14 years ago...

I had no idea that when said good bye after a family wiener roast just a day or two earlier, I wouldn't ever see my mom alive again.

July. 13. 1999. The date that will be forever etched in my mind. The day that my mom took her final breath on earth and went home to be with her eternal Father. As I've put her memories in the forefront of my mind the past few days, I find it hard to create, yet another blog post. So I'm using the one I wrote in 2011. Very little has changed. I've gotten older, the kids keep growing and time doesn't stop. In fact, it's hard to believe she's been gone for 14 years already. There was a time where I was sure I wouldn't be able to survive. But I have. This is what I found that I wrote two years ago:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

July 13, 2011:

Today I found the words that I spoke at my Mom's funeral.  It's quite long but I thank you for hearing my heart.  Also remember, I was quite a bit younger and in emotional turmoil.  Any quotes from my Mom are in italics.

"My mom put her whole life in God's hands. Much of what I will try to say today is from the journals she wrote in. Shortly before her surgery in April, she had written: 

“How could I leave? How could my family make it without me? All I could do was hang onto my faith that night and over the next few days. God took me through the valley. His answer was simple, 'I love you and I love your family and no matter what the outcome, I will take care of all of you.'”

She continues to write:

“God will help John and the kids through and I have to trust Him to just that. My mom died when I was 29 in 1984 and I felt I was much too young. My kids are younger and I can't even think of what it would be like for them. My greatest fear is that they will turn away from God in anger.”

I truly believe the opposite has happened. My faith in God has become much stronger since her illness began in December of 1997. She was a light that shone to me and helped me get through the storms. After reading numerous journals, I know that it was God who helper her along and it is God who will continue to help me along as well.

The next thing I want to say came from a piece she wrote titled On Being a Mom. It is too long to read entirely so I chose some special lines.

“I love my children and it has always been important to me that they know it and feel it. I hugged and kissed my babies, they often fell asleep on my chest. I tried to tell them I loved them. I used words, actions, and connections. I tried to listen and really hear them. I tried to make each feel special, protected, encouraged and obedient. I tried to mold their behaviour so they would be likeable children. I tried to teach them clear moral standards and the meaning of loyalty and sharing. I encouraged them to be their own person. I taught them to work hard and do their best. To live with gusto and enthusiasm.”

After reading that, I realized that I want to be the mom to Joshua that she was to me. I feel that those are a set of guidelines that I need to follow and raise my own son by. I hope I do a good job. The last thing I want to quote is a prayer Mom wrote on August 4, 1998.

“Father in Heaven, I ask in the name of your Son Jesus, that through the power of the Holy Spirit, that I may be healed completely. Fully and totally healed and restored. I long to be whole and physically strong. Please hear my prayer O God.”

The first time I read that, I was angry with God. Why didn't He answer her desperate plea? Why couldn't he have done that for her? Then I began to realize that He did. Maybe not the way we would have wanted – to have her earthy heart healed – but I know her Heavenly heart is beating in perfect rhythm. She is running down the streets of gold praising the God she fully trusted. She is a witness to me and I have learned a lot from her and her personal testimony. I thank God for the special times I shared with her after Joshua was born and I will treasure those days forever. I would just like to add:

Mom, you taught me everything I know – how to cook, clean, and bake; how to be a good wife and mom. You were the best teacher in the world, and as my role model, I hope I continue to live the way you would have wanted me to. I will never forget the many talks we had and any time I have a cup of tea, I'll be thinking of you.  You were my best friend in the whole world and I wasn't ready to say good-bye.  We are both too young to lose each other and I still need you more than ever.  On Tuesday morning, I promised I would take care of Joshua for you, and I know you'll be watching out for us.   I love you Mom and will miss you always."

Yesterday, Doug's parents stopped by. With these for me:

 When we had these family pictures done, my dad had requested 

one of just my mom. The photographer did an

amazing job of capturing her beauty, inside and out.

Mother's Day

This particular Sunday of each year fills me with so many ups and downs. I travel the emotional roller coaster all day, experiencing joyous highs and tearful lows. It'll begin with a sweet kiss from my 'baby' as she declares she is hungry. At 6:45 in the morning. And then a warm hug from each of my older kids who are getting taller by the day. 

Then I'll read a Facebook post about a friend who is spending the day with her mom. And I'm not. And once again I'm caught off guard by the tears that threaten to slide down my cheeks. I cry at the unfairness of not being able to celebrate with the woman who I called "Mom" for 23 years. 

Today was spent with my sister and her family. Another mom that I love with all my heart. We were surrounded by our husbands and kids... All who love us both so much. We're planning to head to a park, barbecue hot dogs and hang out before Doug, the kids and I make the trek back home. 

At one point, no one was in the house but me and as I was looking at a picture of my mom, the tears forced their way out again. It's been almost 14 years since she left this earth and although I've learned to deal with the grief differently, it still hurts. A lot. 

I married a man who has an amazing mother. Even though she has never tried to take my mom's place, she has done a wonderful job of being there for me. Our relationship has gotten stronger as I've gotten older and I value the times we spend together. Plus, she's an amazing grandma!

Today is a day that holds a lot of different feelings. I will have fun with my own kids and I also don't think there's anything wrong with me taking some time to be sad. 

Happy Mother's Day to all my mom readers. Have a wonderful day!

She missed me

Arianna is growing up at a crazy rate.  Inside and out.  She longs to be bigger like her older siblings, wanting to do what they do.  Last night, she was planning to spend the night at her friend's house (which she's done before a few times).  I received a phone call at 10:00 saying that a little girl needed her mom.  My heart did a little flip as heard that.  At 7 years old, she is wanting to be so independent and at the same time, still needing to be close to home.  When Doug brought her in, we snuggled on the bed for a bit and then I tucked her in under her own covers. 

I'm glad she's still my little girl!  Don't grow up too fast Sweetheart.

Today...

I'm kind of in a melancholy, sad mood this evening.

Sarah and I had a Play & Say group this morning.  It was essentially an hour of watching and interacting with her as she played with all kinds of toys.  It was an opportunity for the Speech Pathologist to observe her in a more comfortable and casual setting compared to the first assessment.  The SP did notice that Sarah's talking overall was much better than when they first saw her in May.  I did explain that I didn't feel the initial meeting gave Sarah a fair chance to show what she could say since the setting was new and strange and she has a real fear of medical facilities.  Thankfully, today Sarah was really chatty and we were given some good tools on how to work with her.  I worked really hard at not putting up the barrier walls that I so desperately wanted to build.  Walls that would harden my heart and close my ears to hear what they had to say.  I think I did okay.

I am certainly thankful for our healthcare system.  The resources that I've used (speech and home visits) are free.  I'm not having to pay out of pocket for them.  I guess it still hurts me inside that I *need* to use them.  I've heard all the well-wishers tell me that she'll do great, she'll benefit from it... all that good stuff.  I love and cherish the encouragement and prayers coming from everyone but my heart is so very sad.  The tears just seem to come so easily lately when I think of how far she has to come to *catch up*.  It is really hard to see other kids her age and even younger who don't have the delays that Sarah does.  To hear other two and three year old talk in 5-8 word sentences that are completely understandable is not only hard but it hurts me.  I'm the only one in Sarah's world that understands most (if not all) of what she says.  Doug and the kids can understand lots as well but we really have to watch for context when she speaks. 

I borrowed a book from my friend Karen, called Prayer Saturated Kids and I fear how my kids can be prayer saturated if I'm not.  If I don't model  true faith in God and trust Him, how can they?  Tonight I read the following:

"For various reasons, God sometimes doesn't answer our prayers in the way we've asked.  Perhaps the request is not within His will.  Other times we waver in our faith.  Other times our prayers are not answered immediately because our request is not within God's timing.  The bottom line is that no matter what happens, keep trusting God.  He is faithful."  Page 104, Prayer Saturated Kids

I know this to be true.  I know because I was brought up to know and believe it.  I guess when I was given this information and news, I felt let down.  This plethora of testing and assessments didn't fit into MY schedule or plan for Sarah.  When she was only 8 days old, we dedicated her to God.  Knowing that she was His child but ours to care for while she lives on earth.  That being said, I need to continue to work at accepting what He has laid out for her and her life.  I may not always like it but I have to do my best to work through it.  I'm far from that point.  I have lots of emotions to work through.  This just happens to be one of those tough days.   There's a small part of me that just feels like I'm alone in this and that no one understands.

Thank you for reading this and encouraging me.  I do my best to accept all the love and prayers that everyone gives me... I'll keep plugging through it and we'll be alright.

Retreat

The past two weeks have been crazy busy with appointments and such with Sarah.  With the busyness came a needy and clingy toddler.  Asking to be up, to "see" what I was doing and just wanting to be with me.  She was constantly pulling on my leg and it seemed she was always underfoot.  I have even tripped over her a few times.  I (guiltily) would stall off picking her up since there were dishes to clean, meals to make, a house to tidy, laundry to fold.... the list is miles long.  This afternoon as I was blogging in my room, I saw a tiny fuzzy head peek around the corner and a big grin shone behind the soother that was in Sarah's mouth.  Normally, she doesn't have them during the day but one must have been hiding in her toy basket or she's intentionally stashing them.  I lifted her up onto the big king sized bed that I was on and there we hung out for two hours.

Just me and her.  We dressed (and undressed) some dolls, played with geometric shapes and watched cartoons.  Good therapy for both of us. Even now, I am typing one handed as she's snuggled up against my chest and my arm is around her.  I like being needed.

Morning Person

I am one of them.  Always have been, always will be.  Today Sarah woke me, wanting to nurse a bit.  Easy for her and she goes back to sleep.  Me, I start the wheels in my head rolling.  Thinking about my girls having a sleepover down the road.  About Joshua who is fighting a cold and wondering if he needs his inhalers.  About Doug who came in really late after an evening filled with conversation with a good friend.  About how super quiet and peaceful it is on the acreage.  I thought about what I have to make before heading to my sister's this afternoon. 
Sure enough, after about 20 minutes of *thinking*, I knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep.  I rolled Sarah over because she WAS sleeping again and just got up.  I had a moment of wishing I could fall asleep again but knew it would be pointless to just lay in bed. 
I genuinely like being a morning person.  I enjoy the time alone.  With homeschooling three of the four kids, I find there isn't a lot of *me* time and so I take these quiet morning moments for me.  I enjoy my coffee, catch up with my Facebook friends, check the weather, read some comics and welcome the day on my own.  Slowly, my sweet littles join me.  Usually Arianna or Joshua is first.  Then Arianna or Joshua is next.  Doug usually bring Sarah down to me next.  Once we're up and moving around, Andrea gets woken up.  (Note: she is NOT a morning person)  The day is then running.  I love the busyness that my family has and I am equally thankful that something (or someone) wakes me up early enough to simply enjoy the quiet of the house. 

Day trip....

On Thursday, Doug and I decided at the spur of the moment to take the kids to Fort Edmonton Park.  We quickly scrambled and got the five kids (ours plus a friend of Joshua's) loaded into the van.  I was excited and happy to be heading out with the family!  It was a great experience to relive and visit the eras that the Fort showed us.  The four main eras were the original Fort which was the hub of the fur trade, 1885, 1905, and 1920.  The kids loved seeing how people lived over 100 years ago and it was great to see them really think about how previous generations lived.

We may not realize it but we take something as simple as running water for granted.  Today Joshua, Andrea, Arianna and Bryce learned that it wasn't always as easy as unreeling a garden hose to water the plants.

Pumping the well

Hauling water to the front to give the plants a drink.

I wish in retrospect that we had bought the two day pass.  One day didn't seem to be nearly enough time to go through it all and get the full experience.

The back side of the main house in the original Fort.

A wall of supplies in the fur trading house.

A sod roof... great insulation for our extreme summers and winters.

The kids looking over a wall into the sheep pen.

The ol' steam engine.

Pretty ladies waiting for the train.

Two very hot boys!!

We had ice cream in an ice cream parlour, walked along seemingly endless boardwalks (very thankful for a good stroller), relived the "olden days" and rode a good old fashioned carousel.  The kids spend some time at the shooting range in the Penny Arcade and Andrea was later reprimanded (in fun of course) by the fine ladies at Rutherford House that ladies shouldn't take part in those types of activities.  

It was hot and mosquito-y.  My poor Sarah's head feels like a ball of braille when I feel her head.  They attacked her arms, legs and back as well!  By the next morning, she was rubbing and scratching all over.  

But, heat and bugs aside, it was a wonderful day.  The kids were well behaved, we all learned a lot and had a great time as a family.

Two

Sarah is now two. 
Two means lots of "no" from both of us.
Two is defiant in a way that helps her express her feelings.
Two is exciting as she learns so many new things.
She's conquered the stairs, up and down.  Pleased as can be about it too.
Two is scared of loud noises like lawn mowers, machines, thunder or dogs barking.
Two requires discipline.  Redirecting, a scolding or a tap on the hand.  
Some parts of being two are tougher than others. 
Two is full of hugs and kisses on demand.
Two is loving and sweet.
Two wants independence and yet is still so dependent.
I love two.  Learning and absorbing things like a sponge.
Trying new challenges and conquering their world.

Pure Sweetness

I woke up this morning to a little two year old snuggled up against me.  I must not have brought her back to her bed when she woke up at 1:15 in the morning.  There is a joy in my heart when I see her little face smooshed in the bed, her right hand grasping the soother that's tight in her mouth, and her little bottom high in the air.  Slowly she stretched, cat-like... fingers splayed, soother pops out, legs stretch as far as she can (wow she's getting tall!).  She turned over to her side, tried to open her eyes and gave me a smile that can win any one's heart.  Oh, I'm so blessed!

In a mood...

and it's not a good one.  I have tolerated Doug's working on the road and even accepted it.  It is part of the job.  Perhaps though because this is the first week of the next four when I can anticipate long weeks alone.  Tonight Arianna was sick to her stomach and Sarah was crying at the same time and then Doug called.  Said he was sorry, that he couldn't do much from where he was at (12 hours away) and that he loved me.  I had a hard time feeling the *love* as I cleaned puke from my bed, the floor, the little girl and began laundry at 10:00 at night.  I know he loves me... long distance love is just tough.

Sleeping Through the Night

... is something my children do not do well at.  Plain and simple.  It seems that as of late, I have been hearing a lot about how Sarah does not sleep through the night yet.  I would love it if I could put her down at 7:00 knowing that I wouldn't hear her again until the morning but that's not the case.  I can pretty much guarantee she will be up by 10:00 or the second Doug turns off his lamp.  If I put her in the crib, she will cry for me by about 2:00 in the morning.  On the other hand, if I snuggle with her in our bed, she will sleep straight until 7:00.  

Tonight I read something that made me feel less guilty about her inability to sleep without waking up.  It was in the blog Peaceful Parenting (Tuesday, December 1, 2009).  Rather than make you go there and read what I did, I'm going to highlight some of the points that I really appreciated reading:

1. Every baby is different, and some sleep through the night earlier than others.
2. Sleeping through the night is a developmental milestone - like walking or toilet training - that your baby will reach when she is ready to.
3. One of the main reasons that night-waking babies are such a big issue is that parents don't have realistic expectations of the sleep patterns of babies.
4. Remember that night waking in babies and young children is normal and temporary
5. Your goal is to maximize sleep for everyone in the family, while respecting the needs of your child.  

I'll be honest, I would love Sarah to sleep a blissful 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep.  It sounds divine.  But, maybe that's just not who she is... yet.  I am sure that ONE DAY she will sleep through the night.   But until then, I will continue to love her back to sleep.  Crying it out doesn't work for me (I tried) and so I will do what I know works.  She won't be in our bed forever and waking up during the night will one day come to an end. 

Poor Baby

Just can't seem to catch a healthy break.  As of Friday, Sarah had been fighting a cold and runny nose for two weeks.  I kept her home from church, I stayed home from Easter dinners, we layed really low.  We finally made it to church on Saturday night and Sarah was great.  She was playing well, chatting lots and appeared to be feeling well.  I put her to bed and everything seemed good, even up to her midnight waking.  It was at that time I noticed something was up because she didn't settle once I picked her up.  But I took her to bed, snuggled her close to me and we fell asleep.  She slept great until 8:00 which is actually late for her.  By 9:00, she was miserable so I put her back to bed and she slept for an additional two hours!  When she woke up, I noticed she was quite warm so I took her temperature... 103.4*.  Poor poor baby!  She was shakey, crying and just unhappy.  I gave her a dose of Motrin which brought it down to 100.5* in an hour.  Better but she wasn't feeling great yet.  I gave her some Tylenol just before her nap and she slept for 3 hours!  Her afternoon was spent watching a movie and snuggling on my lap.  Supper was a lost cause and bathtime was uneventful.  She was done by 6:30 and sleeping soundly shortly after.  Hopefully her night is full of rest and she wakes up feeling better tomorrow.

Mornings

My favorite time with you is first thing in the morning.
It's a good thing I'm a morning person 

and don't mind getting up early.

I genuinely enjoy our quite moments together.  No one else is awake and it's just the two of us.  After your morning nursing and snuggle in my bed we mosey downstairs since you are ready for something to eat.  You "help" me make my coffee and then we prepare your hot cereal.  

I think this is the time that I hear the most new words from you.  

There's no one to interrupt you or speak louder than you.  

You have me all to yourself and you truly appreciate having my full attention. 

Rather than wish you'd sleep in late and wake up in the rush of the day, I will enjoy each of these mornings with you.
You are my baby and I will hold on to these moments forever.

Pedicure

Last Christmas I was needing one more gift for Andrea... I decided to give her a pedicure and lunch date with me.  Today she was able to redeem her 'gift'.  We went to Boston Pizza and shared some nachos and then went off to get our feet pampered.  I have never had a pedicure before and I think I'm hooked.  The warm water, massage, scraping the dry skin off (yuck!), and painting them a fun color.  What a treat to sit back and have someone take care of you.  It was so fun just hanging out with my little girl!  It's so neat that she's growing up and we are able to do more grown up activities together.

She's Not Growing Up That Fast (really)

As a parent, so often we hear how quickly our little ones are growing up.  True, the years seem to fly by but have I heard it so much that I'm perhaps forcing her to grow up faster than she wants to.  She dances with grace and poise.  She moves smoothly and gently.  When she dresses up for church, I feel like she could pass for 12 or even 14 years old.  Yet today, I left my teary 9 year old girl at school so she could practice her solo for her spring concert.  I held her in my arms and I felt like she was five years old again.  So young, small, and needing me.  She wanted to come home so badly and I needed to encourage her to finish out the day.  Did I make the right decision to make her stay?  How long will I feel bad for leaving her?  I am now watching the clock... waiting for 4:00 to roll around so she can be with me again.  Secretly, I'm even hoping Sarah will wake up early and we can get the kids from school and I can have an extra hour with them.

You are beautiful Andrea.  You are elegant.  You are growing up.  You are still so young.  I love you.

 

** Well I have all my ducklings in my pond now.  She was no worse for wear and was delighted to be home.  I can now enjoy the next four days with my kids!**

Sick Baby

Having a sick little one is no fun.  Unless of course, that little one happens to fall asleep in your arms.  It's been months since Sarah slept on me and I simply melted in love as I listened to her heavy breathing close to my chest.  Sarah, I'm sorry you are sick but I loved our snuggle time.

 

She wouldn't eat all day until mid afternoon when I indulged her in a peanut butter cookie.

Happy New Year Mom

Arianna made me tea in bed this morning.  What a wonderful way to wake up.  She has such a big and sweet heart, I just can't help but love her to bits.

The Best Mom in the World

were the sweet words spoken to me first thing this morning.  I had gently woken up to a little arm around me that belonged to my little five year old.  Sometime during the night, Arianna had snuck into our bed.  She's been having bad dreams lately and we've always maintained an "open door" to our room during the night.  Anyhow, as I tried to roll over, realizing that my space was limited, I heard her whispering precious words to me (she thought I was still sleeping).

I love you mommy.
It's morning time.
Are you waking up yet?
I'm hungry.

So I hugged her and told her to meet me upstairs for breakfast and as she began to head up, she says to me "you are the best mom in the world". 

What a nice way to wake up.

I love you Arianna!

Hope Chest

Last night I thought I'd dig into my hope chest and begin packing up the items that are in it. As I lifted the lid, the aroma of the cedar wood drifted up and took me away to a world of memories.


I found calendars all the way from 1998... dates marked of when I took my first pregnancy test, when my 9 week old baby was booked for surgery, play dates, doctor appointments, my sister's wedding, miscarriages, the births of my daughters, when we first brought the dog home, road trips, new jobs, funerals... the list is endless.

I had a moment of wondering why I even bothered keeping these things but then thought "because it's my history". These are the events that shaped who I am, what I've become as a wife and mom, how my faith has risen and fallen. These are the events that have been such an important and intricate part of my life and more specifically, the past 12 years. So I will keep the bulky calendars.

In the bottom of my hope chest was a shoe box. Not remembering what was in it, I opened it and it took my breath away. I set the box that contained items from my Mom's funeral on the bed and began to explore the contents of it... all the cards, newspaper announcement, church bulletin, eulogy written by my uncle, tribute written by my sister and I, a letter from my brother, notes, words of encouragement from family and friends. I was taken back more than 10 years to the day that God brought her Home. I was saddened and even let some anger slip in as to why I had to experience such pain and loss at only 21 years old. I thought of all the joys that she's missed... another grandson, four granddaughters, new children in law... makes my heart hurt.


I also found many remnants from my wedding. A truly joyous day of my life. The day I united with my best friend and hero. The young man who has become my tower to lean on, my supporter, lover, my knight in shining armor, the one who knows me better than anyone else. With him we've created four wonderful children who are (for the most part) the delights of my day. They bring me joy and laughter like I've never known. They made me the person I've wanted to be since I was a little girl... a mom.


My hope chest holds so much that is close to me. It is full of memories that made me laugh, cry, and reminisce through the years. Doug lovingly built the cedar box for me for my birthday many years ago, which I now place small things that mean so much to me and need to be treasured.

Trusting Your Instincts

One Fierce Mama's blogging account of how her instincts to wear her crying baby for the first year of her life saved her young life. While many people including those in the medical profession told her to let her baby cry it out, this momma never gave way to those opinions. Take a moment to read her journey.