at a corrected age of 18 months is nearly 1.5 years behind!  How can that simply be "where she's at"?  Heartbreaking for me. 

I know I am my daughter's advocate.  I know that I need to do whatever I feel is needed and necessary for her.  I also know that the initial shock of this news will lessen as time goes.  If you were to ask me today though, "are you okay?"  I would honestly say no.  I'm not in denial but I am grieving in a way.  This shocking news and realization hurts something awful. 

I'll give myself some time to process it all and work through my emotions.  I'll survive this hurdle in life as well. 

"Don't let your hearts be troubled. 

Trust in God, and trust also in me." 

John 14:1 (NLT)

Weekend Tid-bits

* Sarah has her assessment on Monday.  I'm not really looking forward to it.  I actually need great wisdom and strength to release my heart of anger, resentment and frustration.  I am trying very hard to remember the Bible verse I've claimed:

"Don't let your hearts be troubled. 

Trust in God, and trust also in me." 

John 14:1 (NLT)

* We attended a funeral today.  It was the first one that the kids have come to.  My poor tender hearted boy shed so many sad tears.  Our pastor's wife thanked him for crying because it almost give *permission* for the grown ups to cry.
* The funeral experience has promoted and made for many questions and discussions about death, Heaven and all sorts of other thoughts surrounding that topic.
* Doug is going through a job change... big transition for all of us.  I'm trying not to worry about how it all will play out but the pessimist in me isn't doing too well with that. 
* Sarah is 80% potty trained.  She has had just a few accidents and for the most part seems to have figured it out.  It is nice to only have to buy one package of diapers that will last us a month.
* We celebrated Arianna's 7th birthday with her friends last night.  So cute to see all these little girlies in their jammies eating ice cream and watching a movie!  I love birthdays!!
* I really like going to church on Saturday nights... makes for such relaxing Sundays.
* Sometimes being the Chairman's wife is tough.  He's always talking to someone about anything.  Once in a while, I feel very alone when we're at church and that I should have just stayed home.
* Andrea is almost done a year of voice lessons and she's become quite the singer.  I love listening to her sing and create songs of her own.
* It is 9:30 at night and I am already planning what workout I will do when I wake up and looking forward to a hot cup of coffee when I'm done.  Nice and strong with a good dollop of White Chocolate Mocha creamer in it.  Mmmmm!  How silly is that?
* Now that my May birthdays are done, I get to start planning Sarah's June birthday!  How can my baby be approaching three?  I'm on the hunt for fun and exciting party ideas for her.

Lifestyle Change

I hesitate to use the word *diet* because I don't need my daughters thinking they need to diet.  I also don't want them thinking I don't like how I look.  I am just wanting to improve our eating habits and therefore making my family a healthier bunch.  If I lose a few pounds while I'm at it, all the better for me.  For about 4-5 weeks now, I've cut out all meats except chicken and some fish.  I've increased my vegetable intake by huge amounts and certainly feel healthier because of it.  On of my favorites is a Greek salad... kind of modified.

• 10 grape or cherry tomatoes
• 1/4 to 1/2 a cucumber
• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• sprinkle of feta cheese (I use parmesan if I don't have feta)
• 1 tablespoon (give or take) Greek salad dressing powder

Stir in all ingredients and gently toss.  Let it sit.  The longer it marinades, the better it gets.

A more traditional recipe would have olives and onion, neither of which I like.

I've also gotten really creative with different salads and stir fries.  The changes in how I eat have been great for how I feel about myself and I know I'm healthier because of it.  

Speech Assessment

Assessment.  Delayed.  Early intervention.  Auditory testing.  Group sessions.

All these labeling words continue to echo in my head.  

These are the words that came out of today's first assessment for Sarah's speech.  A lot of information to process and a lot of different feelings that are going on inside of me.  The older kids were always ahead of their peers in all areas of development.  Whether it was walking, talking, writing... whatever.  To have come to the realization that Sarah is not at the level she should be, is quite a difficult thing to accept.  At {almost} three years old, she has the language development of a two year old.  So in addition to taking this first assessment step, we consented to an in-home consultation from the Early Intervention Specialist as well as auditory testing at the hospital.  I really don't think the auditory test is necessary as both Doug and I are pretty confident that her hearing is fine.  But, like everything else, we'll get it done anyhow.

So that was the formal part of the morning.  I've had a few hours to chew on the information given to me and I'm sure I'll continue to process what I've learned.  It is very difficult for me to accept the fact that Sarah needs help or intervention... call it what you want, it's all the same to me.  She is my baby and part of me just wants to leave her alone and develop at her own speed.  Since she was 6 weeks old, she has been poked, prodded, inspected, has had blood drawn, received all types of testing, scans... the works.  To this day, she is fearful of doctors and medical facilities.  It was interesting that she was happily walking into the building and as we approached the Health Unit, she immediately asked to be picked up.  That makes me sad for her.  I don't think it's right for a 2.5 year old to be fearful of the medical community.  My mama-heart wants to hold and protect her from everything like that.  I know that this speech stuff isn't invasive to her but that doesn't mean I have to like it.  I think I've resisted getting the assessment done because I didn't want to admit that there was a problem.  Does that make sense?

She isn't a typical looking *almost* three year old.  She has a little bit of fuzzy blonde hair that is finally coming in at the back.  She is short and tiny... on the scale today, she was a whopping 24 pounds, 8 ounces.  Because of her size and {lack of} hair, people are always surprised when I tell them she's almost 3!  The next question is always "Was she a preemie?"  Nope.  Full term, and actually 9 days late.  Now add in her lack of speech and she appears much less than her age.  I need to trust God's plan for her.  Trust that she is developing and growing just the way HE intended.  I will do everything I can to provide the tools to help Sarah improve her speech.

"Don't let your hearts be troubled. 

Trust in God, and trust also in me." 

John 14:1 (NLT)

Happy Mother's Day to my Mom

 On her wedding Day

The last family picture of us

And my favorite picture of her.  I'm so glad my dad requested a solo picture was taken of her.

~Shirley Van Neck~

I could rewrite this blog post but the feelings and words would be very much the same as they were two years ago.  So I will re-post the same post and then add bits and pieces how I feel they need to be changed.  The original post will be italicized and the new parts will be in regular font.

Had I known 12 years ago that it would have been the last Mother's Day I spent with my mom, I know I'd have done things different. Knowing that in 9 weeks, she would be physically gone from me.  It's been so long and I find myself forgetting more and more what she was like, what she did, how she sounded, even the scent of her perfume.

I try hard to keep her memory alive: 

• A beautiful picture of her shines on the wall of my hallway
• My babies have all worn a simple green velour sleeper that she bought for Joshua.
• I consider yellow roses to be my favorite because they were HER favorite.
• My oldest daughter is her namesake.
• I drink my tea the way she did, sweet and milky.
• I usually make sure my babies are dresses before we go out. She didn't think babies should go out in their pajamas.
• I cook like her, using many of the same ingredients that she did.
• When my kids ask why I do things a certain way, I tell them because that's how my mom did it.

I know that no one is perfect but my mom was. Maybe I just picture her  "perfect" because my memory won't allow anything negative to be thought of her but that's alright. She didn't yell at us kids, the house was always clean because I don't remember what it was like when she had four kids all under 9 years old, supper was always on the table when my dad got home, life was organized, she was always in control. I put her on a very high pedestal. I looked up to her and when she was gone, I didn't know how I would go on. Here I was, 7 week old baby in arms and no mom to tell me what to do for diaper rash, colic, or sleepless nights. There were (and still are) things I wish I asked her about and wonder what she'd think of me now. I hope she'd tell me that I'm doing a great job of being a mom. That if the laundry isn't done right away, that's alright. That if the house is a mess when my husband comes home, that's ok too. That burnt potatoes will be fine with some gravy on top. I'd like to think she's super proud of me. That she would look at my four beautiful children and say how pleased she was of them. 

On Mother's Day, I try not to get too self absorbed in missing my mom. I have four kids who adore me and want to serve me and make me as happy as possible. I will receive a bouquet of yellow flowers (ok, dandilions), handmade cards, breakfast in bed and coffee. I will delight in their faces as they gift me with treasures they have found or made in school. During  "Mother's Day" I will do my best to be cheerful and happy for my excited kids who want to bless me.

May you all have a Happy Mother's Day!

My kids

I have to do a bit of a brag on them.
Brag #1:
This afternoon, I was hit with flu like symptoms.  Nauseated, chills, aches, pains, lightheaded... that kind of thing.  My daughter tells me to just go upstairs to bed.  So I did.  I left my potty training two year old in her hands and went to sleep for two hours.  When I came down, the house was a little untidy but still standing.  Sarah was sitting on the potty and they were all watching Netflix on my laptop.  Good kids! 

Brag #2:
Our next door neighbors have a newly set up trampoline.  I guess the rule is no friends on it... just the two kids who live there.  Ok fine.  My daughters get their imaginations in gear and come up with a house and restaurants on the deck and backyard.  Here's some pictures of what they did:

The house

 And "omlette" with "strawberries"

Some of the "food"

 The restaurant portion

 Arianna pretending to enjoy the omelette.

Andrea presenting her creativity!

Christ the Lord is Risen Today-Steve Green

I know the older hymns aren't everyone's style but I love listening to this one!  Brings back many memories of living at home.

Home again

It's been a couple weeks since I last posted about our arriving at the in laws for a mini *stay*cation.  It was a nice two weeks to get away from the rush of the city and constant doorbell and phone ringing of friends trying to play with my kids. 

What I will miss:

• being far from city things such as lights, sirens, traffic, and rushing around
• the peaceful mornings in front of the fire place with my coffee and thoughts
• never worrying or wondering about the kids when they are outside
• the quiet... all the time

What I am glad to return to:

• my washing machine and dryer
• my bed
• high speed internet
• a pot of ground coffee (we only used Keurig cups while away)
• having Sarah in her own room
• the convenience of getting groceries quickly
• routine (it went out the window while away)

Time away is always good and I think it makes us appreciate our own space.  I love my house and the home it provides for us. 

Morning Person

I am one of them.  Always have been, always will be.  Today Sarah woke me, wanting to nurse a bit.  Easy for her and she goes back to sleep.  Me, I start the wheels in my head rolling.  Thinking about my girls having a sleepover down the road.  About Joshua who is fighting a cold and wondering if he needs his inhalers.  About Doug who came in really late after an evening filled with conversation with a good friend.  About how super quiet and peaceful it is on the acreage.  I thought about what I have to make before heading to my sister's this afternoon. 
Sure enough, after about 20 minutes of *thinking*, I knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep.  I rolled Sarah over because she WAS sleeping again and just got up.  I had a moment of wishing I could fall asleep again but knew it would be pointless to just lay in bed. 
I genuinely like being a morning person.  I enjoy the time alone.  With homeschooling three of the four kids, I find there isn't a lot of *me* time and so I take these quiet morning moments for me.  I enjoy my coffee, catch up with my Facebook friends, check the weather, read some comics and welcome the day on my own.  Slowly, my sweet littles join me.  Usually Arianna or Joshua is first.  Then Arianna or Joshua is next.  Doug usually bring Sarah down to me next.  Once we're up and moving around, Andrea gets woken up.  (Note: she is NOT a morning person)  The day is then running.  I love the busyness that my family has and I am equally thankful that something (or someone) wakes me up early enough to simply enjoy the quiet of the house. 

Acreage Retreat

We are house sitting for Doug's parents for a few days (a couple weeks actually).  Rather than just pop in every few days, we were invited to move in.  The kids were delighted with this idea and we jumped at the chance.  We had hardly brought our stuff into the house, and they had pulled on the rubber boots and made a mad dash for the snow, puddles and MUD!  I can hardly wait to see what they look like when they come in.  Once we were a bit settled, with a coffee in hand, I began to feel like I was on a retreat.  It is quiet, serene and peaceful up here.  I think it will be a nice time away for all of us.  I feel so amazingly blessed to be part of this family.

A Good Day

You may or may not know that Sundays are my favorite day of the week.  You can read about it in this POST.  Today we all got up when we wanted to and then I had it in my head that we'd visit the Muttart Conservatory in Edmonton.  We only had to pay for the kids since we had a Groupon to use up. It was fun to just mosey around and check out all the new greenery since our winter has been SO long now.  After that we grabbed a bite to eat and headed home.  I put Sarah down for a nap and figured I'd grab the chance to have a sleep as well.  It's been months since I had a daytime sleep.  After I got up, Doug started on supper... it seems he makes most suppers on Sunday and I kind of enjoy the night off that way.  The steaks had been marinating for over 24 hours and so they were ready for the barbeque.  Add to that some mashed potatos, sugar snap peas and cucumbers and we've got a scrumptious meal.  Tonight we'll end our weekend watching a family movie or playing a game!  Photos from the conservatory to come later.

Because He Lives

I have attended the same church since I was about two years old. I was baptized as teenager there, was married in it, and have brought all four of my newborn babies there. The music style has changed over the years for sure. From traditional classic hymns to a more upbeat worship style. Call me old fashioned, but I still love the beauty of the older style of music and sometimes wish it could be brought back.
Many years ago, I befriended an elderly gentleman and his wife. I can remember going to his house every few months with my flute and playing hymns for him while his wife accompanied my on piano. He'd sing along with such a big heart that at times, it was hard to concentrate on playing. This was one of our favorite songs to play.  Thinking about it and hearing now, brings tears to my eyes as I'm filled with emotion of how much He loves me.  I still love the message this song delivers. The man has long since gone to live with Jesus in our eternal Home and I think it will be a wonderful reunion when the two of us can worship together again.

Sundays

Our church has three services... one on Saturday night and two on Sunday.  We've been attending the evening service for quite some time now and I've found that Sunday has become my absolute favorite day of the week.  Often getting six people dressed and out the door by 9:00 in the morning was very stressful, leaving Doug and I frustrated with the kids {and sometimes each other}, the kids upset with us for rushing and leaving no one's heart ready to be at church.  Saturday night services allow us to get ready during the afternoon, eat an early supper and finally get into the van, usually at a more relaxed pace. 
Sundays are now spent with a few cups of coffee in our jammies, reading the news, catching up on each others thoughts, sharing vacation ideas with the kids, enjoying brunch and really connecting as a family. After our morning catch up, everyone sort of does their own thing and we seldom have anything planned.  Maybe we'll go for a country drive, maybe we'll go sledding at Grandma & Grandpa's, maybe we'll stay home and watch movies or play games.  It is truly a day of rest. 

Enjoy your day!

Love is Tough

Andrea had asked to sleep over at a friend's house yesterday.  I don't know this girl very well but I've heard some things that they do and say, none of which I really want my daughter to be around.  Doug and I said she could not go.  She was angry at me for most of the day... right up until bedtime in fact.  Around 9:00, she came into my room and asked me why she couldn't go.  I told her that my reasons wouldn't make sense to her and she may not understand.  There is something called mother's instinct that just warns us about a situation.  I can't explain it but I felt like she shouldn't go.  I was right, she didn't understand.  I took her frustration at me with a grain of salt and stood my ground. 
Andrea seemed to be in a better mood this morning and actually told me of a dream she had... she was at this friend's house for the sleep over and while she slept the hostess' older sisters had colored on her face while she was sleeping.  She woke up feeling grateful that she stayed home.  Being a mom is tough and the choices we make on behalf of our children aren't easy but we really do have their best interest in mind.
I love you Andrea and even though you may think I am determined to make your life miserable... I'm not.  Your safety is of utmost importance to me and I will protect you for as long as I can.

All Mine

I was snuggling with Sarah after her nap this afternoon.  She hasn't been feeling good so she needed some extra lovin'.  After her nursing session was done, she grabbed my arm, gave me a big hug and said "all mine" with a big smile. Yes, Sarah, I'm all yours!  Such a sweet little girl I have.

Sarah's Speech Update

Doug and I took Sarah in to the doctor this morning just to ask some questions about the level of her speech.  We've noticed lately that she's not quite as up to par as other two year old kids and we voiced our concerns today.  He did agree that she's not where she should be *globally* and that he'd refer us to a speech pathologist.  We determined that it's not the receptive part of her speech rather her expression of speech.  She is cognitively just fine and can understand what we are saying.  Our doctor said he doesn't have an expertise in speech so he didn't want to say too much.
I'm thankful for the specialists out there who are available to work with us.
Emotionally, this is really hard for me to deal with.  Deep down, I knew she was behind a little ways but had hoped nothing would come of it....  like I need something else to think about.

Mama's Arms & Sarah

Sometimes nothing else will do.  Sarah still wakes up during the night.  There.  I've said it.  My 2.5 (almost 3 year old), doesn't sleep through the night.  Ever.  Usually she's up just once but occasionally more.  Doug and I aren't the type to follow through with a cry it out method so most nights, Sarah ends up in our bed, sometime between the hours of midnight and 2:00 in the morning.  The easiest way to soothe her is nursing.  So I snuggle up with her for just a few minutes and then she pops in her soother and curls up right against my stomach and chest.  I take these quiet moments to admire her little fingers, long eyelashes and downy hair that is slowly coming in.  I look at her perfectness and am in awe at how wonderful God is. 

One year before Sarah was born (almost to the day), I miscarried for the third time.  I had moments of wondering if I we would even want to try to have another baby.  A loss after weeks of excitement and preparation is devastating.  Shortly after I lost the baby, I had a talk with a very dear friend of mine.  This mentor has since gone to live with her Father in Heaven but there's a few things she said to me that I will never forget.  Number one was: if I hadn't lost the baby that I did, I never would have known the baby I have.  Makes one think doesn't it?  Number two was: why not me?  That was her response to my "why me?"  I never did answer that but it made me think.  I have greater empathy for those who lost babies through miscarriage now.  I understand the hurt and the pain.  I can help comfort those moms because I do understand what it's like.

Now, I know there are people who disagree with how we're letting her sleep with us but I know she won't be in our bed forever and that's just our parenting style.  I am also aware that she is my last baby and although I'd love a full night's sleep, for now, I am going to take these sleepless nights and be thankful that I have a baby to love and hold. 

The Latest of the Fidelak Six

* On Friday, I had not one, but two refreshing coffee dates full of homeschooling families.  What encouragement, support and love.  Hours filled with laughter, chocolate and friends.  Perfect end to the week!
* Tomorrow (Sunday), Doug and I are going on a date to the Keg!  I am so excited about having a delicious steak to eat.
* I made my concerns about Sarah's speech known to friends and I've received such wonderful ideas and support about that. 
* I {heart} musicals and operas.  I'm currently watching Les Miserables on TV and am just in love.  I'm in tears over the beauty of Fantine's sad voice... crying to her daughter.  My parents blessed me with tickets to Phantom of the Opera, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat and Les Miserables whenever they came to our area. It gave me a true appreciation of that style of music.
* I am beginning to wonder if (when) my two year old will be potty trained.
* My kids have been in such rough moods lately.  Not sure what's going on, but something has to change.
* The room changes seem to be a success.  Arianna loves being the *big* sister and truth be told, I love having her back upstairs.  Six years old seemed so young to be downstairs.
* Sundays are my favorite day of the week.  Doug generally makes lunch and supper... sort of a day off cooking for me. 

Friends

Tomorrow I am meeting with a group of six friends.  Six homeschooling moms who all agree with home education.  I'm so excited about it.  Two or more hours to talk about curriculum, challenges, benefits, options... everything.  I look forward to the opportunity to be blessed and encouraged by these moms who appreciate home schooling and have similar beliefs that I do.  The kids will have a great time with their friends, playing outside and running around.  I look forward to sitting back and enjoying coffee and friendships!

Bedroom Configurations

I have four kids.  One boy and three girls.  Joshua being the oldest and only boy will always have his own room.  Lucky him.  The girls are all 3-4 years apart and that is quite a difference in age when it comes to things like sharing rooms and spaces.  For quite a few years (in the old house), Andrea and Arianna shared a room.  Sarah was a newborn so she either slept in our room or had the nursery.  When we moved into this house, each of the older three kids was given their own room in the basement.  It is unfinished so Doug just stapled tarps up to the rafters.  We found that the three bedrooms didn't give any extra play space.  So a few days ago, Andrea and Arianna moved in together.  That means two bedrooms and one play room in the basement.  I think it is a really good configuration.  As of late though, Andrea has been very possessive of the items in the bedroom, not allowing Arianna to use them.  To make the room bigger, she also moved out one bed and dresser, thinking the two of them could share.  This isn't working.  At all.  So I told the girls to bring back the extra mattress and dresser and put the room back to how I had it.

About two weeks ago, I brought up the toddler bed to introduce it to Sarah.  She hasn't loved it yet so we also have the crib set up.  A couple times, Arianna has slept in the little bed (she is too big for it!) but has quite enjoyed sharing that space with Sarah.  A part of me is wondering if Andrea (at 10.5 years old) needs that unshared bedroom and maybe it's time for the two littlest ones to share.  The only other way to give each kid their own space is for me to pack up a room full of scrapbooking materials, sewing machines, fabric and crafting supplies and give Arianna that room.  Being kind of selfish, I don't want to give up that room. I like my own craft space and it's good for me to have a place for me to hang out.
Arianna does think it's a good idea to share with Sarah... maybe it is?

My thoughts:

• By having the two little girls share a room, it allows Arianna to be the *big* sister 
• By letting Andrea have her own room, she is able to be the biggest sister and feel grown up
• Sarah can also then enjoy being with HER big sister and start learning to share that space

Scrapbooking Some More

Just a Few More Hours

Doug called me this morning to say he was almost in Jasper.  That means only 3-4 hours away depending on the road conditions. 
I survived the week.  I don't know if homeschooling full time made it easier because I didn't have to do any extra driving or if I had just sent my mind to surviving the week peacefully. 
Sarah was sick so that made it a little harder.  Joshua had moments of testing my patience and authority so that made it a little harder too.  He redeemed himself this morning when he had woken up early, gotten dressed, eaten, cleaned up afterwards and then completed his job pack.  The bathrooms were cleaned by the time I got up. 
Andrea has been a great help around the house and with Sarah... allowing me some precious moments alone... at the grocery store.  Kind of silly that I get excited about getting groceries without kids.
Arianna has had some ups and downs but overall has been very pleasant to be around.  She and Andrea have been getting along great and I love that about the sisters. 
Only a few more hours alone and then my partner is back.  God created it to be that way and I'm so glad He did.  I'm hanging in there... it won't be long now.

Thankful Thursday (03.10.11)

I am thankful for:

• My family who are the most important people in my life
• The freedom to educate my children as I wish
• My cheerful and obedient children
• A husband who works so hard to provide for his family
• Friends who encourage and inspire me on a daily basis
• A mother in law who has never tried to fill the role of my Mom and yet does a magnificent job of being a mom to me.

Photography

I've never really give myself credit for things I do well at.  Maybe I don't like the attention drawn to me or maybe I think I could have done better.  For a few years now, I've admired the work of professional photographers... especially those who have worked with newborn babies.  In some ways it looked too hard.  I mean babies move and wiggle, they don't always conform to a schedule, they can be unpredictable... that kind of thing.  A few months ago, I took Natalie's maternity pictures- she was my first ever, non family member photo subject and I loved it.

When we were done, she asked if I'd take the baby's pictures when she was born.  I was delighted to have the opportunity to do this.  Well last week, this little girl made her appearance in our world and Natalie arranged for me to come and take Alyse's pictures. That was the most fun I've had in a photoshoot.  She was such a delightful baby who cooperated and was a beautiful little person.  Today was the first day that I thought to myself: "I am good at what I do and I did a great job today!"  I'll show you one peek at this little girl but I hope you'll check out my Photography Blog for some more.

I still can't believe I took this picture! 

Monday Musings

• I love my family.  I am so blessed by each and every one of them.
• Today is the 16th Valentine's Day that Doug and I have celebrated together.
• I am still deeply in love with him and even moreso than when we first met.
• I love that on a Monday afternoon, my children have the freedom to go outside and play at the nearby sledding hill.
• I need a project... sewing, scrapbooking... something.
• Sarah is talking more and more each day.
• Arianna continues to charm me with her bright blue eyes and winning smile.
• Andrea is growing up way too fast for my liking.
• Joshua impresses me with his offers to help around the house.
• I love making the same Valentine dessert for my family as my mom did for us.
• I will attempt a heart shaped pizza for tonight's supper.
• After just a few days of introducing "Blessing {chore} Packs", my house is amazingly tidier than it ever has been.

What love looks like

I was at church tonight and sitting across the aisle from me was an older couple.  I can remember this wonderful woman teaching my kids Sunday School quite a few years ago and she was such a sweet spirited person. Sadly, dementia has taken over this lady's mind over the past few years.  Her husband faithfully brings her to church every week.  I noticed how he caressed her back and knew when to stop as she moved away from his touch.  He brought her to the front of the church for communion and I don't know if she took part but he still went through the motions with her.  I can see how much he loves her even though her mind isn't where it used to be.  He's so gentle and patient with her. 
I hope Doug loves me like that.  Unconditionally.  Tenderly.  Perfectly. Patiently.
It makes me think of another kind of love that I am unworthy of.  The love of my Father.
Unconditional.
Tender.
Perfect.
Patient.
I am so blessed.

Today

Today is the last morning that the kids will go to school on a Tuesday or Thursday.  After much consideration, discussion and prayer, Doug and I have decided to return to full-time home schooling for Joshua, Andrea, and Arianna.  It is very important to note that we still support the Stony Creek program, and that we are thankful for the time and effort that everyone involved has put into the education of our children.  The best learning path will be different for each and every student (and that includes adults too!).  For our family, we have reached the conclusion that home schooling is the best route at this time.  With Doug’s travel for work, it will also allow us to go with him as a family... seeing different areas of Western Canada, interacting with different people, and learning about the world we live in by physically being in it.  This is an opportunity that we simply can’t take advantage of while being part of the Stony Creek program. 

The driving factor for us has been a verse from the Bible that has been at the forefront of our thoughts since July of last year: “Train your child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” Proverbs 22:6 (emphasis added) We have prayed this verse since last July and we are now following through on what we believe will be best for our kids.  

Truth be told, I am sad at the thought of leaving for the last time tomorrow.  The relationships I have developed with the teachers, particularly the girls', goes way beyond the typical parent/teacher relationship.  I consider her a friend and intend to continue our friendship as we embark on this next phase of the home school journey.  I value her opinions, insights and views and I leave the school knowing she had a profound impact on my childrens' lives.  I left the school feeling supported, encouraged and appreciated by all three of my kids' teachers. 

I look forward to teaching the kids with eager anticipation.  I'm excited to see them learn things with  Doug and I and to see how our family will grow stronger together because of this change.  I am looking forward to embark on the new phase of our schooling journey.

Week 1

So I figure I've worked out 4 out of the past 7 days.  I've done the treadmill (my favorite), Turbo Jam and Jillian Michaels.  I like how getting it done first thing in the morning motivates me to do something extra later in the day.  Today was the first day, I actually got a second workout in!
I haven't seen any amazing results but I'm not giving up.  Feeling the *burn* is getting to be a nice feeling knowing I am making these muscles stronger each day.  I have a weight goal to accomplish by the time Sarah turns 3 years old in four and a half months.  I'll keep you posted.

Friday Musings

• Putting Sarah in a fleece sleeper is my most favorite thing for her to wear
• I was supported and encouraged by two amazing friends this morning
• I have exercised 4 out of 7 days this week
• My sister is leaving for Australia tomorrow and I will miss her terribly
• I am very sure that we will go back to full time homeschooling this fall
• I finished another quilt today
• I received a birthday present today:

Thank you Vera Bradley!

Quilt

A week or so ago, I made a quilt following the tutorial from HERE.  Something didn't go the way I wanted and I wasn't super happy with it.  So, being the perfectionist sewer that I am, I simply had to do it again.  More fabric shopping and sewing and cutting.  Bummer for me!  :)  Anyhow, here's a look at the second quilt.  I am in love!

Day 3

Of my new workout regime.  Just a brisk walk on the treadmill for now.

Notes:
2.22 km
30 minutes
196 calories burned
*my 2 km goal was done at 26:00- 4 minutes faster than yesterday*

Scrapbook Fun

Here's a look at some of my newest layouts:

 The next three layouts were *borrowed* from my friend Kelly!

Couch to 5K

Week one, day one is done.  A routine of a 5 minute warm up, 60 seconds of jogging, 90 seconds of walking.  Repeat the jogging/walking for 20 minutes and then cool down for another 5.  I'm not totally sure what a jogging speed is, but I'm sure I wasn't quite there...

Notes:
2.03 km
30 minutes
200 calories burned