Two lines into the first song and I broke down. I thought I'd be good. I thought "it's been 11.5 years, I will be fine". But when the song that was being sung would have been one that my own mom would have liked, there was nothing that held me back. Once I started, I had a hard time stopping. My own grief is still so fresh, new and painful.
When I picked the girls up, my friend who was watching them said it's like lifting the lid again. All the emotions come pouring out after being held in. Held in due to busyness of life, raising little ones, homeschooling the big ones, keeping the home running, being a wife and mother. Then in those quiet moments in the church, where the craziness is left at home, the hurt bubbles and rises to the surface, coming out in a torrent of tears. I then thought how selfish I must be. At someone elses' mom's funeral and here I am caught up in my own sadness and hurt. How unfair that is to them. I am so very sorry. I am thankful for the arms that hugged me this afternoon. Those who knew my mom and loved her too. I felt like a little girl who just wanted to be in her dad's lap one more time. To have his strong arms around me, telling me that it would be ok. I am thankful for the dad-like arms who did hold me.
I miss my mom so incredibly much and would love nothing more than to hear her voice, see her face and be reminded of how much she loved me.