Untitled...

I didn't know what to call this post and so "Untitled" it is for now.

Dear Sarah,

Saturday was a tough day for me. The day before, you began to complain about your mouth hurting and I know that it's because you need some dental work done. Because of your sensory issues, seeing a general dentist for some fillings won't be possible. There's no way you'd sit still enough to get the x-rays done, never mind holding the films in your mouth. This means we are needing to look into intravenous sedation. We need to look for a dentist who does exactly that, plus someone who is good with kids, and possibly even special needs kids. This stresses me out emotionally, physically and even financially. I'm hoping we will receive benefits through FSCD since I'm pretty sure it will be defined as a medically necessary procedure. 

Today, I tried to read a book. By myself. Even though you were in the same room as Arianna, you managed to find (or produce) a marker and you colored all over your arms, legs and pants. Andrea simply set you in my room and I knew my 5 minutes of "me time" were over and so I began to run you a bath. You love being in the big tub. The water is warm and you enjoy the feeling of being bare skinned. Washing your hair is quick since you do NOT like your head being wet. 

Sorry honey, it has to be done. 

I'm sorry I was upset today. I love you more than anything in the world. I wish I would not be frustrated. I wish that I didn't get unhappy with you. I'm sorry. Thank you for being the most forgiving person I know. I'm sorry that my patience wears thin. I try so hard to be a good mom for you and I want to do a good job. I want the best toys for you, I want the best helps for you, I want you to be happy because that's all you really ask for. Everything that you desire is simply for your contentedness. You are not selfish or whiny. You are not rude or demanding. Kids take away your toys, right out of your hands and you let them. You do not fight or argue. You are easy going, sweet and wonderful. Your requests are so good. Food, water or to be held. That's it. 

Sometimes when you are sleeping, I will lift you into my arms and hold you tight. I apologize for my bad day and beg you to forgive me. I also promise that each new day I will do my best to ensure it goes better than the one before. I  pray that I will wake up happy and cheerful, ready to face the joys and challenges that you bring my way. I am learning so much about you sweet baby of mine. I never thought I'd know so much about learning disorders, cerebral palsy, microcephaly or brain damage. 

Thank you for everything Sarah. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for letting me be your "best ever mom". Thank you for asking for hugs all day long because I need them too. Thank you for making me feel needed. Thank you for teaching me so much. I'm not perfect but I do care enough to keep on going, even when it gets tough.
I love you.