Wednesday, July 13, 2011

In Loving Memory - Part 2

Here are some thoughts that have gone through my mind today:
  • Do people remember this day and why it is so hard and painful for me?  I know they used to but I wonder if over time, others have just forgotten...
  • I wish that on July 13 of every year, I could have a few hours to myself.  To think, cry, read, sleep... whatever I wanted, without having to think about the kids.  I feel that is one of the harder parts.  I have no time alone to be sad.
  • I would have liked to have bought myself a bouquet of yellow roses.  They were my mom's favorite and because they were, I've become quite fond of them myself.  My dad used to do that for me.
  • I don't think that over time, it gets easier.  The pain is still there and although, maybe not as fresh as it was 12 years ago, this is one of the hardest days in a year. 
  • Someone used to call me on this day.  I miss that friend a lot. 
  • I feel sad (and even a bit angry) at those who do not have a good relationship with their mom.  I'd do just about anything to have mine back.
  • She would be the one person I could talk honestly and openly to about anything.
(Not bad, the tears just started now)
  • I'm sad that she didn't get to see more of her children get married or more grandkids be born.  She would have loved and doted on every single one of them.  
  • I feel like I've been short changed on life.  I don't have the opportunity to tell her about the kids, their successes, their joys and their tears.  What would she think about my choices in how I've raised them?
  • She was such a strong woman in her faith.... I feel so immature when I compare myself to her.  As of late (with Sarah stuff), I've faltered and stumbled in my walk with God.  
  • I feel alone.  I am very thankful for the prayers that friends offer but it just doesn't fill the void... at least not today.
  • For many years I embraced the role of the "Big Sister" which forced me to keep my feelings in check, especially when on of my siblings were feeling down.  I often put on the brave, happy face that I felt I needed to show them.  Thankfully, I've let my guard down and allow myself to be sad and emotional when I need to.
  • I am thankful for the years I had.  She taught me how to be a homemaker, wife and mom.  So much of how I do things is because that's the way she did it.  
  • I hope for a long life on earth, watching my children grow up and growing old with Doug.  I am so thankful for eternal life in Heaven.  I look forward to one day being reunited with her, just as she was with her mom.
  • Something I try so hard at believing (but don't always do such a good job of) is written on her headstone: GOD IS AND ALL IS WELL
I may add more later.  This is all that's coming to me now.


  1. I love that you share these thoughts openly Stephanie. I can only imagine how hard this day must be for you each year. I wish I could give you a big hug, or that I could have come watch the kids for you for a few hours so you'd have that time you need today to be alone with your feeling. ((hugs))

  2. I love that you blog and share your feelings Stephanie. I wish I could have been there for you today to give you a hug, and take the kids from you for a few hours so you could have had some time alone with your feelings. ((hugs))

  3. I agree...I love how open, raw, and honest you are. I am sure your mother is smiling down on you and your family each day. She is proud of you...your kids...the family you have. You inspire so many and your mother raised a beautiful woman...inside and out!



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