"Best Day Ever"

The three words Sarah speaks most often in a day are "best day ever." Last week I wrote a more serious post about what was on my heart at the time. If you missed, click HERE and you can read it.

So what constitutes a best day ever for Sarah?

• simply waking up and seeing me first thing in the morning
• letting her know minutes before we arrive that we are going to someone's house (L & K are her favorites)
• taking her out to get fries or a slurpee
• allowing her to watch another episode of Little House on the Prairie
• going to a friend's house and having the horses come and love her
• giving her the last few mouthfuls of my morning coffee
• taking her for a walk in her stroller
• licking the icing off the beaters
• meeting friends at a park to play or just taking her to a park
• having a morning bath
• eating chocolate chip cookies

And the list could go on. My point is that something so little can make her day the best one ever and it usually takes a very small amount of effort on my part. She lives in the moment and every day brings her joy which in turn brings joy to mine. I am so thankful for this small person who can make even the greyest of days into a happy and sunny one.

Camping 2015

We thought we'd go camping for the August long weekend. We are blessed to have friends who allowed us to park the motor home near the back of their property for a few days. We are equally blessed to have been able to borrow Doug's parent's motor home. This is where the word "camping" is a little grey. The motor home is 40 feet long, has a washer/dryer combo, two pullouts and dining room style chairs. And I brought my Keurig because "camp" coffee did not cut it for me. But, we did cook all our meals outside and as long as the weather cooperated, we ate outside as well.

 Doug was cooking pancakes and Arianna held up an umbrella so they wouldn't get too wet.

There was a whole lot of relaxing going on as well. The hammock was well used and we even had a little pool to cool down in as the temperatures were in the low 30's for much of the week.

Campfires were a regular part of our time as well and I think I've eaten enough hot dogs and s'mores for quite a while now.

 Our hosts got a kitten while we were there and Arianna fell in love with her.

Our hosts allowed us the use of their quads while we were there. They have acres of trails that the kids, Doug and I thoroughly enjoyed riding on. Sarah went from being terrified of the noise from the quad to asking for rides on it. Once we realized she wanted to go riding, we did get her helmet. I was so proud of her for conquering that fear.

Naps happened too. 

 

Our weekend away turned into a full week. A few trips back home were made as we needed fresh clothes and some extra food. The older two kids and Doug spent a few nights at home as they had to work during the week and it was easier for them to be at home. Arianna, Sarah and I managed to stay out for the whole time though. Sarah loved being there. Even one morning while it was raining, she was running around squealing and laughing the whole time. She loved being outside and I think she ran all. day. long. Slowing down just long enough to eat a few bites here and there and then just as quickly was off to the next adventure.

 Sarah had a swing set to play on and I'm sure she spend most of her day on it.

For some reason, my older two thought filling their mouths with marshmallows would be a good idea. I suppose it was- if you're a teenager.

Lots of this happened. Sitting by the fire and doing much relaxing.

Our last trip as a family was in 2012 when we drove all the way to Alabama. This was much different as we stayed in once place, enjoying the space that we had. It was as though we had an entire campground to ourselves and it was a much needed time away. I'm so thankful to my in laws for the use of their motor home as well as our friends who allowed us to hang out on their property for a week. What a blessing that was and many great memories were made. 

This Week (A Raw and Real Post)

Lately one of Sarah's activities includes taking apart her toys. I mean she's taking the hair off her Playmobil people and disassembling every. single. item. And this week, it brought me to the brink of frustration. Frustrated that she doesn't play with toys for their actual play value, rather getting enjoyment out of taking them apart with no interest or desire to reassemble them. Why? I have no idea.

It was on the weekend where I cried to Doug after we had gone to our room for the night as the grief loomed over me once again. I was so disheartened that she can't or won't use the toys appropriately. It makes my heart ache as I watch her play in such a toddler-like fashion. I was angry that things have been bought for her and she isn't able to use them for their purpose. I ask myself many times over as to what would be a better play thing for her? What would she enjoy playing with? And nothing comes to mind. I simply draw a blank. She likes playdoh but can only do that for a certain amount of time. She loves playing in water but I can't have her sit in the tub all day either. When I see kids her age and younger exceeding her academically and developmentally I am saddened by it once again. It means that homeschooling her requires my imagination, creativity and time so I can create a unique to her curriculum that will help her learn about her world.

I have learned (and am still learning) that I can feel this way. It is okay for me to be hurt and to cry over this stuff. I occasionally feel helpless and that transforms into guilt. But I am doing the best that I can for Sarah. I am a good parent and the best one for her. I also have to remember to separate Sarah from her diagnosis's. Cerebral palsy, microcephaly and developmental delays are what Sarah has, not who she is. These have become part of our "normal" and are simply a part of our lives now. We are learning to adapt to her and her needs, like needing to go to a different park because there are too many kids already or because construction crews are running their loud machines close by. I am grateful for the flexibility of a friend who made it so simple to pack up and find a new place to play.

After I let it out, Doug reminded me of the wonderful things that Sarah does. By simply taking her camping last week, I gave her the "best day ever" every morning. It takes a drive to a park with sand to delight her and make her day complete. And when the day comes to an end and her teeny little arms wrap tightly around my neck I am reminded once again of the amazing gift that she is.

As Doug said to me earlier today, perhaps those joys are made all the sweeter because they come in spite of, and likely because of who God made her to be.

Sixteen Years

Every year around this time, I consider to myself "I don't think I'll blog about my mom this year." You see, there's nothing new I can ever write about and I wonder if anyone really wants to hear the same thing again. So I write for myself. If no one ever were to read this, that would be okay because this is one way that I am able to keep her memory alive in my heart. The memories are still there, thanks to photo albums, cook books and a gold heart shaped locket that once was hers. But, the pictures of her are frozen in time, never changing or aging as we have been doing. 

Like I wrote last year (and now, the remainder of this post is from last year), I wish I could, just for one day go back in time and retain more of what she was like. I would write about her life, her childhood, her stories. I would record her voice so I could hear say words of encouragement and tell me she loves me. I would take more pictures of the two of us and more with my siblings together. When someone passes away, there are no more photographs. You only have those that you've taken and can hang on to those precious memories. My mom was always behind the lens of the camera so there are actually very few photos of her. One fall day, we booked a photographer and had our family pictures done. My dad had requested an individual picture of my mom and the photographer managed to capture every ounce of beauty that my mom possessed.

She was beautiful inside and out. She took great care in how she looked and was always well made up. Even till the very end. She loved her family passionately and took great care of us. Family was very important to her and we all knew it. She always enjoyed a good cup of tea and was willing to drink it with just about anyone who would sit with her.

When I write about my mom, I feel like I write the same things over and over. I want people to know how much I love her and how much she is missed. Even after sixteen years, the ache is still deep in my heart as I remember the woman who was such a critical part of who I am today. I often wonder what would she think of me and how I'm doing things? I can only hope and imagine that she'd be delightfully proud of me, Doug and our kids. 

As I finished writing this post, Sarah looked over at this picture and said "Dat's you Mum!" When someone says something like that, I take it as one of the highest compliments. 

Letting Go

I think the very first time I can recall of letting one of my kids "go" was as a newborn and having someone else hold them as I tend to be a bit of a hoarder when it comes to my babies. Other moments that I can recall letting go are:

• when their tiny hands slip out of mine and they take their first steps
• when they toddle into a Sunday School classroom and are "okay"
• when they master a two wheeler bike and venture out on their own
• asking them to get the mail for me
• allowing them to go to friend's house without me
• permitting the first sleep-over and believing they'll do fine
• watching them walk into a school for the first time, even if it is high school

The most recent phase of "letting go" occurred yesterday when Joshua received his driver's licence. He is now legally allowed to drive a vehicle without someone else with him. As I sit here writing this I'm trying not to obsess of his whereabouts with my friend finder app. My prayers have suddenly changed and I have a much deeper desire of asking God to protect him and watch over him. Trusting that he is in God's hands and learning to let go has been my biggest lesson over the past 24 hours. 

Last night was the first time that Joshua went out on his own, in his own car. I gave him a curfew time and trusted him to abide by it. I know he went to a friend's house but after that he just went cruising. I didn't know where he was and I just kept placing him in Jesus' hands. Yes, he came home on time and in one piece and then I was able to sleep soundly. We've entered a new era of parenting with two new drivers in the house and I'm finding I spend much time on my knees is prayer. Asking God to fill Doug and I with wisdom and praying for His protection over our kids. 

SEVEN!

Seven years ago today, the tiniest baby I have ever held was placed in my arms. At six pounds, one ounce and only 17 inches tall, you were by far our smallest baby. On that night, I had no idea of what the next few years would bring. It took us till you were almost three years old to realize maybe something was a little unique about you. Through a myriad of testing and appointments, the final diagnoses were: severe microcephaly (small, underdeveloped brain), cerebral palsy, sensory processing disorder and severe global developmental delays. These last few years have been such an educational experience for our family and I am beginning to be less upset when I think of what you've gone through. We have watched you learn so many new and wonderful words and each new phrase brings us so much happiness. We have learned to take great delight in even the smallest achievements- perhaps things that would have gone unnoticed with the other kids. You are pretty easy going and simple things please and delight you.
Some of your favorites at 7 years old are:

• bubbles
• helium balloons
• your siblings
• Kraft dinner
• Kayla
• iced tea
• playmobil
• Grandma
• playgrounds
• going to church and the people there
• Lucy, Rosie & Ben
• the many stuffies you have
• hug-uppies
• Curious George
• goldfish crackers
• cheerios
• play doh
• anything outside
• my coffee

 You were so amazingly cute, I could hardly handle it!

 Three years!

 FOUR!

 Five!

 Six years!

My most favorite, treasured picture ever!

Today we are enjoying Sarah's seventh birthday! Actually, we started celebrating last Thursday when we had a family party but it's been a fun weekend for her. She loved being sung to at church and each gift was received with a huge "Thank you!"

 The biggest helium balloon I could find!

So excited and thankful for the cupcakes. Which she didn't eat.  

So unbelievably happy to be opening presents. Playdoh, a slinky, Fruit Loops, books and Smarties.

Her joy makes my day!

On Sunday, our little church sang to her and she clapped with delight at the end. We also make a short stop at Grandma's house since Grandma was recovering from her small heart attack earlier this month. On Monday her two cousins came for some birthday treats and a visit and then in the afternoon, her friend also came over for a little while. She was able to see all her favorite people in a short amount of time. It was so much fun to celebrate her! 

Oh little daughter of ours, how we love you! Hearing you say "best birf-day ever Mum" made my heart so happy. 

Happy seventh birthday Sarah!