Mother's Day 2014

It was Sunday, May 9, 1999. My very first Mother's Day as a mom with my two day old son and the last one I would ever spend with my mom. Just two months and two weeks later, I said good bye as she walked in the waiting arms of Jesus after her heart simply gave up the fight to go on.

This particular Sunday of each year fills me with so many ups and downs. I travel the emotional roller coaster all day, experiencing joyous highs and tearful lows.

In the midst of the day, even though I am a mom and I get to be extra recognized, sometimes it's hard to be cheerful and smiley. The feeling of missing my mom never goes away and a small part of my heart is gone forever. I will always remember her... not a day goes by that she doesn't cross my mind, even if it's just for a fleeting moment. 

When I sat down to write my thoughts on my Mom, just pouring out my heart, this is what I came up with:

If I could have one more day, I would make us a cup of tea so we could talk.

I would ask you to write out all your favorite recipes because it's so precious to see your handwriting.

I would think of all the questions that I wanted to know the answers to and we'd write them out together.

If I knew what I'd be doing today, all those years ago, I would seek your opinion on so many things. 

Raising teenagers, baking secrets, housekeeping tips and home management ideas.

If I knew that I would be saying good bye forever, I would record our conversation so I could hear your voice again.

I'd ask you to write me a letter. With encouragement, support, prayers and guidance. I would treasure that forever.

I would take more pictures of us. Of you. I'd take a video of your laugh, your smile.

I know you weren't perfect. Or maybe you were.

Perhaps I've simply forgotten all the unpleasant memories and pushed them aside for only good thoughts and images.

I hope I've make you proud. That if you were here, I would hear you say "good job Tess."

If I could have one more chance to hug you, see your face, hear your voice.

If on that day, when I waved good bye after our last supper together,  I knew I wouldn't see you again, I would have told you how much I loved you.

That I was so thankful for the precious 23 years and 5 months we shared.

I would tell you that I appreciate everything you've done for me. 

You were a model for me. You lived a strong life and fought such a hard battle in the end. 

I hope I can be as wonderful and lovely as you. A heart full of joy, a face that radiates light and a soul that emits the love of Jesus everywhere I go. 

Happy Mother's Day Mom, you are loved today and always.

It's Been Three Years

Three years ago from today, I nervously entered the local health unit with an unsettled feeling in my stomach. This is what I wrote when the day was done: BLOG POST FROM MAY 9, 2011. 

So how has she changed in three years?

• Her speech development continues to grow at a rate and pace that is suited for her.
• She is progressing forward, just slower than a typical developing child.
• Last year she had a speech assessment which placed her at a 3 year old level of speech. We have another assessment booked for June. 
• She chatters all day long and her pretend play is blossoming nicely. After spending a consistent amount of time with my friend (who does my respite) and her little girl, Sarah is learning how to play and interact with others as well. These times are allowing Sarah to listen, learn new things and share her own ideas and opinions. It's been a great opportunity for her to be with someone her age while still in the comfort of a home, which I appreciate.

How have I changed in three years?

• Although I have had many discouraging days, for the most part, I am accepting of her delays. I have times of frustration and fear but pushing those negative thoughts away is easier.
• My faith in God has grown by leaps and bounds. I had so many days and nights of doubts and tears which have brought me to my knees in submission to Christ. He has shown me through his Word and the wisdom of friends that she was created just the way He wanted her to be.
• I have learned how to become a stronger advocate for Sarah. I have fought for respite hours. I have pushed for answers. I have learned to be strong and keep looking for support.
• I no longer feel dreadful all the time. I know that Sarah will keep growing at her own rate and that will mean the gap between her and her peers will get bigger. I am still learning to be okay with and accept it as our "normal" and although some days are tougher than others, I'm doing better than I ever have been. 

What now? What's next?

• Currently, Sarah is registered for "grade one" this fall. I'll use that term loosely because it's only by law that she's enrolled and clearly she is not going to be doing what "typical" grade ones will be. 
• When I think that she's about 3.5-4 years old developmentally, we may start on some early preschool stuff but that's not a huge concern of mine. She is learning what she needs to at this time and I'm satisfied with that.
• I will continue to keep her at home. I do not believe that putting her in a room with 20-25 other developmentally average kids will benefit her at this time (even with a full time aid which would be necessary). Also, I've homeschooled all of my other kids successfully, why would Sarah be any different?
• I'm hoping that once the school year begins this fall, we will find supports and access to other help as we see is needed. It's been sort of a lonely year since we had to stop our early intervention and the support came to a close. We've sort of just let things be for the year with Sarah's only focus is on play. 

I can remember this visit as the beginning of a new stage of life for us. Little did we know what we were in for after that. The date of the initial developmental diagnosis is a bit later in May... I'll blog about it then. 

 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:6-7

Fifteen!!

Throughout my childhood, my dream was to be a mom. I wanted a baby to hold and love that was mine alone. On May 7th, that dream came true in the form of an eight pound baby boy. 

Fifteen years later, he is now taller than me, his voice deepening and becoming more like his dad's and even showing signs of needing to shave in the not too far off future. He's been working at Wendy's for almost a year now and enjoys what he does there. Lego is still a huge fascination and the sets in his room show how much he enjoys and appreciates them. There is now talk of buying a car because in a year, he will have his independent driver's license and I will have to let go just a little bit more. This fall he is going to be attending the local high school after spending the last nine school years under my wing. I hope and pray that I have provided all the tools for him to be successful, smart and able to stand up for what he believes in. 

I still am amazed that I am the mom of a 15 year old kid! Where did the years go...?

Ten Years Old!

Happy 10th birthday Arianna!! I can't believe how quickly the past ten years have gone by. As I hugged you this morning, the top of your head no longer sits under my chin. You are getting so tall and carry yourself with maturity and grace. I love how independent you are becoming and how you enjoy having extra responsibilities around the house, especially with Sarah. You ask deep questions and push for answers that satisfy you.

This year I had to begin your birthday morning with some terribly sad and hard news. Even though you were shocked from what I had to tell you, you had your tears and then decided you were still going to have a really fun and special day. Your church family sang to you, we went out for lunch and had pizza for supper. One of your friends spent the night and the two of you talked well into the night! I am so thankful that you had a happy day. I love seeing you grow and change and I know that God has a wonderful plan for your life!

Sunday's Song: My Jesus I Love Thee

My Jesus I Love Thee

My Jesus, I love Thee, I know Thou art mine;

For Thee all the follies of sin I resign.

My gracious Redeemer, my Savior art Thou;

If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

I love Thee because Thou has first loved me,

And purchased my pardon on Calvary’s tree.

I love Thee for wearing the thorns on Thy brow;

If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

I’ll love Thee in life, I will love Thee in death,

And praise Thee as long as Thou lendest me breath;

And say when the death dew lies cold on my brow,

If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

In mansions of glory and endless delight,

I’ll ever adore Thee in heaven so bright;

I’ll sing with the glittering crown on my brow;

If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

Daybook {05.01.14}

FOR TODAY

Outside my window... the sun is trying to break through the overcast sky of clouds. Signs of winter have finally melted away and the sounds of happy birds are now more common. A few little toys scatter in the yard, showing evidence of kids being able to be outside with less hoopla. Boots and hoodie are all that are needed now.

I am thinking... how much I enjoyed going for a walk yesterday and that I should make it a more regular part of my days.

I am thankful... for prayer filled people in my life.

In the kitchen... still clean after last night's supper. Thanks to my husband who tidied it for me while I was out for a couple hours!

I am wearing... black yoga pants and a red hoodie. Pretty comfortable for today.

I am going... to register my first born for high school. How can it be that I am at this stage of life already?! 

I am reading... Bridge To Haven by Francine Rivers. There's others that I'm in the middle of but sometimes when a new book comes in the mail, I just can't wait to get into it!

I am hoping... that the rain that's forecasted for Arianna's birthday on Sunday will change to sun instead. 

I am looking forward to... my last home visit of this school year. It's such a good feeling of knowing that I did it again... I completed another year of educating my kids and I did well!

I am learning... that peace and joy from God are not dependent on my circumstances. This has been quite a learning curve for me and although I'm still working through it, I'm thankful for how God is helping me grow.

Around the house... mostly tidy with the usual evidence of children living here.

I am pondering... which curriculum will be best for the girls next fall. There's so much to choose from and I want to make the best choice for them.

A favorite quote for today... "The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust him." Nahum 1:7

One of my favorite things... coffee and a good book. Or coffee with friends.

A few plans for the rest of the week: Not a whole lot going on for the week but we'll end the weekend celebrating a certain birthday!

A peek into my day... I see another cup of coffee, possibly a walk and a home visit from my facilitator this afternoon. 

Sunday's Song: Jesus Messiah

He became sin, who knew no sin 

That we might become His righteousness 

He humbled himself and carried the cross 

Love so amazing, love so amazing 

Jesus Messiah, name above all names 

Blessed redeemer, Emmanuel 

The rescue for sinners, the ransom from Heaven 

Jesus Messiah, Lord of all 

His body the bread, his blood the wine 

Broken and poured out all for love 

The whole earth trembled, and the veil was torn 

Love so amazing, love so amazing, yeah 

Jesus Messiah, name above all names 

Blessed redeemer, Emmanuel 

The rescue for sinners, the ransom from Heaven 

Jesus Messiah, Lord of all 

All I hope is in You, all I hope is in You 

All the glory to You, God, the light of the world 

Jesus Messiah, name above all names 

Blessed redeemer, Emmanuel 

The rescue for sinners, the ransom from Heaven 

Jesus Messiah, Lord of all

He rescued me. He paid my ransom. And I give him all the glory!

Happy Sunday!

A Type of Respite

This week, my older kids have been on spring break. A couple months ago, I was gifted with passes for the West Edmonton Mall World Water Park from a family member. I had saved them for this week because I knew most other schools were back in session, having had their break already. Last year, we did it and we took Sarah. I don't think it was good or bad, just different and a little tougher. She is overwhelmed by the noises and chaos and gets cold quickly. It also meant that someone had to be with her at all times so either myself, Joshua or Andrea ended up in the shallow end or kiddie pools. Sarah also doesn't like her head or face wet which proved to be difficult in a water park setting as well. When this week rolled around, after a lot of thought and consideration, I knew it would be in her best interest if she didn't come. Instead, she spent five busy hours playing with Grandma!

It really tugged at my heart that it was best that she didn't come. So often, I look forward to introducing things like this to my kids and I desire full inclusion, especially as a homeschooler. I wanted her to come. I wanted to share the experience with her and I wanted her to enjoy it. But in the very same breath, I wanted my older three kids to have as much fun as possible and that couldn't happen when one of us had to watch Sarah.

When we arrived, I'll admit it took me a while to fully enjoy myself. Once the kids and I were up to our necks in waves and enjoying each other immensely, I knew I made the right decision. Joshua and I went on a few slides together and the connections with each other that I saw in my older three kids filled my heart with joy. Andrea and Joshua kept a close eye on Arianna and made sure no one bowled her over with a tube. We shared some snacks and drinks together and we ended our time with Joshua and I taking a ride on the zip line!

I am so blessed by Doug's mom who shared an entire afternoon with Sarah, playing in puddles, eating snacks and watching preschool cartoons. I think if she came, it would have been alright but probably not as carefree feeling as it was. It allowed me to fully embrace my older three, and giving them the opportunity to do something without being held back by Sarah and her needs. I know how important it is to do things like this once in a while so that they can enjoy being who they are.

 ** Picture courtesy of Grandma**

"Sarah splashed in grandmas puddle for about ten minutes ...

till the boots overflowed, and she announced she was now cold!"

Christ the Lord is Risen Today (UPBEAT)

Happy Easter! Christ has risen, he has risen indeed! Hallelujah!

1. Christ the Lord is ris’n today, Alleluia!
   Sons of men and angels say, Alleluia!
   Raise your joys and triumphs high, Alleluia!
   Sing, ye heav’ns, and earth, reply, Alleluia!
2. Lives again our glorious King, Alleluia!
   Where, O death, is now thy sting? Alleluia!
   Once He died our souls to save, Alleluia!
   Where thy victory, O grave? Alleluia!
3. Love’s redeeming work is done, Alleluia!
   Fought the fight, the battle won, Alleluia!
   Death in vain forbids His rise, Alleluia!
   Christ hath opened paradise, Alleluia!
4. Soar we now where Christ hath led, Alleluia!
   Foll’wing our exalted Head, Alleluia!
   Made like Him, like Him we rise, Alleluia!
   Ours the cross, the grave, the skies, Alleluia!

Andrea's Testimony

*This was typed out by myself but the words are all Andrea's. I corrected spelling and grammar but other than that, the writing is her own.*

Andrea’s Testimony

April 6, 2014

Since grade five, I have been determined to grow out my hair past my knees. I had set a goal and was working towards it. In grade six, I had gone to get a trim. Just an inch off then ends to clean the split ends. The hair dresser got talking to my mum and by the end, had layered it and cut it to about my shoulder blades. I was really disappointed and sad.

Later, when my ends were splitting again, I cut it myself. I braided it and trimmed the ends because I was so addicted to my hair and couldn’t trust a hair dresser. 

It was on a Wednesday (March 26), that I decided to cut it and not just a trim or even a couple of inches. I needed to get rid of it. It became an idol in a way. I was obsessed with growing it and caring for it. There was also the fact that it wasn’t manageable anymore. I hated showering because it took forever and brushing it was a pain. Plus, it was beginning to hurt my neck and scalp. 

I cried for an hour on Thursday night and then I prayed. I begged God to give me an answer, I needed Him to tell me what to do. After praying from 1:00 am till 2:00 am, I opened my Bible and read the ten commandments because I thought it might help. And it did. I read over it twice and then asked God to tell me what to do. I was especially drawn to verses 3 to 6 which read: 

“3. You shall have no other gods before me. 4. You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. 5 You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, 6. but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments." (Exodus 20: 3-6)

My hair had become an idol to me and I felt that God was telling me He wanted to be more important in my life than my hair. The next day, I cut it to the length it is now which is about 20 inches shorter! And I couldn’t stop smiling. I’m really happy with it and I know God helped me chose the right thing to do. I feel like like I have been released of a burden that had a firm hold of me and God has helped me grow in Him. 

Thankful Thursday

• It's been almost two weeks since Sarah's dental work and I am so happy to report that she is healing nicely.  She's finally allowed me to put a toothbrush in, but she is still hesitant and I can't brush for long. Her eating habits are back to normal (for her) and she's eating pretty much all her favorites again. A new food that she loves now is oatmeal, or as she calls it "rice". We will go for a follow up in six months to see how things are looking. 
• Today is the day before my kids' spring break. They've been working really hard, especially Joshua as all his online teachers are beginning PAT prep. I am looking forward to taking the next 10 days off!
• I am thankful for a small prayer group that I am part of which includes myself and three other ladies. It is a time of prayer, sharing and spiritual growth. It has been such a blessing to watch our faith and relationships grow in Christ as we encourage one another.
• Philippians 4:6-8 <--- link="">

Sunday's Song: The River

To the river I am going bringing sins I cannot bear 
Come and cleanse me, come forgive me Lord I need to meet you there 

In these waters, healing mercy flows with freedom from despair 
I am going, to that river Lord I need to meet you there 

Precious Jesus, I am ready to surrender every care 
Take my hand now, lead me closer Lord I need to meet you there 

Come and join us, in the river Come find life beyond compare 
He is calling, He is waiting Jesus longs to meet you there 
He is calling, He is waiting Jesus longs to meet you there 

Precious Jesus, I am ready to surrender every care 
Take my hand now, lead me closer Lord I need to meet you there 
Take my hand now, lead me closer Lord I need to meet you there

I took the line: "He is calling, He is waiting Jesus longs to meet you there" and I changed the word "you" to "me".  

"He is calling, He is waiting Jesus longs to meet ME there" 

That is my personal invitation from Him. He is waiting for me. He is longing to meet me. I am so thankful that God is patient. Even in times of sadness, discouragement and worry, when we can tend to fall away from Him, he waits. Patiently. The week leading up to Sarah's surgery was terrible. One day I might get into detail on how I grew from it but not today. 

His hand is always open to take. 

Wordless Wednesday

 

She has waited so long for spring to arrive!!

Sunday's Song (on Tuesday): Hungry

On Sunday, Andrea led worship at church which included an awesome testimony of hers. One of the songs she chose spoke some very powerful and honest words to me, especially after last week which was just a rough one all around. Once again, I'm grateful for the talented musicians and artists who can put into song what my heart is saying. 

Hungry, I come to You

For I know You satisfy

I am empty but I know

Your love does not run dry

Chorus:

So I wait for You

So I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees

Offering all of me

Jesus, You're all this heart 

Is living for

Broken, I run to You 

For Your arms are open wide

I am weary but I know

Your touch restores my life

Chorus

I'm falling on my knees

Offering all of me

Jesus, You're all this heart 

Is living for

Hungry, I come to You

For I know You satisfy

I am empty but I know

Your love does not run dry

24 Hours Later...

If you missed yesterday's post, you can find it HERE.

The morning dawned bright and early as Sarah's IV induced "nap" yesterday made her think that 3:30am was a good time to get up. I managed to stall her off for an hour but when she started to make her way downstairs, I figured I better follow. I sleepily made a coffee for me and a bowl of oatmeal for Sarah. We snuggled on the couch watching Netflix movies for the next hour.

Thankfully, she agreed with me that we could watch the same movie on my iPad in the bed. I dozed off and on till 6:30 when she decided that was enough and we made our way back downstairs, this time for good. During the morning, she was busy playing with her toys and acting very normal, although she hadn't had much to drink. She had extreme moments in the morning which consisted of either super playful or snuggling in my arms and consequently, crashed mid afternoon. We had a worship practice here this afternoon and during the music playing, she actually fell asleep in my arms.

It has been a very long time since I've had the feeling of a sleeping little person in my arms and it was pure joy.

When she woke up, she was insistent on a peanut butter sandwich and after checking with my sister in law, decided that it would be alright for her to have it. It was as if that was the boost she needed to get through the afternoon. She downed a couple cups of iced tea (whatever works!) and has been both playing and watching movies for the remainder of the day. I think she's recovering nicely although she's insisting on me being near her all the time. I think she's suffering from a slight case of post traumatic stress, which in her case is completely understandable. I am thankful that each day will arrive with a little more healing and she'll continue to feel better.

Dental Update

Our appointment for today was slated for sometime between 11:00 & 12:00. We arrived on time (no snowstorm today) and were quickly admitted into pre-op. She was given a wrist band and as you can see in the picture below, and that hand was rendered useless until we left for home. Moments later, we headed to the back room and Sarah started to get very suspicious and began to cry. They weighed and measured her, then ushered us to curtained room so she could change into hospital pyjamas, have her blood pressure taken and get a temperature reading. They also applied a numbing cream to her feet for the IV. Once that was all done, Sarah and I headed back to wait some more with Doug. I brought my iPad and she brought the comforts of her choice: a pink puppy, a kitty from Danielle, "small puppy" from Miss. Lesa and a blanket.

A big part of what makes an event like this so hard is that Sarah doesn't understand what is going on. Even when we told her (minutes before going into the OR) that a special doctor was going to fix her teeth, she didn't comprehend it. It doesn't make sense to her and she can't understand why her desperate pleas of "I wan' to go home" remain unanswered. I could only respond with "soon" and "later" and she wasn't very impressed with my noncommittal answer.

Over all, this waiting part went fairly smoothly. She was happy enough to watch "Frozen" or the other cartoons on the wall mounted TV. Around 11:35, we were called back again, this time for the real deal. Her cries became more pronounced and she was so very unhappy. Right away, we met with the nurse, anesthesiologist and the dentist; all who would be working with Sarah. I was gowned and capped up so that I could be with Sarah until she was asleep. The mask was placed over her and within a few seconds, the fighting and tears subsided as she slipped into dreamland. The dentist escorted me back to Doug where I finally fell apart. I had wanted to be so strong for Sarah and let her know that it would all be okay, and I did. We headed to the cafeteria to get some lunch but it wasn't long before I needed to go back to the waiting room. I loved how Doug said "I know you well enough, I know where you want to be." The pager went off around 1:00 and we met with Dr. K to discuss what procedures had taken place. My sister in law (who is a nurse) popped in to visit just as the dentist came into the room. 

Sarah's dental work was quite extensive. She received six caps, one filling and two extractions. Her poor baby molars were such a mess. I had no idea they were that bad, nor did I expect to receive news like that. As the dentist walked away, I broke down again with the combination of the shock of the news, being tired and not having eaten much. A fierce part of me needed to be with Sarah so very badly.  I didn't know if anyone knew her needs or her level of comprehension. Since she was still in immediate recovery, we had to wait another 10 minutes or so before we could see her. 

Sleeping in my arms (her face is covered so there is no picture of how rough she looked)

Finally, when we arrived in the room, it took most of my will power not to climb over the rail into bed with her. Once the guard was down, I climbed on the bed and held her close. She was so very sad and looked like she had been through a boxing match. It was awful. Her whole mouth was swollen, her mouth was droopy, her voice was croaky from the intubation and she looked really rough. Dr. K had given Sarah an early discharge, so once she had a few sips of water and another dose of Tylenol, we were given the go ahead to leave. The lovely nurse let us out a back door so we wouldn't have to walk through the waiting room past other patients. 

The ride home was uneventful. She dozed off and on for the 30 minute drive which was a relief for me. Being at home consisted of movies for the afternoon. Her speech was really thick sounding as she still had some freezing in her cheeks and tongue. She was also VERY unbalanced. It didn't take long before she wanted to eat and quickly downed a couple bowls of oatmeal. A friend of mine came by shortly after 5:00 with a delicious meal to feed us which was such a blessing... not having to make a supper after this kind of day was a real gift. I am so grateful!

By 8:00, Sarah was snuggled in bed with me (I'm keeping her close tonight) and ready to sleep. I received a call from the dentist this evening, as she just wanted to check up on us and see how things were going. She seemed pleased with Sarah eating and drinking and left her cell number in case we needed her. She also reminded me that kids are very resilient and she would recover just fine. 

As I type this, she's curled up against me, deep in slumber-land. I'm praying that tonight is peaceful and uneventful.

I am so thankful for those who covered Doug, Sarah and I in prayers today. I could feel the peace of Jesus over me, even when it was really hard. I appreciate the encouraging texts and I hope you all know how special you are to our family. 

Quick Update

Since I took a big Facebook break last winter, I've been posting considerably less than what I used to in the past. I update with my blog, an occasional picture and an update once in a while. I thought that I'd give an update on Sarah for those of you who enjoy my blog and would like to know how things are.

Last fall, Sarah saw a dentist for some concerns that I had. Upon a quick examination, it was clear that there was some work to be done but due to her lack of cooperation, we determined that IV sedation would be the only way to get her teeth fixed. In December we received a call saying that her appointment would be on April 4. That date seemed so far away at the time. All of winter, Christmas, my birthday... and now here we are two days before and the appointment is approaching very fast.

I hate having to do things for Sarah that will be extremely stressful on her, even though I know it's in her best interest. So much will happen to her on Friday and I will be powerless to save or rescue her. The numbing cream on her hands, the funny hospital pyjamas, the overall strange smells and sounds of a hospital... all these things that will put her already ultra sensitive sensory issues into overload. I think unless you've been there, you may not even be able to understand the scope of how hard it can be. She begs me to take her home with tears rolling down her face and I feel like I betray her because I can't simply save her. She trusts me for everything in her life. For food, water, safety and protection. That's my job; to protect and advocate for her. I'm not going to deny her the opportunity to have her teeth fixed even though it will just be one of those very hard days. I am SO thankful that Doug's work has been able to get our insurance sorted out early (before him being there for three full months) so that this procedure will be covered in part. I am also very grateful that he works in a place that it sensitive to family issues and can allow him the day off to spend with Sarah and I.

Tomorrow between 1:00 & 2:00, I have to call the hospital for my Friday appointment time. That's the soonest that I'll know more. Because she won't be able to eat after mid-night, I am really hoping for an early morning slot. It would be so nice to be done as soon as possible and come home to recover.

Forgiveness

I recently had a very personal lesson in forgiveness. I had done wrong to someone and hurt them. After a short time, I apologized and they quickly forgave me. It seemed simple enough except that the guilt that clung to my heart was agonizing. Thinking about what I did would immediately bring me to tears. I spent the week feeling terrible. I read my Bible, I prayed but it seemed like I could not let go of the pain and lay it at Jesus' feet. I think I knew that if I would just release it, then my heart would feel free again. It was such an incredible burden to cling on to and was as if I were chained down.

After sharing this experience with someone, they texted me this verse from 1 Peter 4:8 "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." There is no doubt in my mind that I love this person and I alway will. Could I let myself believe that once they forgave me, love would blanket my sin? Psalm 55:22 also reminded me, "Give your worries to the Lord, and he will take care of you." 

Colossions 3:13 says "Forgive, as the Lord forgave you." This means we need to forgive ourselves and often that is just as hard as forgiving someone. During this struggle I read online, "Failing to forgive yourself will put blinders on your spiritual eyesight quickly. It will cause you to see things through the eyes of guilt, shame and condemnation. It will ruin your faith, and cause you to go blind spiritually." (cited from HERE) That got me to the core. I have been wanting a grander relationship with Jesus and I had recently made huge strides in my walk with Him and here I was holding on to this guilt that was blinding me spiritually. I knew something had to change.

This event consumed my thoughts for four whole days. It was eating me up. Although, I don't recall the turning point, I can remember physically opening my hands and letting the pain of guilt be taken away. It was almost immediately that I felt a lifting of a weight off my chest and shoulders. This negative feeling had taken such a hold on me and I finally felt relieved and free. What a joy to be released from the chains of guilt and I am so thankful that my God is patient and loving and has taught me to forgive.

Cerebral Palsy Awareness 2014

Today is Cerebral Palsy awareness day. Something I knew very little about up until a few years ago.

November 24, 2011. Sarah received a diagnosis of cerebral palsy, which was likely caused by oxygen deprivation early on in my pregnancy. Up until this point, I'd only heard of that term and on that day, it became personal. Medically speaking, Sarah's "corpus callosum" is slightly thinned.  This means that the connection between the two halves of the brain is not as thick as it should be, therefore causing the delays. In Doug's not so medical terms, he confirmed that Sarah's brain is simply wired differently.  Not wrong or bad, just different. They also found that there is "periventricular white matter", consistent with "periventricular gliosis", WHICH as I understood, was the cause of her balance issues. Over the past few years, Sarah's balance has become more stable, although she is much more "stumblier" than other kids her age. We still tend to wince as she runs around corners or walks past the corner of the counter top. 

Cerebral palsy (CP) is a disorder that affects muscle tone, movement, and motor skills (the ability to move in a coordinated and purposeful way). Cerebral palsy can also lead to other health issues, including vision, hearing, and speech problems, and learning disabilities.

CP is usually caused by brain damage that occurs before or during a child's birth, or during the first 3 to 5 years of a child's life. There is no cure for CP, but treatment, therapy, and special equipment can help a child who is living with the condition.  Cerebral palsy affects muscle control and coordination, so even simple movements like standing still are difficult. Other vital functions that also involve motor skills and muscles such as breathing, bladder and bowel control, eating, and learning may also be affected when a child has CP. Cerebral palsy does not get worse over time. (Cited from here)

What is Cerebral Palsy?

- While cerebral palsy is a blanket term commonly referred to as CP and described by loss or impairment of motor function, cerebral palsy is actually caused by brain damage. The brain damage is caused by brain injury or abnormal development of the brain that occurs while a child’s brain is still developing before birth, during birth, or immediately after birth. 
- Cerebral palsy affects body movement, muscle control, muscle coordination, muscle tone, reflex, posture and balance. It can also impact fine motor skills, gross motor skills and oral motor functioning.
- Current research suggests the majority of cerebral palsy cases result from abnormal brain development or brain injury prior to birth or during labor and delivery.
- An individual with cerebral palsy will likely show signs of physical impairment. However, the type of movement disorder, the location and number of limbs involved, as well as the extent of impairment, will vary from one individual to another. It can affect arms, legs, and even the face; it can affect one limb, several, or all.
- Cerebral palsy affects muscles and a person’s ability to control them. Muscles can contract too much, too little, or all at the same time. Limbs can be stiff and forced into painful, awkward positions. Fluctuating muscle contractions can make limbs tremble, shake, or writhe.
- Balance, posture, and coordination can also be affected by cerebral palsy. Tasks such as walking, sitting, or tying shoes may be difficult for some, while others might have difficulty grasping objects.
- Other complications, such as intellectual impairment, seizures, and vision or hearing impairment also commonly accompany cerebral palsy.

Cerebral palsy is non-life-threatening: With the exception of children born with a severe case, cerebral palsy is considered to be a non-life-threatening condition. Most children with cerebral palsy are expected to live well into adulthood.
Cerebral palsy is incurable: Cerebral palsy is damage to the brain that cannot currently be fixed. Treatment and therapy help manage effects on the body.
Cerebral palsy is non-progressive: The brain lesion is the result of a one-time brain injury and will not produce further degeneration of the brain.
Cerebral palsy is permanent: The injury and damage to the brain is permanent. The brain does not heal as other parts of the body might. Because of this, the cerebral palsy itself will not change for better or worse during a person’s lifetime. On the other hand, associative conditions may improve or worsen over time.
Cerebral palsy is not contagious; it is not communicable: In the majority of cases, cerebral palsy is caused by damage to the developing brain. Brain damage is not spread through human contact. However, a person can intentionally or unintentionally increase the likelihood a child will develop cerebral palsy through abuse, accidents, medical malpractice, negligence, or the spread of a bacterial or viral infection.
Cerebral palsy is manageable: The impairment caused by cerebral palsy is manageable. In other words, treatment, therapy, surgery, medications and assistive technology can help maximize independence, reduce barriers, increase inclusion and thus lead to an enhanced quality-of-life.
Cerebral palsy is chronic: The effects of cerebral palsy are long-term, not temporary. An individual diagnosed with cerebral palsy will have the condition for their entire life.

**All information on this post was taken directly from MY CHILD.  I do not claim any part of this is as my own** 

There are many different degrees of cerebral palsy, with a large spectrum. Sarah falls on the mild end. Most of her delays are caused by the severe microcephaly while the CP causes her balance to be off a bit. I think it is also the cause of her weaker muscle tone in her legs and why she drags her toes when she walks. 

I have gone through a lot of moments of grief and sadness over the past two years. Some days, I'm still really sad that she will never catch up to her peers, and rather the gap will continue to increase. They will get further and further ahead and while Sarah will develop, it will be at a much slower pace than them. I am sad for what opportunities she may not have and I worry about how others treat her, especially since she acts so much younger than five.

It only takes a glimpse of her and her amazingly contagious smile to see what a blessing she is to me. She is almost always joyful. She shines with happiness and frequently checks in with her family with a "Are you happy?" She is easy to please and loves life. As long as there is Curious George, her baby, bananas and pink cheerios, then that's all that matters in her little world. I am blessed!

Sunday's Song: I Need Thee Every Hour

Lately I've been thinking and singing these words so passionately. How desperately I need Him all the time. He is my strength, He is my comfort, He is my shelter. This weekend, I am thankful for his forgiveness and his wonderful mercies. 

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;

No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.

I need Thee, O I need Thee;

Every hour I need Thee;

O bless me now, my Saviour,

I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby;

Temptations lose their power when Thou art nigh.

I need Thee, O I need Thee;

Every hour I need Thee;

O bless me now, my Saviour,

I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;

Come quickly and abide, or life is in vain.

I need Thee, O I need Thee;

Every hour I need Thee;

O bless me now, my Saviour,

I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour; teach me Thy will;

And Thy rich promises in me fulfill.

I need Thee, O I need Thee;

Every hour I need Thee;

O bless me now, my Saviour,

I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, most Holy One;

O make me Thine indeed, Thou blessed Son.

I need Thee, O I need Thee;

Every hour I need Thee;

O bless me now, my Saviour,

I come to Thee.