Fear

Have you ever been afraid of something or of doing something? I'm talking so afraid that the thought of doing it is paralyzing? I really hadn't thought of myself as being a fearful person until something occurred four weeks ago. When I received the news that I have multiple PVC's in my heart beat, I very quickly thought that walking wasn't going to be good for me any more. Looking back, obviously that wasn't (and isn't) the case but I was not to be convinced otherwise at the time. After being told the news of my heart, I stopped walking. For three weeks I didn't leave my house on foot. I couldn't even leave my driveway unless I was in the van. One morning I mustered up (what I thought was enough) courage. I tied up my shoes and headed out. And physically was unable to push myself to walk. I was paralyzed with fear and could not go further. I won't go into details about that but I'm thankful for the loving encouragement that came from some friends that morning.

This fear that I struggled with was not from God, but rather Satan who wanted to interfere with my growing relationship with God. The fear of walking also stemmed from some emotional stuff I was going through. A few days after I delivered my testimony, I began to question if I should have done it or not. I was consumed with seconding guessing myself, fearing the judgement of others and doubting if what I experienced was even real. I spent many hours pouring over my Bible, praying and asking friends to intercede in prayer as well. It was a really tough battle and at times I wondered if I'd be able to pull myself out of the pit.

During this time, God never left my side. He was patiently waiting with His hand stretched out, just longing for me to reach out and trust Him. Trust Him with my life, my health, my family, my friends, my everything. On July 29, I woke up with God saying to me "Okay Stephanie, time for reconciliation. I surrendered my guilt, fears, questioning doubt, my faults and failures and laid them at His feet. I began to have the sense that if I was able to conquer the fear of walking, a door would be opened for me and my walk with Jesus would grow to a deeper level. On August 2, I stepped out in faith and went for a short walk for the first time in 21 days.

So what did I learn?

Fear is not from God, it brings torment to our soul and it is a manifestation of the kingdom of darkness. Satan uses fear to stop us from fulfilling the call of God; it is one of the devil's greatest weapons. Fear causes doubt, second guessing and it can paralyze us from doing what is right in God's sight. It also prevents us from trusting in Him with ourselves. Second Timothy 1:7 says "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of a sound mind." God desired to free me from the bondage of fear and it was up to me to change my thinking.

Since then I have ventured on a few walks. I haven't made it up to the distance and time that I was at earlier this summer but I believe that with time it will come. God will provide me with the strength I need. He will protect me, remove my fears and doubts and NEVER leave my side.

Psalm 56:3 "What I am afraid, I will trust in you."