Processing...

The plethora of information that we received this morning.  I so desperately wanted Sarah to preform {well} for Wendy this morning.  I will admit to being agitated, stressed and worried about it.  I couldn't sit still.  I tried to be relaxed and open to everything but it just didn't play out that way.  There are quite a few issues where Sarah's development is concerned.  In most areas, she is at the age of a 24-25 month old.  In one area (visual recognition) she's at the level of an 18 month old and only in her social skills is she at the correct age.  So in all areas of development, she is significantly delayed. 

Oh. My.  What a lot to process.

The case worker was really nice and is there to work with us.  We can have as much or as little help from her as we'd like.  There are more tests now that we've been recommended we do.  Sarah needs her hearing checked out (because of her balance), her vision looked at because she scored so low on her visual skills test, her gait and walk/stance isn't quite right so we have to get an appointment with her doctor as well.  Not really how I wanted to begin my summer. 

My readers appreciate my honesty?  Here goes. 

This sucks for me.  It took everything in me not to walk out of the living room, hid out in my bedroom and cry while Wendy finished up.  I had moments where I wanted to tell her to stop.  If it was stressing me out, wouldn't it be stressing Sarah as well?  I think I had actually prepared myself for speech delays but nothing would or could have prepared me for the shock of how far behind she is in so many other areas.  Would I ever have been ready to hear it?  Maybe a small part of me already knew and I was in denial.  Resisting the truth.  I don't want her labeled as "delayed", "behind" or "needing intervention". 

So where did I go wrong?  What did I not do with her, that I did with the older kids when they were little?  Have I unknowingly prevented her from her full potential?  Did I want her to be my {baby} that badly?  I can't imagine that I would have intentionally held her back from developing.  For some skills to be at a corrected age of 18 months is nearly 1.5 years behind!  How can that simply be "where she's at"?  Heartbreaking for me. 

I know I am my daughter's advocate.  I know that I need to do whatever I feel is needed and necessary for her.  I also know that the initial shock of this news will lessen as time goes.  If you were to ask me today though, "are you okay?"  I would honestly say no.  I'm not in denial but I am grieving in a way.  This shocking news and realization hurts something awful. 

I'll give myself some time to process it all and work through my emotions.  I'll survive this hurdle in life as well. 

"Don't let your hearts be troubled. 

Trust in God, and trust also in me." 

John 14:1 (NLT)